Thursday, September 16, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/16

In today's very special episode of "Stephen And The Poop Jokes," Stephen learns the difference between public and private nudity, and which one is societally acceptable.  See the full, unedited nude version of me at, friend me on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter @stephenthomas15.  Send nude photos and I'll follow back.

People are still up in arms about Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the VMA’s.  Man, this is the longest people have talked about someone’s public display of meat since Pee Wee Herman.
Jerry Bruckheimer has had to dispel many rumors about the new installment of the Pirates Of The Caribbean film franchise, which is currently in production.  Among the worst rumors: Davy Jones’ Locker is not actually a locker at the Milwaukee bus station, neither Chad Ochocinco or Snooki are the newest Black Pearl crew members, and Captain Jack and Captain Barbosa do NOT save 15% on their ship insurance by switching to Geico.
Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said recently we may have missed our chance to ram through a Middle East Peace deal.  Later, Bill was overheard at a Delta Delta Delta sorority rush party, saying he’s never missed a chance to ram anything, anywhere.
Members of President Obama’s White House Staff reportedly owe nearly $1 million in back taxes.  Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was quoted as saying “See, I told you that Turbo Tax was frickin‘ confusing.”  OR The President never, ever, ever should have hired Willie Nelson’s accountants.  OR To help pay the debt, Vice President Biden has proposed nearly $5 million in new government spending.  You know, because we have to spend money to save money.  OR To pay the bill, many House Democrats are proposing tax increases on California businesses.  OR Upon hearing the news, Nancy Pelosi said “Let them eat cake...and bill the taxpayers for it.”
Officials in Taiwan say they need to hire some crossing guards for crabs in their country.  In a related story, officials in Las Vegas need to hire ID checkers for canker sores and bouncers for syphilis.
A new study says that tests for Alzheimer's disease are not 100% accurate.  As far as we can recall.  OR Doctors who misdiagnose the disease are avoiding lawsuits however; they simply say “No, I never told you that, this is the first time we’ve ever run this test,” and the patient can’t argue.
Molly Ringwald is releasing a Jazz album.  Reportedly her jazz quartet is named “Jake Ryan And The Skin Flute Jam.”  OR  Ringwald was quoted as saying “Hey, it was either this or a sex tape, and since Anthony Michael Hall won’t return my calls...”  OR  In a related story, Judd Nelson is releasing a bluegrass album called “Smoke Up Johnnie!” with his band “The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebies.”  
Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez will be officially unveiled as the new American Idol judges next week.  The two will attempt to fill the void left by Simon Cowell, with Tyler handling the obnoxiousness, and Lopez of course handling the big ass part.
Nick Jonas of The Jonas Brothers turned eighteen today.  So the next time he sleeps with any of his fans, the word “statutory” will be involved.  OR Like the rest of adults in America, Nick now thinks both of his brothers are gay...and he’s not too sure about himself.
A series of hurricanes continue to pound the Atlantic.  Yeah baby...that’s just how the Atlantic likes it...the Atlantic is such a tramp.
The latest airline statistics show a significant improvement in on-time arrivals in summer 2010 over the same period a year ago.  In reaction to the news, Delta immediately instituted a $20 per passenger “on time arrival fee.”
In response to Oprah’s latest audience gift event, Joy Behar announced she was taking everyone who watches her show to Burger King.  In other words, Joy Behar went to Burger King.  Alone.  OR ...Joy Behar announced she would take everyone who watches her show to Paris, France.  Luckily for HLN no one watches Behar, so they saved a ton of cash.
A recent study says that one-third of sex education classes do not mention birth control.  Guys, this would explain why two-thirds of the chicks you shag force you to wear a rubber.  OR Of that one-third, 40% mention “The Stork,” and over half refer to the female genitalia as “The Girl’s Little Hoo-Hah.”
With yet another movie flop on her hands, some are wondering if Jennifer Aniston’s career is over.  Certainly not, if nothing else there’s still a Cinemax soft-porn phase she can go through.  You know, where she can reunite with her two female Friends co-stars.  For some soft porn.  Not that I’m rooting for it or anything.
North Korea has recently hinted that they may be willing to make a deal involving their nuclear weapons.  A recent White House leak says the deal is this:  They give up their nuclear program, and we teach them how to properly pronounce the letter “L.”
I don’t care if she does have a boyfriend, I’m just happy she let me buy her five drinks
Wow, that episode of “Medium” had me fooled right up to the end
They moved me to the maximum security prison wing because I just hug too damn much
Man, I looked all OVER that Willie Nelson concert and just could NOT find any weed

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