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A top economic panel released a report saying that the recession officially ended in June 2009. The report also said that these are not the droids you’re looking for, we don’t need to see their identification, and the economists can go about their business. They then moved along.
An online survey found that 68% of men said they would not eat genetically modified Salmon. However, a similar survey found that 69% of men had no problem stuffing hundreds of dollars into the g-string of a genetically modified woman. OR The survey also found that 10% of college women would eat the fish, but they had to be really drunk first and you have to promise to turn off the camera.
A U.S.-born Panda Bear has given birth to her eight cub in China. Zookeepers are now calling her “Octopanda.” Reality TV and book deal can’t be far behind.
Venezuela recently deported two suspected drug traffickers to the United States. As is the usual U.S. custom, they were each given jobs immediately; one on the LA City Council, the other at AIG.
Scientists have unveiled a solar powered spyplane that can fly nonstop for five straight years. Uh...can someone call up there and see if that’s where they put my luggage? OR Well, they say it’s a nonstop flight, but really you have to connect in Denver.
A man accused of killing his wife is using a new legal defense in his trial. The man claims that “caffeine insanity” caused him to commit the crime. In a related story, the line of married guys in the Starbucks drive-through by my house is now over a mile long.
Reports say that the Utah wildfire is beginning to shrink in size. Well of course, after the hottest part there’s always a little shrinkage...especially if you throw cold water on it.
Three hundred Chinese workers have been punished for participating in Karaoke. Officials explained that it wasn’t against company policy or anything, but because every single one of the women sang “Crazy” by Patsy Cline.
A woman has been arrested and officially charged for dumping her cat in the garbage. “It’s a heinous act,and a terrible waste” said a police spokesperson, “Do you know how many Chinese restaurants could use that cat?”
Moderate Muslims in Macedonia are urging the government and the international community to crack down on radical Wahhabi groups on the rise in the country. The biggest problem thus far is that when attempting to confront the Wahhabi’s, everyone breaks into full Budwesier commercial “WAHAAAAAAAABIIIII” and giggles for five minutes, thereby allowing the radicals to escape.
Reports indicate that relations between Japan and China are beginning to sour. Hopefully they can become sweet again soon, so then we can add the pork. Holy cow is that one bad.
Militants staged several raids on radio stations in Somalia over the weekend. Oddly, the only items stolen were all of the Katy Perry CD’s.
A warrant has been issued for Lindsay Lohan’s arrest. When asked for comment, the judge said “I just flew back form Hawaii and for some reason the movie was ‘Freaky Friday’ again. I can’t take it anymore and I want her locked up. Wait...did I read somewhere she broke her parole, too?”
This weekend is when the largest percentage of High Schools and colleges hold their annual Homecoming ceremonies. In a completely unrelated story, financial analysts reported a sharp increase in sales of condoms and Boones Farm Apple Wine.
*FAILED FIRST DRAFTS*
Willy Wonka and the Laotian Wallet Factory
The thrill of victory, Haiku rocks!
Mario Puzo’s “The Third Cousin Twice Removed On My Mothers Side Who Kills People For A Living And Might be In The Mafia.”