Saturday, November 6, 2010

Marmaduke, Moonraker & Matt Lauer: All Alliteration Aside

It’s early for me to be publishing, I know, but there’s a reason.  Being home on a weekend for the first time since Southern Reconstruction, we’re doing family stuff today.  Namely, we’re taking our first trip to The Rose Bowl in Pasadena, to see the UCLA-Oregon State game.  I was a little leery about it at first, since the stadium has a strict policy about wearing pants (they’re for it...fascists), but I relented eventually.  My daughter has never been to a big-time college football game so we thought she might enjoy it.  When we couldn’t get tickets to a big-time game we decided on UCLA-Oregon State.  Anyway, I woke up early and pored over the news to try and find the daily giggles.  When that didn’t work, I actually read the news; I now hold poring in the same low regard as hopping (see post of 10/28)  I’ve discovered two things: 1) Starting your day at 6AM is way worse than ending your day at 6AM.  (Days that end at 6AM usually involve debauchery of some sort, or at least a late night TV marathon of Cheers; days that start at 6AM usually involve work of some kind, and that sleepsmell that’s vaguely compost-like) 2) There are a lot of people mad about the Olbermann suspension...even though he clearly broke the rules and was disciplined appropriately.  Look, I don’t care about Olbermann and whether you like him or not, but the guy broke the rule.  Is it a stupid rule?  I think so, but again that’s not the point.  Those claiming MSNBC did something wrong and calling them names are likely the same people who blame the cops when they get a speeding ticket.  Grow up, dingbats.  Besides, he’ll be back on the air by midweek and all of this publicity will probably double his audience...bringing the total to 188.
See more of me at, or by poring over the bushes outside my shower. jokes no one can hear you scream...
Bad news: The “Sweaty Back Bandit” has struck again in Los Angeles, robbing his third bank.  Good news: Area women say that he’s not nearly as terrifying as the “Sweaty Nut Bandit” who hits on them at the gym.  
Analysts are saying that newly elected Tea Partiers “must be willing to be unpopular” to push through their agenda.  Accordingly, they are studying exactly what Democrats did the past two years.
A new study reveals that Wyoming and West Virginia lead the country in the use of chewing tobacco.  They also lead in “single women so desperate they’ll date guys who chew.”
Two jockeys got into a fistfight at The Breeders Cup.  It got so out of hand, officials had to call in that guy “Jaws” from “Moonraker” to pick them up with his thumb & forefinger to end it.  OR  In a related story, two Hobbits got into a fistfight over a precious ring.
President Obama says he sees a “win-win” relationship for the U.S. with India.  He’s hoping the double win overseas makes up for the one huge domestic loss this week.  OR  Keep in mind, he also said he saw large electoral wins for the Democrats.  Trust but verify, folks.
A reporter for a major Russian newspaper was left in a coma Saturday after two men smashed his head, legs and fingers.  I told him that repeatedly quoting Marmaduke wasn’t funny, but he wouldn’t listen.  Guess it finally caught up with him.
The city of Basra, Iraq hosted the first foreign circus in years, and the Iraqi audience roared with laughter as the clowns, one fat and one thin, pretended to walk along a tightrope stretched on the ground.  OK, so they may be getting the hang of democracy but they need a TON of work on their senses of humor.  Clowns suck.
Former President George W Bush will talk with Matt Lauer, Oprah, Jay Leno and others to promote his memoirs.  Hollywood editors hope to cobble clips together from all of the interviews into one complete, grammatically correct sentence.
Francesco Molinari stayed ahead of Lee Westwood at the HSBC Classic in Shanghai China today.  However, Tiger Woods holds and insurmountable lead in number of Happy Endings.
Husbands across America are preparing for another big weekend of college and professional football.  Wives across America are preparing for another big weekend with their boyfriends.
President Obama heads off on his trip to Asia and says he “hopes to deliver on jobs.”  Hasn’t he delivered enough jobs to Asia?
Bad news: A new study says that obesity rates in the U.S. will soon reach 42%.  Good news: A separate study says that the rate of “chubby chasers” is already at 58%.  God has a plan, folks.
A new study says that good conversation can boost brain power.  That’s all I have to say about that.
George W Bush says the photograph of him viewing damage of Hurricane Katrina from Air Force One was a huge mistake.  Everything else in the Katrina response was peachy, but that, if he could have that one back.  OR The mistake was compounded by posting it to his Facebook with the caption “Headed to the club; this shit is a downer!”
Las Vegas hosted a Walk For Foster Children today.  The winner gets two for free.
2001: Democrat “activists” blamed the recession on George W Bush, even though he’d been in office for three months.  2008-10: Republican “activists” blamed the recession on Barack Obama, even though he’d been in office less than two years.  2010: Democrat “activists” make sneering internet posts, blaming the Republicans for the recession after being elected for three days and not even being in office yet, and yelling at everyone else for being uninformed.  Both sides  of “activists” feel 100% correct and unapologetic, despite the fact that the rest of us see them for what they are: a bunch of easily manipulated, lemming-like, pathetic tools.  (Just needed to get that off of my chest, I guess.)

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