Saturday, February 19, 2011

Lupus, LeBeta, And Large Dates

It’s been a week since I’ve written a joke blog, and I have no excuse.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my week at home with my family.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying the fact that Spring Training is now open.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my body weight in cookie dough and cake batter every day.  OK ... so maybe I do have an excuse.  Anyway, here’s the new one.  I’m off for some cookie dough and a viewing of The Bad News Bears.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... jokeus, you are a booger eating moron ...
Federal authorities charged more than 100 doctors, nurses and physical therapists with Medicare fraud worth $225 million.  Hearing this, Bernie Madoff scoffed “That’s it? Amateurs.”
Scientists say mastering a second language seems to delay getting Alzheimer's disease. O-say art-stay udying-stay anish-Spay.  Erk-Jay.
Cleveland area official say 200 geese have died for unknown reasons along the shores of Lake Erie while others are struggling to hold their heads up.  Frickin’ LeBron James.
Officials in Baghdad want the U.S. to pay $1 billion for damage done to the city.  Unofficial response from the State Department apparently rhymes with “Schmo Schmuck Schyourself.”
A tuberculosis outbreak among workers at a Tennessee elephant sanctuary in 2009 is being blamed on one of the pachyderms.  Which goes to prove the old saying “When having sex with an elephant, always wear a condom.”
Surgeons have removed a knife from the skull of a man who said it has been there for four years.  Finally out of pain, the man said “That’s the last time I go on a wilderness hike with Dick Cheney.”
Men who start to lose their hair by age twenty are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.  Man, talk about getting it in the ass twice.
The Minnesota House Of Representatives voted to lift the state’s ban on nuclear power.  In other words, look out Canada.  OR  In a nearly unnoticed rider on the bill, they also voted to install a ban on Brett Favre.  OR OK, Jesse Venture, Al Franken, and now this.  I guess one out of three ain’t bad.
The United States government said it was assessing possible responses after Somali pirates hijacked a yacht with four Americans on board.  The first thing they’re attempting to discern is who the four voted for; after that they’ll decide whether it’s in the budget to rescue them.
The husband of Julie Schenecker, who is accused of murdering their two teen-aged children because they talked back to her, said he plans to divorce her.  He said he’s going to try and get “One more weekend of ‘crazy-lady sex,’” but after that he’s gone like the wind.
The Green River Killer has pleaded guilty to his forty-ninth murder.  One more and he gets that free sub at Subway.  As long as he remembers to get that card punched.
Belgian citizens marked 249 days without a government, a figure that they are treating as a world record in political waffling.  Hearing the news, John Kerry vowed to regain his crown “As soon as is humanly possible.  Or maybe not.  I actually waffled longer first, before I stopped.”
Patients with head and neck cancer who continue to smoke while undergoing radiation treatments have a much lower long-term survival rate than those who stop.  In other shocking news, those who aren’t kicked in the face experience lower level of pain than those who get kicked repeatedly.  Who FUNDS this crap?
Scientists say there are fewer big fish in the sea than before.  Single chubby chasers, take note.
More video content is uploaded to YouTube in a sixty day period than the three major U.S. television networks created in sixty years.  However, when you take out videos including cats, it come out about even.
Pitchers and catchers reported this week.  But enough about Justin Bieber fans. (Rimshot)
Three Bad Strip Club Names
-Flaming Lips
-The “Before” Picture
-Week Old Sushi

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