Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/14

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A New York man impersonating a police officer was arrested after he pulled over a real officer who was off duty.  The real policeman became suspicious when the fake cop told him he had “the right to give me $50 or get punched in the nuts.”  Everyone knows it takes WAY more than that to bribe a New York cop.
President Obama has written a children’s book.  He did it in his spare time, since he has everything else in the country so firmly under control and running smoothly.  Apparently he found the time to write it in between vacations, just after his daily hour of Origami and right before his Bikram Yoga class.
The Senate in France has passed a measure that bans face-covering and Burqa’s in public.  Still stuck in committee is the measure requiring deodorant and weekly showers.  OR Initially there was brief resistance to the measure, but it quickly surrendered.
The makers of high fructose corn syrup want to change the name of their product to something sweeter:  “Corn Sugar.”  Well then, I’d like to be known not as a Peeping Tom,” but as a “Nude In The Bushes Secret Photographer.”
A new study says that obesity costs the US economy at least 215 billion dollars a year in medical expenses and lost productivity, and Congress may take up a measure to tackle the problem.  The measure is being opposed by “The National Institute Of Average Looking Guys,” who say that if hot chicks don’t have chubby friends they’ll never get laid.
The U.N. released a statement that while worldwide hunger is down, it is still at an “unacceptable” level.  The release of the statement was delayed several hours while waiting for U.N. members to return from a three hour taxpayer funded lunch at Sardi’s.
Researchers are trying to track down more than 100 species of frogs that have gone missing.  Efforts are being concentrated in the place where most people who have gone missing are eventually found: Las Vegas.  OR  In a related story, Cirque De Soliel announced a new Las Vegas show called “Froggy Frog Jumpy Jumper.”
Two men in London earned 250,000 pounds through an “illegal sperm donor agency,” matching sperm donors with women trying to conceive.  The agency was called “Hooters.”  
Researchers say they have developed a new and better method of freezing human sperm for later use in pregnancy attempts.  The new method involves installing a plasma screen with XXX movies in the back of your home freezer.  Oh, and some Astroglide.
Over half of doctors surveyed said they’ve come to work while sick.  One doctor who wished to remain anonymous said “Hey, my coughing in their face isn’t half as dangerous to their health as their HMO.”  
Police in Amsterdam pulled a U.S. pilot from a plane for being too intoxicated.  Man, how hammered do you have to be for Amsterdam to say “Hey man, maybe you’ve had enough?”
Hey hot stuff, pull my finger
So how long can you hold your breath?
I’ll bet you a hummer I know everything there is to know about birdhouses

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