Friday, November 5, 2010

Wrong Number, Nancy Pelosi, and KHAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!

Recently I called a wrong number, got the voicemail, and hung up when I realized I had misdialed.  Thirty seconds later the guy calls back all nasty and yelling “So you just hang up?  No message or anything?  You just waste my time?  What the f&#ck?”  So I called him back every day for a month and left messages saying “Oh sorry, wrong number; I was trying to call someone who isn’t a complete dickwad.”  Seriously?  You want me to leave a message?  For a wrong number?  Since you could waste your valuable time calling a total stranger and yelling curse words at them, how busy can you really be, mister important-pants?  I know how and where I’m important, and where I’m not, and I act appropriately without pants in each situation.  Like Michael Jackson said, look at the man or anorexic white woman in the mirror.
See more of me at, or by pointing a telescope at my bedroom window.
...joking indoors is still legal in LA...
The United Nations has named Norway as the best place to live.  Of course, the UN also named Lybia to the Security Council not long ago, so I guess it’s all relative.
A Qantas flight safely made an emergency landing today in Singapore due to problems with one of its engines.  Ah yes, yet another happy ending in Singapore.
A potentially dangerous hydrogen gas leak during fueling Friday caused yet another delay for space shuttle Discovery's final voyage.  OK, at what point does the Lemon Law come into effect?
Japan was looking into a coastguard video showing a Chinese fishing boat colliding with Japanese patrol vessels that was released on the internet.  Japanese officials are doubting the authenticity of the video, since it also appears to show Charlie Chaplin and a woman talking on a cellphone on deck.
A pipeline for transporting illegal drugs across the border from Mexico to California was discovered recently.  Why it took so long to “discover” the I5 Freeway is anybody’s guess.
A Cuban passenger plane crashed in a central province on Thursday after issuing an emergency call.  Statistically though, you’re still less likely to die in a plane crash than on a raft made of inner tubes.
North Korea won't be allowed to send any gymnasts to the 2012 London Olympics as part of a two-year international suspension for age falsification.  North Korea has announced a press conference for three months from now, where they will produce documents proving it’s already been two years and they’re ready to get back into competitions.
The founder of WikiLeaks says he may apply for asylum in Switzerland.  Failing that, he may apply for a VIP card at The Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club.
Nancy Pelosi said she will try to stay on as leader of the House Democrats.  First order of business?  Force the majority to pass more of those huge spending bills the public loves.  OR To improve her image, she’s hired Randy Moss to stand next to her at all public appearances.
Attempting to draw on a 1.4 billion person market, Disney has agreed to build a Disneyland amusement park in Shanghai, China.  In the official press release, Disney stated the “The current wait time for Space Mountain is 77.3 hours.”
President Obama says that the US can’t afford to spend the next two years mired in gridlock.  This is the first time on record Obama has said the US can’t afford to spend anything.  OR Of course we can’t afford it; we’re spending $200 million per day for Obama & his posse to go to India.
Insiders say there is a “colorful contest” going on inside the GOP for leadership roles in the newly elected majority.  The colors are mostly really white with a dash of Boehner orange.
The Washington Wizards announced that Gilbert Arenas will make his season debut tonight.  Team officials say Arenas is gunning for an explosive first game, a real shootout.
MSBNC has suspended Keith Olbermann for donating to three Democratic candidates.  Network officials said he was not, repeat NOT suspended for getting absolutely freaking destroyed in the ratings every single night.
House Democratic Campaign Chairman Chris Van Hollen is leaving his post.  Sixty-three of his colleagues failed to show up at his going away party.
Bad news: President Obama’s security dog for his India trip is named “Khan” and apparently some Muslims are offended.  Good news: The President has hired William Shatner to smooth things over.

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