Saturday, September 18, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/17-18

I would like to apologize for missing yesterday.  I'd like to, but the clowns in my head are telling me not to do it...they want me to run naked through the public areas of the ship....again.  man, I wish they'd come up with anew idea every so often.  Tell your friends about my blog, or the voices might send me to your house.

After fifty-four yeas, "As The World Turns" airs it's last episode today. In a final shocking twist for it's longtime fans, today's episode features two people who can actually act.
A Pekingese dog from Texas set the record for “world’s longest dog tongue”, measuring 4.5 inches.  Shortly afterwards, 250,000 women anonymously offered to adopt the dog.
Stories about Steve Jobs secretly being a Ninja are still wildly popular among internet viewers.  Far less popular are stories about Jackie Chan secretly creating an iPhone app.
A woman in Washington state who claimed to have had acid thrown in her face has admitted that she actually did it to herself.  It’s the first time in recorded history a woman has wanted people to think she took one in the face when she didn’t.
Reggie Bush said in an interview that giving back his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt.”  In a related story, George Michael said his eight week jail sentence was not proof of guilt either.  In yet another related story, upon hearing the previous statements Charles Manson said “Helter Skelter!  Yakity Yak, Don’t Talk Back! Hey Hey We’re The Monkees!  Come On Eileen!  Buggity Buggity Boo!!”
According to a recent study, 38.7% of women have a low libido or low sex drive, and researchers are saying new drugs are the answer.  I tend to believe the answer might be not dating obnoxious men with bad breath and beer guts.
The media is saying that New York voters, who will choose between Carl Paladino and Andrew Cuomo, are “Faced with a difficult choice for Governer, between an unknown wacko and a known criminal.”  Actually it shouldn’t be that difficult for New Yorkers, they have to choose whether to sit next to a wacko or criminal on the subway every day.
Lindsay Lohan failed her most recent drug test.  Critics say this is proof Lohan hasn’t learned a thing.  Supporters say this is proof of her acting ability and total commitment to her character.
A parade was held in Munich, Germany to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Oktoberfest.  Plans are already being made the hold the parade again next year, since odds are high that no one will remember this year’s event.
Greek police charged two U.S. tourists with desecrating the dead on Thursday after they found six human skulls in their hand luggage at Athens international airport.  “I don’t know what the problem is,” said one of the accused, “It’s not like we had something really dangerous in there, like over 3.4 ounces of toothpaste.”  OR Following the arrest, Delta Airlines added charges of their own, as passengers are only permitted to check up to two human skulls for free.
A recent study says violent video games like "Call of Duty" can help trigger-happy players make decisions faster in real life.  Some examples of real life quick decisions were: A stranger comes around the corner?  Shoot them!  Can’t decide what ice cream flavor?  Shoot the clerk!  It’s Thursday?  Shoot your spouse!
 An intoxicated woman recently stripped completely naked and stole a taxicab she was riding in.  Police reports stated that police who apprehended the woman approached the car slowly and deliberately, since she was packing a pair of loaded 38’s.  had they been 44’s, she might have gotten off with a warning...and several cop phone numbers.
According to a recent study, 76% of French people say they have bad sex lives.  The other 24% reportedly took at least bi-weekly showers.
The devastating floods in Pakistan have revived a decades-old debate about whether or not to build a dam to provide power to the country.  In a related story, the beginning of Oktoberfest has revived a decades-old debate about whether light beer tastes great or is less filling.
A woman is suing her former doctor for allegedly branding is name on her uterus.  In the lawsuit, the woman claims she clearly wanted the brand to say “Born To Have Kids.”  OR ...”Hey Kid, Stop Kicking Mommy’s Bladder.”  OR Apparently the woman was upset because he was supposed to put his name on her left butt cheek.  
Analysis says that it took $111 million of “stimulus” money to save 55 jobs.  Sadly, this is the most efficient government program in existence today.  OR That works out to just over $2 million per job...uum, I’m available if they’re still hiring.
A program in Maryland is putting prisoners to work on a horse farm.  In a related story, nine Maryland prisoners escaped on horseback this past weekend.  
“The Fighting Areolas”
“The Granola Munching Hippies”
“A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men”

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