Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mixed Metaphors And Stale Fortune Cookies

It’s time for Stephen’s Mailbag:
“Dear Stephen,
I’m so tired I could eat a horse.  A bird in the hand gets the worm.  An apple a day, join ‘em.  We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, waaaay back!
Sir Mix-A-Metaphor”
(Tipping my cap to the illustrious Mr Bill Simmons) Yup, these are my readers.

See more of me including my commercial reel and promo video at  Or just ask.  I'll show you.
... joke the way Glen Miller played, jokes that made the hit parade ...
A new study claims that letting your mind wander can put you in a bad mood.  Did I leave the iron on?  Still pissed about the LOST finale.  Dude, get out of my way or I’ll kick you in the neck.
A London family had on old Chinese vase in their house for decades, and it recently sold for over $83 million.  I have some fortune cookies and chopsticks from our local Chinese restaurant that are at least that old.  Let’s start the bidding at $5 million.  Do I hear $5 million?
Saudi Arabia has blocked Facebook because it doesn't conform with the kingdom's conservative values.  If that’s the case, MySpace should prepare to be taken out and shot.
Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay claims that his Mother In Law told his wife to leave him.  This marks the first time ever that a Mother In law hasn’t liked her daughters choice of a husband.  Ever.  Never happened before.  Are these celebrities really THAT detached from reality?
President Obama said the United States is "here to stay" as a force in Asia.  He then ripped off his shirt, called China “A frilly little girl,” and challenged Japan to a steel cage death match.
GM has reportedly received $60 billion in orders for it’s upcoming IPO.  Keeping with GM’s traditional business model, they’ve already budgeted $90 billion in spending.
In his new book, Former President George W Bush says the only thing he misses about The White House is “the pampering.”  Hearing this, Bill Clinton said “You did that too?”
Denver Broncos linebacker DJ Williams was arrested for DUI, and in response the team has taken away his Team Captain status and said he won’t start this coming Sunday.  Man, when the other NFL players see that staggering consequence, they’re SURE to clean up their acts!
Justin Beiber’s new song “Pray” debuted online.  Why not?  Online is where all of the pedophiles hang out.
The FBI says they have a recording of a married pair of Maryland county officials, with the husband telling the wife to stuff almost $80,000 in cash in her underwear.  Damn, how frickin’ big were those Granny-Panties?
Qantas airlines is keeping its flagship superjumbos on the ground more than a week after a frightening midair engine disintegration.  Dustin Hoffman is reportedly beside himself.

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