Sunday, September 19, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/19

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Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday that "the future belongs to Iran," and challenged the United States to accept that his country has a major role in the world.  He’s right you know, this is a global village, and every village needs an idiot.
Experts say that the “celebrity factor” has helped boost the increase in gluten-free foods.  They also say that the “celebrity factor” has helped boost the increase in tasteless, crass public acts of stupidity and selfishness.  
Now that it has been exposed, some are calling Joaquin Phoenix’s fake documentary one of the greatest hoaxes of all time.  The film is being put in the upper echelons of fake-outs, along with Sports Illustrated’s “Sidd Finch” April Fools cover story, John Kerry & Bob Dole’s Presidential nominations, and Steve Guttenberg’s acting career.
A recent study says that citizens in Cincinnati, Ohio prefer red cars while those in Boston, Massachusetts prefer green cars.  Surprisingly, citizens of San Francisco, California overwhelmingly prefer hairy men in assless leather chaps.
General Mills is being silent on reports that it is eyeing Yoplait.  Sources indicate that General Mills is waiting to make any statements until  the return of a note it passed to Yoplait in Social Studies, which read “Do you like me? Check Yes or No.”
Aircraft manufacturer Airbus has stated that in the future they would like to build planes with an invisible fuselage, giving passengers the feeling of flying unassisted through the sky.  “It would be an entirely new experience,” said and Airbus representative, “Plus then we’d be able to see chicks in the bathrooms.”  OR  However, Airbus has no current plans for seats that can accommodate a normal sized human butt.
New Jersey Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell joked recently that she hasn’t used any witchcraft since high school.  Many of O’Donnell’s high school boyfriends now understand why they were head over heels for such an average looking girl who wouldn’t put out.  Some are considering a class-action lawsuit for the cost of multiple dinners at Applebees, bottles of Boone’s Farm Apple Wine too numerous to count, and the return of their Green Day CD’s.
Kate Gosslin said recently that she needs a bodyguard in Mexico due to her celebrity status.  Uuuh, no Kate, you need a bodyguard in Mexico because... it’s freaking Mexico.  EVERYONE needs a bodyguard in Mexico.
A service called Taping For The Blind, which reads newspapers and popular magazines for those without sight, recently also began reading Playboy.  Volunteers said the most difficult parts were trying to be sexy without being vulgar, and always having a towel on hand for “the yucky after part.”  
Bill Clinton said in a recent interview that President Obama seems to be getting his groove back.  Clinton went on to say “Take it from me though, if he gets grooving for more than four hours, he should consult a doctor.”
A new study at the University of Washington says that the world’s women are far more educated than they were just forty years ago.  They’re very know....for girls.  OR The study went on to say that if we could just figure out how to lower the craziness quotient by the same amount, theeeen we’d be in business!  OR Hugh Hefner issued a statement supporting the findings, and went on to say women could get even smarter if they all just got bigger boobs and spent more time topless.
The BP well that exploded in the Gulf has finally been completely sealed, after five months of work.  To celebrate the achievement, BP announced they are raising gas prices ten cents per gallon across the board.
Boeing want to fly you into space - having reached a preliminary agreement to sell seats on commercial crew spacecraft to individuals and companies.  While flying at low-earth orbits may sound great, initial reports indicate all flights would still have to connect through Dallas, and would require a return ticket to avoid extra fees.
Star magazine reports that Octomom “is going on welfare and it's going to be very soon.  There's just no choice. She's running out of money and those kids need to eat."  Wow, who would have thought that being a publicity seeking, promiscuous skank would have consequences like this?
If you can’t beat ‘em, use more duct tape
Lions and Germans and peat moss, oh my!
To all the girls I’ve loved might want to call your doctor...

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