Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/15

Do not under any circumstances click the follow button to the right of this page.  it will increase your ability to have an orgasm by 4,000%.  So back off, man.  As always, more of me can be seen at and in the shower.

The latest round of Middle East Peace Talks fell apart recently amid renewed violence in the region.  In other shocking news, men like naked women.
A man was found dead in a bathroom stall at Los Angeles International Airport Terminal Three this morning.  Terminal Three serves Alaska Airlines, which immediately instituted a $25 per ticket “Dead Guy In The Crapper Fee.”
“Mad Men” actor John Hamm said in a recent interview that being a reality TV star is the same as being a porn star.  I disagree; at least porn stars have enough talent to fake an orgasm.
A new study says that women are more likely than men to believe any new climate change research, usually without verification.  That’s not surprising, since women also believe things like “I’m only driving this Corolla because my Porsche is in the shop,” “Sure I’m a doctor,” and “Honey, none of the guys are taking their wives to the conference in Vegas.”
Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in her studio audience a trip to Australia.  In a competing move, Jerry Springer gave everyone in his audience a free full panel of STD shots.
Time Warner Cable is adding eight new pornographic channels to its lineup beginning this week.  In a related story, Time Warner also began a promotion offering new subscribers a free raincoat and TV “sneeze guard.”
President Obama continues to be popular in Europe, with a 78% approval rating.  This is great news for the upcoming midterm election, since he’ll be able to help candidates in the critical districts of...wait....  OR  In a related story, I remain incredibly popular with women who will never ever ever sleep with me.
Hurricane Karl has hit the beaches of Mexico.  Within the first hour, Karl drank six oversized Margaritas, had its hair braided, and bought a giant novelty sombrero that it will never wear again.
Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan on Wednesday declared his intention to run in elections next January on Facebook.  He then said he had $13.5 million in contributions frozen in a Nigerian bank after he had to flee some violence, and he would give you 25% of that if you send him $500 for his campaign.
Two alleged Illinois drug traffickers were discovered with fifty kilograms of cocaine in their trunk because they parked illegally in the driveway leading up to the Cook County Sheriff's Office.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I had fifty kilos of blow in my car, I’d probably double check the parking signs.
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