Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Viva Centerfield

I’m heading to Vegas next week, loyal readers.  I’ll be attending The World Series Of Comedy, a fantastic comedy event produced by my good friend Joe Lowers (More info at www.theworldseriesofcomedy.com)  I won’t be competing, but it looks as if I’ll be closing the show on the last night, during the Finals of the contest, so if you happen to be in town that weekend please stop on out and support live comedy by maniacally cackling at everything I say and throwing money and casino chips on stage.  In addition to making the ha-ha stew, I’ll also be writing an article on an interesting duality, of which I’ve only recently become aware; there are indeed two Las Vegas’s. There’s “Twenty Five Year Old Vegas,” and “Forty Plus Vegas.”  I’ve lost money in both, but that’s not the point.  One Vegas involves single malt Scotch, high end cigars, and playing golf.  The other Vegas involves cheap beer in three foot containers, multiple visits to the $1 street burrito buggy, talking about playing golf and possibly even making a tee time, but somehow never making it to the course, because crawling out of bed for your 2:30PM start is WAY too early.  Between now and next week, I’ll be comparing and contrasting these two Sin Cities in detail, in preparation for my highly technical, Nobel-esque scientific experiment in Vegas next week.  Yes, it’s science, and the hunger for and gathering of knowledge for the good of mankind is the only reason for the trip.  What? I love science! Science rules!
Starting tomorrow: Twenty Five Year Old Vegas.
For today, I thought I’d do a monologue joke style blog entry, since I haven’t done one of those for awhile.  Following are assorted snippy comments that lodged in my brain while reading the news.  Please send all hate mail to steve@starspangledcomedy.com.  Someone will get back to you in 6-8 weeks.
...joke me in, Coach...
A judge in France has ordered a man to pay his ex-wife $14,000 for failing to sexually satisfy her during their marriage.  Upon hearing this, Lisa Marie Presley immediately filed a claim to be awarded Michael Jackson’s entire estate.
Staff and students at the University of Massachusetts set a new world record for the world’s largest stir-fry, which was over 4000 pounds.  Shortly thereafter, the world record for speed-eating 4,000 pounds of stir-fry was set by another group of UMass students, who had been attending the nearby “Legalize Cannabis Rally.”
Statistics show that China now has one of the highest suicide rates in the world.  Man, we are falling behind them in EVERYTHING.
Green Day lead singer Billy Joe Armstrong was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight last week after he refused to pull up his sagging pants.  OK, how bad are Green Day’s sales lately that he has to fly Southwest?
A leaking gasoline pipeline in Kenya's capital exploded this week.  According to Fox News, none of President Obama’s hometown family or friends was injured in the blast.
According to a new international poll, America was voted the world’s “Coolest Nationality.”  The same poll, which apparently consisted of high school seniors, voted Canada “Nationality Most Likely To Hang Out With The Coolest Nationality,” China “Best Nationality To Cheat Off Of During A Math Test,” and France was simply voted “The Smelly Kid.”
The Native American Cherokee National Council has sent letters to about 2,800 descendants of slaves once owned by its members, revoking their citizenship and reducing their tribal benefits.  To cushion the blow, the Council did offer them all $50 in match play at the craps tables and 2-for-1 buffet tickets.
Using an exoplanet-hunting telescope, scientists have discovered what they call a “Super Earth,” a planet that could support life.  Astronomers say this planet, called “HD 85512 b,” already has many things necessary for human life, including oxygen, water, and over 4,000 Starbucks.
Nearly 70 people in New York City were injured by gunfire over the Labor Day weekend.  Mayor Bloomberg praised the NYPD for their performance, as that’s about 1/3 of the gunfire injuries on a typical New York City weekend.
A new survey shows that 80 percent of people engage in “dirty talk” during sex.  Of the other 20%, 14% engage in “romantic talk” during sex, 4% remain silent, and the remaining 2% make vaguely disturbing erotic remarks involving Ed Asner. 
A man in Montreal was arrested after he broke into Celine Dion’s house, ate a pastry from the refrigerator and poured a bath for himself.  This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how freaking weird Celine Dion fans are.
This year’s Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon, which was the first without Jerry Lewis as host, earned 2 million dollars more than last year’s program.  Asked for comment, Lewis replied “MAVENCLAVENAGOWYYYEEEEE!” 
An 81 year-old woman in England who is a right-to-die advocate has tattooed “Do Not Resuscitate” on her chest.  Imagine the disappointment of the young, horny tattoo artist who was told “Hey, there’s a chick out here that wants you to ink her knockers.”  OR Actually, she wanted the tattoo on her knees, but she’s 81, so....
The Federal Trade Commission said that two mobile phone apps that claim to treat acne do not work.  Investigators are most curious as to how someone dumb enough to believe acne can be treated by an app can even afford a mobile phone.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

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