Monday, January 31, 2011

Joe Is The Jewel

No intro today.  Just jokes.  Kinda like Just Joan Wilder.  I’m of the opinion that the chaos in Egypt is due to Mubarek naming the Cleveland Cavaliers “The Official Team Of The Nile.”  See how those flow together?
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... jokes will get you one day, Colton ...
Cairo's international airport was a scene of chaos and confusion today as thousands of foreigners sought to flee the unrest in Egypt.  In a similar story, LAX was a scene of chaos and confusion today because it’s Monday.
Bad news: Egypt’s shutdown of the internet and mobile phones raised the unrest and riots to new heights.  Good news: It cut down on people walking into closed doors while texting.
A Southern California man has developed what he calls “Soda Pot,” a soft drink infused with THC.  Lindsay Lohan says it’s the only thing that got her through rehab.
John Daly, angry for not getting sponsor exemptions, said he would never play the Bob Hope Classic or the Phoenix Open again.  Daly will stick with the Budweiser Invitational and the Jose Cuervo Open, where he has lifetime exemptions.  OR He then said he never liked those tournaments anyway because they’re fat, and sped off to play in the Hooters 18.
Chris Brown has completed his domestic violence program.  He said he hit that shit hard, and made it his bitch.
A Canadian woman has become the first person in the world to graduate with a Masters degree in Beatles studies.  She fell one credit short of her minor in Strawberry Alarm Clock.  Apparently she nailed the incense but failed the peppermints.
The midwest and upper plains are bracing for what could be an historic winter storm.  Residents considered flying south to escape potential damage, but realized that paying to rebuild a disaster area would be much cheaper than airline baggage fees.
Scientists in South Carolina have been working for a decade to try and grow meat.  Not sure what’s taking so long, Hooters girls can make meat grow just by walking.
A coalition of opposition groups called for a million people to take to Cairo's streets to protest this week.  Hearing this, Louis Farrakhan remarked “Yeah, good luck with that number.”
US researchers have found an increased number of cardiac deaths after a city's team loses the Super Bowl.  This is why I’m glad to be a Cleveland Browns fan - my heart is in zero danger.
Speaking of the Browns, they hired Mark Whipple as their new Quarterbacks coach.  He’s expected to scold the QB’s on the roster for squeezing the ball too hard.  If you immediately grasp that reference (without Googling), I salute you harder than those about to rock.
A small plane made an emergency landing on I-80 in New Jersey.  Local residents called it stupid, saying he would have made much better time if he’d stayed on I-95.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on Monday warned Mexico's drug cartels that any attempt to bring their violent tactics across the border would produce a powerful reaction.  So look out cartels, if you come over here we’ll hold lots and lots of meetings.  Maybe even a press conference.  
Has anyone seen my pants?


  1. A Charmin reference AND an AC/DC reference all in one! And they said it couldn't be done!!

  2. I can't turn this off. I've tried. I just can't. It makes my wife angry...also the people at the bank...

  3. Congrats, you made me chuckle on my lunch break and therefore are no longer in danger of a flogging. Though I may need one myself because I did have to google *hangs head in shame* oh and I take the Browns to the superbowl at least twice a day (depending on my fiber intake)

  4. That's good..and bad....I'm all conflicted...