Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes For 8/31

As always, the joke archive, video clips,  my upcoming schedule, and everything else can be seen on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.  Must view naked.  I don't make the rules.

Since fainting during a concert in New Zealand earlier this year, Lady Gaga has become a stickler for maintaining a healthy routine, claiming to eat nothing but salsa with grain chips, tofu, turkey slices, hummus and coconut water.  According to her choreographer,  Gaga has also cut down to 4 eight-balls per day, or as it’s called on the street “The Lindsay Lohan Thursday.”
A doctor in Bakersfield, CA climbed into the chimney of her boyfriend's home, got stuck and died.  Authorities say that alcohol may have contributed to the situation.  That or a raging Santa Claus fetish.
Zurich, Switzerland has erected small car-port like enclosures that prostitutes and clients can use to conduct their business out of sight of nearby residents.  They are being called “legal sex drive thru’s.”  In an unrelated story, Hugh Grants will be working the Zurich Funny Bone for six months beginning in October.
With more and more places legalizing gay marriage, a new push by the government in Mexico City, Mexico to woo gay honeymooners began this past week.  Among the enticements for same sex couples: Romantic bungalows built all tongue-in-groove, no studs, with two back doors.
American Airlines CEO Gerard Arpey said  the New York JFK-London Heathrow route seems a likely one for AA's 787 Dreamliner aircraft, once they begin taking delivery from Boeing in late 2010.  Arpey then announced that beginning tomorrow,  a “$20 per person early route announcement fee” would be implemented on all American flights.
A top tourism official in violence-racked Mexico said in a recent video that business is booming in its popular vacation destinations to the south.  Later in the video, the official stated that he was being treated fairly, getting three square meals a day, and that “they” let him go outside every so often.
The Macedonian village of Sarchievo has set a new Guiness World Record for the biggest amount of beans boiled in a pot at 3.15 tons, beating the previous record of 1.35 tons set by a group of students in South Dakota. Later that night the village set another record for most married couples performing simultaneous Dutch Ovens.  In a related story, 100% of the neighboring and downwind village of Shelbyievo suddenly needed to be out of town for a couple of days.
Archaeologists find new clues why the Maya left the Yucatan Peninsula suddenly all those years ago.  It turns out it was nothing sinister, they just had a timeshare in Vegas and didn’t realize their week was upon them until the last minute.
Actor John Cusack tweeted the following Sunday night: I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS.”  Cusack went on to say that anyone who disagrees with him is probably a closed-minded, violent idiot, and that he would use Google to find them, come to their homes, and beat them with hot irons until they become more peaceful and tolerant.  Like him.
The new cast of Dancing With The Stars was announced.  Among the list of contestants are who cares, who cares 2, and seriously who gives a flying fuck?
I humped the Sheriff, then I tried to hump the Deputy.
Workin’ 9 to 5, with only an hour for lunch and a couple of 15 minute breaks and at least two hours a day spent Facebooking and texting and playing solitaire, what a way to make a living...
Romeo, Romeo!  I’m drunk enough to try anal!

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