Thursday, September 2, 2010

Monologue Jokes 9/2-3

OK, so I missed yesterday.  Sue me.  Internet on the ship was awful, now it's better.  To make it up to you, today's jokes have 50% more booger and fart.

Hurricane Earl is currently threatening the Carolina coast.  In my opinion the Carolina coast was asking for it; just look at the way it’s dressed.
In other Hurricane news, Earl is apparently worrying families planning to travel over Labor Day weekend.  Well, it’s worrying everyone in the family except for the two kids who sit all the way in the rear of the station wagon facing backwards.  They’ll worry about the storm on the way home from the weekend, when they can actually see it.  (Yes, I’m dating myself with this one)
A woman  who was mad at her boyfriend attempted to climb down his chimney, got stuck, and died.  I’m not sure why she was mad, her getting stuck in the chimney proved he was right - apparently she was getting a little chunky.
A bill in the California legislature seeking to ban plastic bags failed to pass a final vote today.  Personally I think it was a timing issue - did they really expect to ban plastic baggies and expand medical marijuana in the same year?  Those are definitely two lobbying groups that work together.
A new study suggests that soymilk and other soy products may help older women sleep better.  The study also suggests that less nagging and putting out more will also help.  At least, that’s my theory.  I haven’t seen the study.
A group is claiming that some anti-bullying measures in schools are promoting homosexuality. If telling kids not to bully can make them gay, just imagine what telling them to play the flute in Orchestra can do.
A small town in Oregon is under fire for spending tax dollars for a public celebration of Mexican Independence Day, while refusing to fund or hold any public celebrations on American Independence Day.  When asked about the discrepancy, a councilwoman replied “Que?”
College football season begins this weekend, the time of year when students, alumni, and fans of various universities come together and realize that the BCS is the only thing less likely to provide a satisfactory outcome than the Middle East Peace talks.  For both topics I have the same suggestion: Let them settle it on the field.
Fidel Castro admitted that there has been “injustice” for homosexuals in Cuba under his rule.  As for the hundreds of thousands of others he has killed, imprisoned, and deprived  of any type of freedom, Castro says nope, they all had it coming.
Martha Stewart said recently that she “wants to be a great interviewer.”  Well Martha, I want to be a shortstop in the major leagues.  We all have unrealistic dreams at some point, then we stick to what we do best - I’ll keep telling fart jokes, you keep annoying people with tips about paper towels and chicken skin.
A famed Tasmanian Devil was put to sleep recently after it was found to have a tumor.  Many expressed outrage at the euthanization, with Bugs Bunny issuing a statement that read “UNGA BUNGA BINGA BANGA BINGA BANGA BUNGAAAAAA!!!!!”
“Lost” creator JJ Abrams is attempting to produce a new television drama set in Alcatraz, the ex-prison in the San Francisco Bay.  Reportedly, the show is about a group of people trapped on an island where nothing makes sense, people are randomly killed, and the ending is dissatisfactory.  So, you know, nothing like “Lost.”
NFL Quarterback and part-time rapist Ben Roethlesberger is asking for a three game reduction is his upcoming suspension.  I think that’s wise, I mean how are the random drunken stupid groupie chicks in each town going to know him unless he’s on the field?  I mean, if he’s not an NFL star and has forcible sex with a woman as just a regular person, he might get in trouble or something.  OR  Attorneys for Roethlesberger said that he needed the reduction “So he could maintain his level of income in his chosen profession, which is of course nailing random chicks whether they want it or not.”
“Grays Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo recently said that she has 6 toes on each foot.  So what?  Now, if she had a third boob or something, that would be news.  OR The sad part about this is that somewhere out there is a guy who has a fetish for that.  He’s frantically searching the internet for pictures as we speak, so he can publish them on his website “”
A new study finds people who are genetically predisposed to obesity may benefit from physical activity.  That’s right folks, we’ve spent millions of tax dollars on a study that tells us exercising is better for you than sitting on the couch with a faceful of BBQ chips.  Other interesting tidbits in this study include: working hard is a better way to earn money than playing video games in your underwear,  it’s brighter in the daytime than it is at night, and having sex is more fun than eating lima beans and getting punched.
U.S. auto sales dropped sharply in August.  Lawmakers in DC said they were at a loss to explain the drop, despite the obvious reason of the expiration of the Cash For Clunkers incentive program. HEY WASHINGTON!  WHEN STUFF COSTS MORE, YOU BUY LESS!  Is it any wonder this country is in inescapable debt?
Good news: That toddler who was smoking in an internet video recently has reportedly quit.  Bad news: the toddler has apparently become irritable with other kids at daycare, and has put on about twelve pounds.


Wake Up And Spackle!

Butch It Up The Harvey Firestein Way

Boobs Are Cool, Let’s See Yours

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