Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Dog Treats And Cold Noses

Sometimes I say things that offend people.  When that happens, I like for those people to come and explain to me exactly what it was that offended them, and offer several alternatives on how to make it better.  Then I like to repeat the thing that offended them directly to their face and add the word “Gutterfucker” in my best Han Solo impression.  That’s just the kind of guy I am.  Ladies...the line forms to the right....
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
... I don’t know....joke casual....
A man is suing a drug company, claiming their product made him “a gay sex addict.” Ryan Seacrest overheard asking “Hey, is this is a class-action suit?”
Brazil has released photographs of an uncontacted Amazonian tribe to show the plight of indigenous people who rights groups say are faced with possible annihilation.  The tribe is suing, since they’re all naked and one of them is nailing a Kardashian.
The National Weather Service says that ice and snow have closed roads from Texas to Rhode Island.  That’s OK, no one wants to go from Texas to Rhode Island anyway.
Two lesbian teens in Minnesota sued their school this week, claiming they were not permitted to attend a dance due to their sexuality.  The school denied the charges, saying the girls would have been more than welcome at the dance if either one of them were even remotely hot.
Hosni Mubarek says he will not run for re-election in Egypt.  So if nothing else, at least he’s smarter than Alan Grayson.
In a shocking story, over 100 sled dogs were shot dead in Canada after the 2010 Winter Olympics, when business didn’t boom as expected.  The business owner sad he got the idea after seeing what happened when the North Korean national soccer team went home.
NASA has announced that the next-generation Mars Rover will cost over $2.5 billion.  Even worse, to get one they have to lock into a 2-year contract with AT&T.
More than 75,000 packages of Hartz dog treats have been recalled due to concerns over Salmonella.  Hopefully the college guys who think it’s funny to cover those in chocolate and pass them off as “Exotic European Sweets” for Valentine’s Day will see this.
The USDA is allowing widespread public use of modified Alfalfa.  However, public Spanky is still widely frowned upon.  OR However, public use of Darla is only legal in Vegas.
A woman was arrested this week for attempting to mail a puppy from Minneapolis to Atlanta.  The stupidity level of this woman is incredible; it’ll get there MUCH faster with Fedex.
Japanese researchers say a trained Labrador can sniff out colorectal cancer.  I’ll buy that for now, but if they go on to say hamsters can do it too I’m calling them out as sicko ass freaks.
Thought For The Day: It takes a moment to say I Love You but a lifetime to show it.  That’s why I just repeat it a few times and hope they get the point.

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