Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/28

So many of you ladies are emailing and asking if I really want you to send nude photos.  Of course not.  They don't have to be completely nude.  Lingerie is fine.  Even just some short shorts.  Heck, a summer dress that reveals a little sideboob is juuust fine.  The main thing is to pass this blog on to all of your friends, especially the ones who are connected to any writing gigs.  (After the boobie pics, of course)

More of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or if you run near me in the annual "5k Nudie Run."

Former President Jimmy Carter is said to be OK after suffering a recent bout of air sickness.  I cannot confirm reports that the sickness was due to a giant rabbit that jumped onto the plane from a lake.
The Grand Ole Opry is set for a star studded reopening this week, with a few changes.  The most controversial is the new policy of “No shirt, no shoes, no nailin’ yer sister.”
Good news: A telescope in Hawaii has discovered an asteroid that will pass within four million miles of Earth.  Bad news: The researcher operating this particular telescope has been outed as gay, since every other telescope in Hawaii is trained on teeny tiny beach bikinis, or hotel room windows trying to catch drunken tourists doin’ it.
A new study say that severely obese people who undergo weight-loss surgery may have a higher-than-average risk of suicide in the years following the procedure.  According to the study, the main reason for the depression stems from losing all of the weight and finding out they don’t really have a great personality or a pretty face after all.
Studies suggest that U.S. middle-school students in team sports appear to be both physically and mentally better off than those who aren't.  The main reason for the better self-esteem comes from the sense of camaraderie the students feel, when they and their teammates work together to beat up the kids in the band and the advanced math classes.
Genetic fragments buried in the cells of songbirds indicate that a family of hepatitis-B-like viruses is at least nineteen million years old, much more ancient than previously thought.  This flies in the face of conventional scientific beliefs, which had blamed the advent of the disease on Courtney Love.
New footage of Neil Armstrong’s historic moon walk has been discovered in Australia.  In the Aussie footage, Armstrong leaves his well-known first footprint, then wrestles a croc and orders a Bloomin’ Onion.
Paleontologists in Spain have found the largest fossilized thigh bone of a dinosaur ever discovered in Europe over the weekend.  No word yet on whether it is indeed connected to the shinbone.  OR The scientists have named the huge new creature the “Kirstie-saur.”
The world's first beer to be certified for consumption in space will soon undergo tests in weightlessness to see if it is brewed with the right stuff.  If the beer is approved, NASA expects to announce a Friday night mission to “the dark side of the moon.”  OR If approved, astronauts are expected to giggle and say that every new mission will “see Uranus!”
Jeffery Jones, the actor who played the principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" will serve three years of probation after pleading guilty to failing to update his sex offender registry info.  The judge settled on the probation after first asking Jones “So how would you feel about another whole yeeeear of high school?”
A new study says that teenagers think sports drinks like Gatorade are healthier than soda.  This is not surprising, since teenagers also believe that Justin Beiber is a “musician,” Dane Cook is “freaking hilarious,” and that “things will be so much easier when I get out on my own.”
Greek researchers say that children who derive all their nutrition from breast-milk during their first six months of life are less prone to a host of common infections.  They are also far more likely to become “tit men” rather than “leg men.”
Swearing can actually be good for you mentally and offer a stress release, according to a new study published in the latest issue of the journal “Psychosomatics.”  Reportedly, Alec Baldwin emailed the article to Kim Basinger along with a note that read “Get off your f*#king ass and read this f*#king article, you dumb f*#king bitch.” OR Opponents of the research scoffed at the idea, saying “The guys who did that study are a couple of assholes who should just go f*#k off.”  OR If that’s true, then Mel Gibson must be the most relaxed guy on the planet.
Health officials reported Tuesday that the Swine flu no longer represents a major threat to the U.S. population.  In other statements of the obvious, they also reported that we’re no longer threatened by The Spanish Armada or renegade bands of Mongol Hordes.
Fox has reportedly cancelled the show “Lone Star.”  Wow, who could have imagined that a show about a philandering con man thief and his scumbag criminal father wouldn’t have resonated with everyday Americans?
Baddest In The Breakroom
Hey, Let's Talk This Out
Whooooo Wants Muffins?!?!

No comments:

Post a Comment