Friday, November 12, 2010

British Space Geeks and IAMSPARTACUS

The U.S. Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year. That’s dollars, not Pesos or Beanie Babies or Jonas Brothers; $8.5 BILLION.  How much longer are we going to carry this relic of the Old West?  Seriously, when was the last time you received anything of value via the post office, outside of those oblong things that come in plain brown wrappers?  My mailbox is stuffed daily with credit card offers and appeals from my alma mater for money.  Both of which, incidentally, could save millions of dollars by not mailing out these stupid things.  Hey University Of Dayton, don’t get me wrong I love you, but I haven’t given you money since I graduated ... what makes you think this is the year? (It’s not) Back to The Post Office, though; we’ve been divesting ourselves of old technology over the past decade, like VHS, dirty magazines, and Nancy Pelosi, and I think it’s time to take Old Posty out back and ... send him to meet Old Yeller, if you get my drift.  We no longer have phonographs, ride horses, or use cameras that require you to duck under a big black hood (although those were pretty cool if you think about it), so why are we holding onto a method of communication that no one uses anymore?  Email, Twitter, Facebook, tiny hidden cameras in her bedroom, THESE are the tools of 2010.  If the government sold The Post Office to U.P.S. or Fedex, think of the money they’d save. 
Nah.  Makes too much sense.
See more of me including my commercial reel & promo videos at, or by mailing me nude pics of Rachael Ray.  Look up my address on the internet.
... joke joke joke, another one rides the jokes.  joke joke joke, another rides the jokes. and another comes on and another comes on, another ones rides the jokes...hey!  he’s gonna sit by you! another one rides the jokes ...
Cartoonist Jim Davis apologized for a Garfield strip some veterans may have found offensive.  However, Davis continues to refuse to to apologize for offending the activist group “We Love Mondays.”
In response to the UK’s “Twitter-Joke” trial, the AP counted 5,000 tweets carrying the "IAmSpartacus" tag.  Which ranks it as the 5,000,009th most popular tag, tied with “CookingWithWolfDung” and way behind #1 “Boobs.”  Seriously? 5,000 tweets?  My left nut could get 5,000 tweets.
US researchers unveiled the secret of how cats lap water or milk with such elegance, a phenomenon that happens so fast it cannot be followed by human eyes.  Thus far, 88.6 million wives have forwarded the study to their husbands.  OR  Nah, government spending isn’t out of control.  This is a GOOD use of funds.  Definitely need higher taxes.  Definitely.
Three British space buffs attached a paper airplane and a camera to a helium balloon that soared twenty three miles above ground, and captured amazing images.  They rushed home to share the exciting news with their girlfriends before remembering none of them had ever had one.
The first Dennys Fast-Food Cafe opens today in Orange County, CA.  Emergency Room staff at Irvine Medical Center are bracing for a tsunami of “Moons Over My hammy” related incidents.
Wow, three days on a cruise ship with cold food and smelly bathrooms, what a human tragedy.  I’m sure the people in Haiti are very impressed.
Bad news: A new study says having a major acne problem may raise the risk of suicide.  Good news: It also severely lowers the chances of contracting an STD.
The Associated Press, NFL representatives, the NFL Players Association and the four equipment companies that make every helmet worn in the league agree there is no such thing as a helmet that eliminates concussions.  They also agree that the Bengals suck.
The Miami Heat’s offense looks strikingly similar to the Cleveland Cavaliers of last year.  Perhaps it wasn’t the teammates, LeBitch?
Minnesota Twins slugger Justin Morneau says he’s disappointed the club hasn't moved the outfield fences at Target Field to make it easier to homer.  Twins officials responded by faxing Morneau directions to the weight room.
The Catholic Bishops Conference released a statement saying that more exorcists are needed.  They also said the best exorcists are usually ten year old boys.  Blondes, mostly.  Good secret keepers with Spider Man jammies.  More of those, please.
With the election looming, Canada's two main political parties were deadlocked in the latest poll.  The “Nice And Friendly People” party garnered 50.2%, while the “People So Sickeningly Nice You Just Want To Punch Them In The Face” party had 49.8%.
Kanye West cancelled his upcoming appearance on “The Today Show.”  In response, plans to SuperGlue Matt Lauer’s microphone to his hand have been scrapped.
HEADLINE: “Elton John sucked into EU corruption probe.”  With the sentence already containing “Elton,” “sucked,” and “probe,” I see no need for a further joke.
The EPA has issued a federal document subpoena to Halliburton.  An unnamed Halliburton executive offered to hand over the information, then invited the EPA on a hunting trip.
A construction crew in the south-central Chinese city of Changsha has completed a  fifteen story hotel in just six days.  The project was part of a new work initiative by the Chinese Government, called “Finish This Project In Less Than A Week Or We’ll Kill You.”
The operator of Wendy's and Arby's restaurants lost money in its third quarter, blaming it on higher cost for ingredients.  Others say it’s because their food tastes like reheated duck farts.  Seriously, cut the menu down to nothing but Frosty’s and Jamocha Shakes, then they can make money.
An EU Official said that Pakistan will see six more months of flood water.  He said this after seeing his shadow.
Amazon announced it will hire 15,000 workers for the holiday season.  Reportedly, 9,500 are under the age of ten and will be assigned to Amazon’s new “Secret Basement” division.
Bad news: The U.S. Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year.  Good news: Post Office shooting rampages were down nearly 7%.
Two intruders wearing Halloween masks climbed through a bedroom window of a Michigan home and attacked a man and his wife with knives.  That’s what you get for handing out black licorice and apples on Halloween, bitches.
A book fair in Miami has announced that attending authors will have a wide ranging discussion about Haiti.  Well, good.  That should take care of it.  You know the old saying “Nothing is over until authors discuss it.”

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