Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Beiberstink, Funyons, and the McRib

I hope your candidate won today.  Unless you don’t believe the same things I do, and I mean EXACTLY the same things.  If you don’t, then you are obviously a shallow minded elitist redneck communist bigot extremist.  There is not other possible explanation.  It’s not even remotely possible that you digested the same information that I did and simply came to a different conclusion.  Nope, not possible.  You are a moron, and deserve the hate I am spewing towards you.  You deserve all of the derision and condescension I that is flowing down my nose at you, and saying so makes me more informed and politically savvy than you.  Just ask all of the people around me who are exactly like me, yet again proving my open-mindedness.  These are the people I cling to in my desperate attempt to feel like I belong to something, anything, while vehemently denying that I care about belonging.  These are my belief brethren, who are all different just like me.  We do it together to be different, and that makes us better than you.  You stinking moron.  
The preceding was a paid political message from the Pseudo-Intellectual Self Hating Outward Projecting Political Dufus Brigade.  (Go ahead, tell me you haven’t heard that exact attitude repeatedly over the past two weeks.)
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
Justin Beiber says he won’t wear the nail polish that bears his name.  The stiletto heels and push-up bra are another story.
Kanye West will be among the performers in the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  No word yet on whether he plans to rip the microphone away from the Charlie Brown float.
Supporters of California’s marijuana legalizing Prop 19 say that win or lose, they have sparked a debate.  They also say they could really go for a Denny’s Lumberjack Slam right about now.  Lastly, they say everyone should remember to go out and vote next week on election day.
Both sides of the Prop 19 battle have deployed law enforcement officials to polling stations.  The anti-19 officials are licensed to carry firearms and handcuffs.  The pro-19 group is armed with Funyons and Hackeysacks.
A ten-year-old has given birth in Southern Spain.  Are we sure Roman Polanski is still in Switzerland?
NASA engineers are at work on a project to send a humanoid robot to the moon.  Al Gore has written a new speech to give upon his arrival.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has banned welfare cards from being used at psychics.  A psychic spokesman said they saw this coming.
Dancing With The Stars celebrates its 200th episode this week.  More people will watch it than will watch election coverage.  The lying, thieving scumbags in Washington DC are no one’s fault but our own.  OR Every member of The Literacy Council died a little inside.
Keith Olbermann has suspended the “Worst Persons In The World” segment from his show on MSNBC.  A poll taken today of likely voters showed the most common response was “Who’s Keith Olbermann?”  OR  Olbermann’s dozen loyal viewers were devastated.
Terrorists attempted to mail a package of explosives to French President Nicholas Sarkozy yesterday.  In retaliation today, Sarkozy sent the terrorists thirty Domino’s Pizzas with pickles and anchovies.
Sunday, the Redskins benched Donovan McNabb saying he wasn’t in good enough shape to run the two-minute offense.  Today, they worked out Jamarcus Russell.  Reportedly tomorrow they’re working out Charles Barkley and John Goodman.
Exit polling has revealed that 52% of voters disapprove of the job the current Congress is doing, 16% approve, and remaining 32% were actually looking for a McRib.
Britain and France will launch a broad defense partnership that includes setting up a joint force, and sharing equipment and nuclear missile research center.  However, French President Nicholas Sarkozy said that France will not reveal cooking secrets to the British.
The attorney for Brooke Mueller said she had no idea Charlie Sheen would file for divorce on Monday.  “The coke fueled hooker rampage, who didn’t see that coming?  But this divorce thing just came out of left field.”
It has been announced that Susan Boyle will perform in a private concert for Prince Charles.  A Buckingham Palace spokesman said they plan to put a red mark on Boyle’s forehead with lipstick so they can tell the two apart.
According to Time magazine, Harry Reid’s election hinges on whether he can get more voters to the polls than his opponent.  Uuuh...doesn’t EVERY election hinge on getting more voters to the polls than your opponent?  Thanks for the brilliant insight, Time.  Time is now exactly like Playboy - people buy it for the image, not for the articles.

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