Monday, September 27, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/27

So I've been thinking lately about how to get more publicity and notoriety for my joke blog.  My current strategy of writing quality material and threatening to force readers to see photos of my genitals unless they promote me seems to be falling short of its goals (though for the life of me I can't understand why).  So I've come up with a new strategy:  writing quality material and threatening to force readers to see photos of Andy Rooney's genitals unless they promote me.  It really is your call, but having been through this particular hell, I don't recommend it. CLICK THE FOLLOW BUTTON TO THE RIGHT OF THIS PAGE AND YOU CAN AVOID THIS FATE!

As always, you can see more of me on my website at, or by plying me with 18 Year Old Macallan and some shallow flattery.

According to a new study, women apologize more frequently than men.  One main reason for the discrepancy is that in order to apologize, a man would have to first admit that he was wrong about something.  Another even larger factor seems to be that women are completely batshit crazy.
Good News: President Obama said recently that he wants 10,000 new Math and Science teachers hired, in an attempt to help the education system.  Bad news: Since we’re so bad at math, only 488 applications for teaching positions were printed.
Some executions in the U.S. have been put on hold because of a shortage of one of the drugs used in lethal injections.  Courts are currently reviewing the legalities involved in simply taking the death row prisoners to a party Lindsay Lohans house.
Ten years ago, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved use of the abortion pill by American women.  Just think, if it wasn’t for governmental red tape, the pill could have been approved six years earlier and we could have avoided this Justin Beiber thing altogether.
A new study indicates that patients with the most aggressive form of prostate cancer are good candidates for prostate surgery.  I am not kidding, they actually spent money for  study to see if prostate patients are good candidates to have prostate surgery.  Next month: a $10 million study on whether men or women are better candidates for vasectomies!
A national doctors group released a statement that American youths are still too often exposed to media depicting smoking and drinking in a favorable light, and they want it stopped.  In all fairness the groups motives may be questionable, as it must be pointed out that many of todays doctors were routinely beaten up in high school by the cool kids who smoked and drank.
In the airborne equivalent of Wal-Mart buying K-Mart, Southwest Airlines today acquired AirTran in a $1.4 billion dollar deal.  A Southwest representative said the deal could have been done weeks ago, but they got stuck with a “C Group” boarding card.  OR  Delta Airlines immediately responded by implementing a $25 per passenger “Southwest Just Bought AirTan Fee.”
The spokesman for a White House-appointed panel examining the BP oil spill compared the federal government's underestimate of the spill's size to General George Custer's fatal lowballing the number of Indians at Little Big Horn.  When reminded that the preferred term is “Native Americans,” the spokesman replied “Oh who cares, how many Indians are left out there anyway?  Geez, go cry about litter or open a casino or something, Chief Whines Like A Girl.”
After being arrested for DUI this past week, Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was forced to sit out the 1st quarter of New York’s Sunday nigh game in Miami, missing a total of seventeen plays.  Thank you NFL, for once again teaching the young people of America a tough, strong lesson about the dangers of drunken driving.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez held onto parliament but lost a large percentage of his majority in this weeks elections.  Pundits say the Chavez administration views this as a “strong warning” for their re-election strategy in two years.  Namely, they will go out and offer even “stronger warnings” to opposition voters...if you get our drift...
Russian cosmonauts said Monday they are disappointed that they had to return to the International Space Station after their Soyuz spacecraft failed to undock.  Their biggest disappointments are that the space station only gets basic cable, and they’ve already read all of the Playboys.
A new study says that the Bonobo, one of humans’ closest primate relatives, has a better  chance of getting intimate with a fertile female if it stays in close proximity to its own mother.  High school chess clubs and debate teams are hailing the study as a breakthrough of incredible proportions.  OR Loosely translated, the word “Bonobo” means “I.T. Department.”  OR The study was funded by a grant from Paramount Studios, which in a completely and totally unrelated story announced the release of a new movie version of “Oedipus Rex.”
Senator Cordoba has been kicked out of the Columbian Congress.  Among the reasons given was his participation in the illegal importing of rich, Corinthian leather.  (Wow am I dating myself with that one)
Pakistan has been chosen to head the U.N. atomic agency's governing body, despite its refusal to accept the nonproliferation treaty and its link to the nuclear black marketeer who supplied Iran and North Korea.  In other similarly well thought out moves, the UN appointed France as the head of the committee on marital fidelity, Scotland as the head of the UN council on suntanning, and Transylvania will lead the new UN task force on nocturnal safety.
Landfill Estates
Cramming In The Bandboxes
Hills Of No Background Check...If You Get Our Drift

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