Hilo to Honolulu, Honolulu to Dallas, Dallas to St Louis, St Louis back to Dallas, Dallas to Orlando, Orlando to Miami, Miami to Nassau. Nonstop. That’s why no jokes for two days. I’ll make it up to you with personal gifts. By “make it up to you” I mean “pulling my own finger, cutting the cheese, and giggling about it,” and by “personal gifts” I mean “MP3’s of the cheese-cutting.” Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or through a high-powered telephoto lens from the adjacent apartment building. Ya sick, twisted freaks.
Good news: Mocked for years on "Saturday Night Live" as a clueless blind man, Governor Patterson of New York appeared on the show's season premiere and got in some shots of his own. Bad news: Patterson actually thought he was on The Daily Show.
Organizers of the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi, India scrambled to finish facilities and reassure athletes Sunday amid warnings that the games might not be ready for opening ceremony. Unfortunately, their frantic calls for help were routed to the help center in New Delhi, India where they were put on hold for over fourteen hours.
Newark NJ schools received a $100 million gift from the founder of Facebook this week. Unconfirmed reports from friends say Mark Zuckerberg made the donation after waking from a dream he had, in which he was told he’d missed a test in high school and didn’t really graduate. He then panicked and made the donation hoping school administrators would cover it up.
A new train taking rich Russians from Moscow to the town of Nice in the French Riviera has had a successful launch, with over 10,000 tickets sold. Oddly, only 387 return tickets have been sold.
Statistics indicate that emergency room visits for ice hockey-related injuries among U.S. children aged 9 to 14 increased 163% in the past five years. Watch out Canada, we’re 163% better at hockey now!
Australian climate change activists closed down operations at the world's largest coal port after entering its three terminals and attaching themselves to loaders. This is a dangerous move for their personal safety, as studies show that activists burn cleaner than coal.
Iran's official news agency says a complex computer worm has affected the personal computers of staff at the country's first nuclear power plant weeks before the facility is to go online. Israeli officials have denied any knowledge of the claim, saying “What, my brother David owns a computer store, so you want I should know about some worm somewhere? Oy, you’re all Meshuge!”
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill today to aid in the search for missing children. Lawmakers say the final hurdle to the bill was overcome when they agreed to Schwarzenegger’s demands to add a clause requiring police to yell “Get to the chopper! Noooowwwww!!” whenever a child is found.
Good news: September is Bourbon Heritage Month, and the National Bourbon Council released a list of five ways to celebrate. Bad news: Four of the ways end with a shirtless appearance on “Cops.”
Alexander Martin, an extreme paddler who launched a cross-country canoe trip in Portland, Ore., has completed the journey 4,300 miles later in Portland, Maine. A spokesman for the American Canoe Association says it's unclear if Martin's feat represented a record because there are no comprehensive records for cross-country paddles. Instead of keeping track of such thing, most people apparently waste their time having jobs and getting laid.
Brewery Caulier in southern Belgium has produced a beer fermented under a full moon that it plans to release on Halloween. Reports indicated the beer is stronger, with a longer lasting aftertaste, and just a hint of Werewolf. Beer experts say it goes best when served in a sterling silver chalice with garlic and wolfsbane.
*THREE BAD...STRIPPER STAGE NAMES*