Monday, August 30, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 8/30

Last night was The Emmy Awards.  I for one was glad to see Hollywood take time off from helping the world and focus on itself for a minute.

Lynn Tuner, who killed her husband and boyfriend by poisoning them with anti-freeze and was later dubbed the “Anti-Freeze Killer,” died in a Georgia prison over the weekend.  Medical examiners said that her internal fluids were fine, so her frame must have just given out.
A new research study shows that heavy drinkers tend to live longer than those who never touch alcohol.  The study was funded through private grants from the Anheuser-Busch family, the Guiness Foundation, and the brothers of Delta Tau Chi.  The lead researcher released his findings at 2:43AM, and followed his pronouncement by screaming “Now someone find my pants, I’m driving all of us to Florida!!!  WOOOOOO!!!!”
A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.
American Airlines announced today that they current modifications underway will double the available space in the overhead bins on their 737 aircraft.  They later announced that there is a new $15 “extra overhead space fee” being implemented on all of their 737 aircraft.  
In other news from American Airlines, their frequent flyer lounge The Admirals Club recently held a “Naked Juice Sampling Event” at the Miami location.  Take it from me, you want to call and get clarification on the details before you attend.  Apparently there’s a company out there called “Naked Juice.”  In an unrelated matter, I won’t be able to write any jokes September 12 due to a court date.
Police in Anderson Township, Ohio, arrested a man named Forrest V. Frankenstein Jr. over the weekend for menacing, vandalism, and disorderly conduct while intoxicated.  In his court defense, Frankenstein said “AAAAH!!!!  FIRE BAD!!!!” and ran through the courthouse wall.  Authorities were asking local villagers to gather pitchforks and torches to assist in his recapture.
Researchers have concluded that the Stimulus Package created 3 million jobs.  They’re broken down as 2.4 million Stimulus Researchers, and 600,000 Stimulus Public Relations Experts.
Medicare is attempting to cut long-term costs to the program attributed to older people who smoke, by offering counseling in an attempt to get them to quit.  Seems to me Medicare could save even more on “long term” costs by buying smokers an extra pack or two a day and letting nature take it’s course.
A 31-year-old Bellevue, Washington bride heading home from her bachelorette party was arrested for drunken driving hours before she was to get married.  In an effort to get out of the ticket, she offered to sleep with the arresting officer.  She was later released on her own recognizance, and the cop in question drank a big glass of water and took a nap.
Authorities in Bangor, Maine said today that a car struck the gate outside author Stephen King’s home, but the driver of that car has not been found.  The three top suspects are a local Mad Scientist, a Time Travelling Medieval Warlock, and a giant talking six-legged alligator from the planet Guntha.
A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon sold for $14,740 at an auction in Liverpool, England recently.  Organizers were stunned at the amount of the sale, and later announced plans to auction off Warren Zevon’s shaving kit, Barry White’s toaster, and Liberace’s bidet.
A 70-year-old yard sale shopper in Sonora, CA hit a fellow bargain-hunter over the head with a five-pound, cast iron pan to prevent him from getting to the sale first.  In the man’s defense, the yard sale had not one but two mint-in-the-box Deep Space Nine action figures, plus a red bathroom sign reading “Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean, your aim would help.”  Because those are funny.
People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.
A chemical leak in the pool area of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas sickened as many as 100 people over the weekend.  The other 2,800 who got sick at MGM this weekend did so due to the normal Vegas reasons.
Low Tide In Jersey 
Cream Of Cream
Southwest Style Muskrat

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