Friday, September 10, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/10

So I missed a couple of days.  Sue me.  Or better yet, go to and send me a bunch of money.

A new book claims that Paris Hilton hid drugs inside her body.  Uh, yeah...most of it in her bloodstream.  OR The book also claims that she hid half of the 2006 Denver Broncos inside her body.  Both claims are inherently believable.
Fidel Castro said recently he believes that Communism isn’t working in Cuba.  Others in Cuban leadership say they’re not so sure, and maybe they should give it another fifty years and five million deaths, just to be sure. OR Michael Moore was furious about the statement, saying that obviously Castro doesn’t know as much about the Eden of Cuba as he does.  Moore began to make another statement, but stopped to eat an entire large pizza in one bite instead.
A Berlin pub has set up an advice desk to help the long-term unemployed get back on their feet.  The first piece of advice given is “Stop spending so much time in pubs, you moron.”  OR One recent attendee doubted the advice “Quickest route to a new job is through the Hot Wing Happy Hour Yaeger Bomb Contest!”
Danica McKellar, who played Winnie Cooper on “The Wonder Years,” gave birth to a boy recently.  Both mother and child are said to be healthy, although McKellar expressed annoyance about the constant Daniel Stern voiceover regarding her ladyparts.  “There I was, finally seeing Winnie’s hoo-hah after all these years!”
Playboy model Tiffany Livingston was detained recently after panicking aboard a plane and attempting to open the door mid-flight.  Luckily for the rest of the passengers, Livingston’s usual method of having doors open for her by showing her breasts didn’t work.
The second quarter revenues for the Smith & Wesson company were disappointing, according to analysts.  A Smith & Wesson rep commented “Crap, I might as well just go shoot myself.” OR A Smith & Wesson rep commented “With the economy down, there simply aren’t enough people out there with enough net worth to kill.”
A newlywed man in Indianapolis used pepper spray on his wife’s face after a disagreement.  Indy police are baffled by the crime, as a man usually doesn’t want to pepper spray his wife until after at least five years of marriage.
Six in ten Americans age 18-25 couldn’t identify a photo of Colonel Sanders, the KFC logo icon.  Of course, eight in ten Americans age 18-25 can’t identify the United States on a map, so I guess it’s all relative.
New Hampshire has released its first foliage report of the 2010 season.  The report said in part: “Hey!  Look at all that cool-assed foliage!  Or is it foilage?  Foliage or foilage?  You’d think we’d know this... Hey lookit them colors on the trees!!!”
The cause of a mystery eye ailment that struck about fifty visitors to The Royal Adelaide Agricultural Show in Sydney, Australia has been traced -- to cow urine.  So how close were these people looking at the cows?  OR The cows in question will not be in trouble for the incident; their owner says that with aim and range like that, the cows should get their own reality show within weeks.
A woman who lost the tip of her pinky finger in an accident grew it back, after going to a physician who is an expert in regenerative tissue therapy.  The following day, the physician reported a tenfold increase in business, mostly from men saying they wanted to regrow the last nine inches of their penis they had lost in an accident.
A man in Germany who was arrested recently for taking repeated naked walks explained that he did so to “reduce stress levels.”  Why the man wore a Lady Gaga wig, purple eye shadow, and 6 inch pink stiletto heels during the walks remains a mystery.
Good news: Traffic deaths are at a sixty year low.  Bad news: It’s because no one can afford to buy gas and drive.
My Name Is Luka
It Aint’ Easy Being Green
Theme song from “The Facts Of Life”

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