Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/29

On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.  If by “Philadelphia” you mean “Las Vegas,” and by “On the whole,” you mean “On the bed with five hot strippers who have repressed gag reflexes.”  You can help make this happen by following this blog and passing it on to your local really important people who could give me a high paying writing gig on a late night talk show.  You know...those guys...
See more of me at or by slipping a rufie into my white wine spritzer.
Tens of thousands of people took to the streets of Europe Wednesday to protest the budget-slashing, pension-cutting plans of some nations, insisting that saving their jobs was vital to their home country’s survival.  The message-defeating fact that they all left work to go to a protest in the middle of a Wednesday didn’t seem to occur to any of them.
Amtrak has announced plans for a multi-billion dollar high speed train service on the east coast of the U.S.  When surveyed, most Americans said “Amtrak is still around?”
An apartment in New York City was overrun by hundreds of venomous spiders.  In response, the landlord changed the rental listing to read “Outdoorsman’s Dream In Manhattan!”
Congress is warning that unless emergency funding is approved this week, the federal government may shut down starting October 1.  Yeah...because that would be know, if the federal government stopped “doing things”...who knows, without their help we might actually get out of a recession or something...
Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita” form the Joey Buttafuoco case in the 1990’s, has signed an eight film deal to do porno movies.  After being shown the first film’s trailer showcasing Fisher’s “skills,” 85% of men said “Oh yeah, I’d have nailed her too.  Did you see that?”
Nancy Pelosi promised four years ago that Democrats would lead "the most honest, most open, most ethical Congress in history,” and stood by that promise in a recent statement.  The statement was leaked off the record, after a closed-door meeting by unknown parties on expanding governmental internet wiretaps, through Congressional censors who blacked out half of the statement for “unstated security reasons.”
Jimmy Carter will stay in an Ohio hospital for a second night, recovering from a bout of air sickness.  Luckily for Carter, he has the Federal Governments’ taxpayer funded health care plan, which is a million times better than anything you could ever hope to get.
Swedish fashion group H and M reported disappointing third-quarter earnings on Wednesday and said it would open fewer stores than planned this year.  Discouraged Swedish citizens will therefore not be able to sport the latest fashions, and will have to settle for regular clothing while being over six feet tall, blonde, and simply genetically more beautiful than anyone else in the world.  Poor bastards.
Bad news: A Los Angeles City Controller said recently that the city’s “red light cameras” aren’t working in many cases.  Good news: The LA City Council breathed a sigh of relief when informed that the city’s “red light district” is working just fine.
Decades after a mechanical pine-tree digger first unearthed it, an extraordinary trove of dinosaur fossils in central Spain is revealing its secrets.  Among the most stunning secrets revealed so far are that despite their size the T-Rex were not good bullfighters, the Triceratops was an excellent dancer, and most of the herbivores were actually on Team Jacob.
Great Lakes researchers say the long-dreaded invasion of Lake Michigan by Asian Carp may turn out to be less ferocious than once expected, because a population of tiny mussels is gobbling up the Carps’ primary food source before they can arrive.  Strangely, this is the same reason no one can ever go to dinner at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.
Britney Spears said that the latest episode of Glee “Brings back so many memories!”  Like the time she first had sex as a teenager...and the next 468 times she had sex as a teenager...and that scary ten minutes waiting to see if the stick turned blue...and that even scarier night waiting for the results of the “broad spectrum STD bloodwork...”
Dear “Sunglasses Inside At Night Guy,”
You are having the exact opposite effect of what you intended.  Not only are you not cool, but we would like to strongly recommend that you douche it down a notch or two...or twenty.
The Public At Large

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