Monday, November 15, 2010

Hey Keith Olbermann, Please Don't Touch My Junk

“Don’t Touch My Junk.”  Get ready to hear that a lot over the next week, and not because your wife is in another inexplicably crappy mood.  (Well, not ONLY because of that)  The guy in San Diego who refused the let the joke of a government boondoggle called the TSA sexually assault him has coined a phrase, which will go into the annals of history with other pop culture phrases, like “Where’s The Beef?” and “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” and of course “What The Hell Are The ‘Annals’ Of History?  Is It Just A Nice Way Of Saying ‘The Buttholes’ Of History?”  OK, maybe I made that last one up, but it proves my point: You have no idea what “annals” means, do you?  Neither do I.  I’m also not sure where “Coined a phrase” began.  Personally I suspect the Chinese.  Anyway ... what was I talking about?  Oh right, Brett Favre’s penis.  I think maybe the aging INT-bot has the answer: if we all just text pictures of our junk to the TSA, then they wouldn’t have to search us at the airport.  I’m going to go do it now.  You know, for safety.
See more of me including TV appearances at, or at (Yes, .org - We are a nonprofit, texting junk shots for Mother Earth)
... sometimes you want to joke, where everybody knows your name ...
A Florida car dealership is offering a free AK-47 assault rifle with the purchase of a used truck.  What they don’t tell you is how the AK is used while negotiating your purchase.  OR  Customers are then free to use the AK-47’s on “Them weirdo fruits buying a riceburnin’ Prius.”
A new vending machine uses facial recognition technology to recommend drinks to its potential buyers.  The manufacturers have no explanation why women with large breasts are consistently offered “Five Tequila shots and directions to my place.”
In an interview, German writer Charlotte Roche offered to sleep with President Christian Wulff if he votes against extending the lifetime of Germany's nuclear reactors.  Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad reportedly emailed the story to CBS News with the subject line “For Katie Couric...hint hint.” OR ...emailed it to President Obama with the subject line “Forward to Michelle...hint hint.”  OR Wulff reportedly responded “Shave your pits and we’ll talk.”  OR She later received an exclusive invitation to the “First Annual Favre/Woods Writers Conference At The Airport Ramada.”  OR Democratic Party lobbyists in the U.S. collectively smacked their foreheads and said “Why didn’t WE think of that?”  OR BREAKING: Bill Clinton names himself U.S. Ambassador to Germany.
The trial for a female Southern California teacher accused of having sex with a male student begins this week with opening statements from each attorney.  After that there will be two days of the kid high-fiving with his friends.  Then the first witness.
Bad news: More and more people denied Social Security claims are making threats towards the judges who rule on their cases.  Good news: The judges only have to be careful until 4PM, when the threateners go to early bird dinner and then nod off.
The ethics panel has begun deliberations in the Charlie Rangel case.  Count me among those who think we don’t need a whole panel to decide this - the guy has no ethics.
Bad news: Authorities in St. Kitts say masked gunmen have held up a tour bus, robbing sixteen cruise ship passengers.  Good news: All sixteen passengers were unhurt, and made it back to the ship in time for the first of three dinners and the juggler.
Scientists are proposing one-way trips to Mars.  Reporters at the news conference replied “Uuh OK, you first.”
General Motors says that their public IPO later this week will mean they are no longer under the control of the U.S. Government.  Yeah, then GM will be under the control of the Chinese Government.
NASA announced that they have found a 4th crack in the fuel tank for Shuttle Discovery.  An hour later, two of the astronauts announced they “Just remembered they have a.....thing to go to....yeah...a we can’t go on the mission.  Sorry guys, but this thing is pretty important.  Yeah... a really important thing.”
Critics are saying that Christina Aguilera receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is “cheapening the entertainment industry.”  Yeah, THAT’S what’s making it cheap.  Until now it was a bastion of talent and decency.
NBC has announced they will make Thursday night a three hour block of comedy shows.  Don’t worry though, every other night will remain a nine hour block of Dateline and Law & Order spinoffs.
Keith Olbermann’s suspension and resulting publicity has given his show a bump in the ratings.  This week both his Mom AND his Dad watched.  Well, they DVR’d it to watch after O’Reilly and Conan, but still...good on ya, Keith!
Malaysian officials have announced that children as young as six will be given sex education in primary schools beginning next year.  90% of Catholic Priests support the decision.
Scientists have discovered a new large species of squid in the Indian Ocean.  The squid works for Dell and calls itself by the fake name “Kevin.”
After rebuffing President Obama last week, the foreign ministers of China, India and Russia pledged cooperation with each other in trade, energy and geopolitical affairs. Take note, America: You Will Be Assimilated.
For the next seven days the famous Leonid meteor shower will be reaching its peak.  So high school guys will have a solid “Let’s go make out” excuse this week.  Next week, back to “Hey, let’s go see the new construction out in the woods.”
Facebook has announced a new all-in-one messaging service.  So now there is no excuse not to send to pictures of your cat doing cute stuff.
“Call me Ishmael.  Yeah, now call me Dirty, Dirty Ishmael and twist my nipples.”
“Say Goodnight, Gracie.” “No, YOU say it, you prick!”
“Who’s on first?” “You mean Hu?  That little Asian fella?”

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