Thursday, September 23, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/23

So which is funnier: Bill Clinton falling into a 55 gallon drum of boogers, or Bill Clinton falling into a 55 gallon drum of monkey doody?  It's election season people, if you can't make decisions like this how the HELL are you going to vote?

See more of me at or if you install a secret camera in my shower.

The U.S. delegation walked out of the U.N. speech of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Thursday.  A spokesman said it wasn’t that they were offended by Ahmadinejad, but that they’d seen it all before - “If we wanted to listen to some crazy idiot talk about how evil America is, we can call up Dennis Kucinich anytime we want.”
In a recent poll, half of California voters said they want Nancy Pelosi replaced as Speaker Of The House.  The other half went to California public schools, so they had no idea who Nancy Pelosi was, what The Speaker Of The House is, and were more concerned with whether or not Tony Danza and Judith Light ever figured out Who actually was The Boss.
Sesame Street will not air a taped segment of Katy Perry singing a version of her hit song Hot-N-Cold on the show, saying that her gold bustier top wasn’t appropriate for a kids show.  A Sesame Street executive said “While she was singing we saw Big Bird playing with ‘Mr Snuffleuffagus,” so what do you think will happen if we show it to kids?”
Kevin Costner has appealed to Congress for them to adopt his $895 million Gulf oil spill cleanup plan.  Reportedly, Congressional aides sent back a secret note that read “OK, if you promise to never, ever, ever direct another movie again.  Ever.”
Archaeologists say scrawl on the back of a letter recovered from a 17th century dig site reveals a previously unknown language spoken by indigenous peoples in northern Peru.  Well, they say it’s either that or a note scribbled by Lindsay Lohan on coke.
JD Power & Associates says U.S. auto dealers have been seeing stronger new-vehicle sales in September after a tumultuous summer.  Apparently there was nowhere to go but up after summer sales were 0.
Senior Palestinian officials said their side would consider an expected U.S.-brokered compromise on Israeli settlement-building in the West Bank.  The only small change the Palestinian officials said they wanted was to include the clause “and then all the Jews will die” at the end of every sentence.
According to a recent study, women given a placebo pill can feel an improvement in sexual response and performance.  The pill used in the study is called a “Rufinal.”
NBA commissioner David Stern has advised Gilbert Arenas not to talk about the former All-Star's felony gun conviction.  In an attempt to show he’s learned his lesson and grown, Arenas replied “I thank Mr Stern for his direction in this matter and for the second chance he’s allowing me in the NBA.  But if he doesn’t shut his bitch mouth, I’ll put a cap up his ass.  He knows I’m packin’, right?”
Two roads diverged in a wood - and I took the one less traveled, as on that road it would take longer for anyone to find the mangled bodies of the Hungarian dwarf minstrel troupe I offed in a meth haze
Don’t count your chickens before they do algebra
I want to hold your hand and gall bladder

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