Monday, September 6, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/5-6

Happy Labor Day everyone.  Clock the FOLLOW button to the right of this page --------------->
If you don't it means you're attracted to farm animals.

A new study says that having casual sex doesn’t preclude the couple from having a serious relationship in the future.  The study was funded by a grant from “The National Institute Of Single Dudes.”  OR Researchers said they weren’t sure exactly what did preclude us from having a serious relationship, and wish you’d stop asking.  Seriously, just give them a little space.  Now?  You want to discuss this now?  There’s forty seconds left in this game, and you want to bring this up now?!?
A woman in Ohio has given birth in her pickup truck for the second time.  Both mother and child are healthy, and the father told reporters “How may more kids does she have to drop in this F150 before we get a Ford endorsement or something?”
The latest polls show that only 21% are approving of the job Congress is doing.  From this, we can safely assume that roughly 21% of the population gets direct cash payments from Congress.  
The IAEA has put out a statement that Iran is still enriching uranium to levels beyond those needed for nuclear fuel.  Combined with numerous, repeated statements from Iranian leadership that Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth, this has led to confusion in the U.N. as to Iran’s nuclear intentions.  Yeah, cracking that code is darn near impossible.
Jerry Lewis stated recently that he would “Smack Lindsay Lohan” if he had the chance.  He went on to say he would also “Blindfold her with a feather boa and cover her in butter flavored body oil while wearing my Aquaman pajamas.”  This went on for nearly fifteen minutes before reporters figured out he wasn’t discussing how to improve her behavior. has put out a list of the “Top ten sky objects to see” before the end of summer.  Among the list of items that will soon disappear from the sky are the Aurora Borealis, the final no-extra-fees flight from Delta Airlines, and the Seattle Women’s Naked Skydiving exhibition on Sept 12.
As the possibility of direct talks with Aghani terrorist groups draws closer, many are wondering what exactly President Obama will be apologizing to them about.
Thousands of French citizens took to the streets to protest a recent crackdown by police on Gypsies.  Police stated they would do anything if the people in the street would go home, shower, and put on some damn deodorant.
A new study is attempting to ascertain whether the sauna and steam room are OK for pregnant women.  Asked for her opinion, Chloe Kardashian responded “I hope so, I mean then we can have more hot kids, right?  We need more hot kids and less ugly people, you know?”
The airline industry appears to be recovering somewhat.  Delta Airlines announced that August traffic was up 1.1%, and American Airlines was up 3.1%.  Several hours later, Delta announced a $15 per person “increased traffic fee,” which American quickly matched.
Bristol Palin told Jay Leno in an interview that going on “Dancing With The Stars” was an easy choice.  She explained “Hey, I’ve been knocked up, engaged and un-engaged then re-engaged then un-engaged...I think I’ve milked this no talent thing as far as I can.  It’s Dancing With The Stars, then a sex tape, then a book.  After that I should have enough cash to get by for a few years until I decide to run for public office.”
With opening weekend in the NFL a few days away, the Pittsburgh Steelers have named their team captains for the 2010 season, and QB Ben Roethlesberger is not among them.  In a nod to his importance to the team however, Roethlesberger was named by his teammates as a “Team Ambassador Of Drunk Groupie Bangin’.”
A new study shows that one in five drivers would fail if they had to retake the drivers exam.  Among the most common questions that drivers answered incorrectly were “How slow do you go when rubbernecking an accident on the highway?” “Do I just give the finger or is it OK to fire shots into the other drivers windshield?” and “How drunk is reeeeally too drunk to drive?”
A Japanese court convicted two members of Greenpeace of stealing whale meat.  In their court defense, the two men attempted to claim it was a misunderstanding; they had been taken in by a misleading ad on Craigslist for a “Chubby Chasers Dream Come True.”
Speaking of Craigslist, the website recently shut down its controversial “Adult Services” section.  Experts say this will have little effect on the problem of online prostitution, noting an 80% rise over the weekend in employment ads for “Naked Landscapers.”
Good news: President Obama announced today that the federal government will take action to stimulate the economy.  Bad news: President Obama announced today that the federal government will take action to stimulate the economy.


So then the I.T. guys came out of nowhere and just kicked the snot out of those bikers.
Sir, I’m going to ask you to step out of your vehicle and hit this bong, hard.
Rhinestone studded purple chalice...check.  Norelco shaver with optional neck trimmer...check.  Porkpie hat...check.  OK, I’m as ready for Arbor Day as I’m going to get.

37% of voting population is actually bears
Could have been in professional baseball, decided to stay home and become a state instead, will not apologize to feminists for decision
#1 export is swaggering down a dusty street in tight denim jeans

No comments:

Post a Comment