Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/21

As possibly the most respected member of the White House Press, I'd like to say something:  There are occasions where public nudity is acceptable.  Go ahead, argue with that.

More of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you install a hidden camera in my bedroom.
Former President Jimmy Carter said in a recent interview that he thought his one term was “very successful.”  Carter went on to compare his term to other successful events, such as “New Coke,” Waterworld, and the Los Angeles Clippers.
Researchers and historians are debating whether Moses actually parted the Nile River instead of The Red Sea.  In other pointless debates that will change nothing, ESPN is debating who will start at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns this Sunday.
A new report says that children without food in the Pakistan floods face death.  You know, as opposed to the children without food in the rest of the world, who face certain Unicorns and skittles falling from the sky.  Who funds these freaking studies?
Cher has announced that she will be ending her Las Vegas show in February 2011.  The two most astounding things about the announcement are that Cher is still alive, and apparently she’s been performing in Las Vegas.
The repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” measure for the military has been blocked by the Senate.  Apparently some in Congress are afraid that those in uniform can’t tell the difference between which is their rifle and which is their gun, which is for fighting and which is for fun.
A new study says that obesity costs the average woman nearly $5,000 per year.  That number nearly doubles if you add in the cost of “Why don’t I have a boyfriend” ice cream.
Italian authorities seized $30 million from a Vatican bank account Tuesday and said they have begun investigating top Vatican officials in connection with a money-laundering probe.  In response to the allegations, the Vatican announced an extra Bingo night per week, and that beginning this Sunday the collection plate will be passed around three times per mass.
Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty at a speech to the U.N.  He went on to blame food for hunger, clothing for nudity, and in a stunning spark of clarity, he blamed Ben Affleck for the horror of Gigli.
Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell reportedly used more than $20,000 in campaign funds for  personal expenses.  Among the personal expenses listed were rent, travel vouchers, and a monthlong supply of “Eye Of Newt.”
Senate Majority Leader and soon-to-be highly paid member of the lecture circuit Harry Reid said recently that Kirsten Gillibrand, the Democratic senator from New York, is the “hottest member” of the Senate.  Gillibrand responded by saying that while that was sweet, she only likes Reid as a friend, and was sorry if she led him to believe otherwise.  OR Regardless of your political leanings, this is another reason to elect Chirstine O’Donnell in Delaware; we can do better than Gillibrand!  This is America, for crying out loud!  OR Reid later retracted the statement, and senate aides explained that “It was 3 AM and he was seriously beer-goggling.”
Israel has warned that violence will prevail if the current Middle East Peace Talks fail.  In a related story, Hamas released a statement that violence will prevail whether the peace talks fail or not.  
The large gaming convention Gamescom was held this past week in Cologne, Germany.  The event drew nearly a quarter million visitors, including nearly two dozen girls.  The girls had to be evacuated after twenty minutes for their own safety.
Reciting Some Shakespeare
Sending Santa Down The Chimney
Carbo Loading

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