Monday, September 13, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/13

If you'd like to see more of me, send nude photos and I'll reciprocate (ladies only) (if guys do it I'll have you wacked...and not in the good way)  Or you could go to and pay me $1 million to perform at your birthday party.

A French fugitive was captured in Spain recently.  The fugitive originally vowed not to be taken alive, but the police began shouting threats in German accents and the man surrendered immediately.
Police in Florida recently reported an incident in which thirty shots were fired without one of them finding their mark.  Man, this LeBron James move to Miami isn’t starting well at all.  0-for-30?
A man in Newport Beach, California was arrested after attacking a Pelican that had tried to steal a fish he had caught.  Man, if every guy who “attacks the Pelican” is going to get arrested, Playboy will go out of business. 
Tiger Woods was eliminated from contention for this years Fedex Cup.  Woods is now free to pursue his reality show called “So You Want To Be A Porn Star.”
A top executive at Bing says that while Google Instant is fast, Bing is smarter.  He went on to say that while fat and bloated, Yahoo has a really great personality once you get to know her.
A new study says that termites can predict the impact of climate change.  It also says that if you call 1-900-WINNERS they have a fruit fly that predicts NFL games.
A Toyota plant in Australia is planning to build greener engines.  Also a few blue ones.
School officials in Pittsburgh are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly.  Parents are furious about the incident.  Students say they can’t wait for the next assembly. 
Cuba has announced they will lay off 500,000 state workers.  In a related story, real estate agents in Miami announced they have 500,000 apartment vacancies, no documents required.
A new report from “restroom spies” says 85% of people are washing their hands more often in public.  The study also says that 90% of women don’t like being spied on in public restrooms.  The other 10% had nooooo problems finding dates. OR  Of those, 5% are turned on by the fact that there are people spying on them in the restroom.  Of those, 95% are members of Congress.  OR The study results were released from prison, which is where most “restroom spies” end up.
Oprah Winfrey kicked off her final season by sending everyone in her audience on an eight day vacation to Australia.  In a related story, Oprah has given Rosie O’Donnell a TV show that will also last about eight days.
Iran has announced they will release a female hiker held for over a year on bail of $500,000.  Later, Spencer Pratt announced he would sell you pictures of her boobs for $50.
The video game “Super Mario Brothers” celebrates its twenty-fifth anniversary this year.  Fans of the game will celebrate by eating “magic’ mushrooms and smacking each other over the head with hammers.
A town in Armenia has produced the world largest ever chocolate bar.  A nearby town has produced the worlds largest ever jar of peanut butter.  Man, I sure hope those two don’t bump into each other.
Geneva, Switzerland has opened the first shelter for newly separated husbands.  Men who have seen their marriages dissolve come to the shelter and find all of the things they need to repair and rejuvenate their lives, including discount appetizers and well drinks,  flat screen TV’s with ESPN, and twenty-two year old girls that are hot, morally casual, and have a suppressed gag reflex.
A new study detailing the trials of living with Touret’s Syndrome was released today, saying that FUCK SHIT COCKSUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Stuff From The Gutter
Dads In Speedos
Poop Alive!

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