Friday, January 21, 2011

Ricky Business And The Holy Grail

Starting a new business venture is fraught with peril.  Not the good kind of peril, like when you follow a grail-shaped beacon shone out by the bad, bad, naughty Zoot.  No, that’s excellent peril that you definitely make time for, Lancelot.  No, I’m referring to the kind of peril that could have you living on the street in a cardboard box, or even worse, back in your parents basement. (Not that I don’t love my folks, I just don’t think they want me and my wife and my child in their house....I will NOT have a 10PM curfew again, Dad!!  You can’t make me!!!!)  Some say it’s difficult to begin new life chapters, especially business chapters when you have so much and so many riding on the outcome.  However, when you consider your current situation and level of happiness, decisions become more clear - is what you’re “risking” really what you want at this stage of your life?  If you’re unhappy, disappointed, and know that others are holding you back from your full potential, are you really “risking” anything?  So I say holding on to something that’s over, and NOT taking chances is FAR more difficult - I’d rather swing and miss three times than stay safely in the dugout.  So ask yourself, if the new venture goes wrong, will you be feeling all Alfred, Lord Tennyson “O death in life, the days that are no more!”  If the answer is no, mass plenty of armies in Kamchatka (because it’s a vulnerable border most people miss when they Risk) and go for it.  Joel Goodson said it best after escaping the clutches of Guido The Killer Pimp: “Sometimes you just have to say ‘What the fuck,” and make your move.’”  My idol, the greatest performer of the 20th Century, Mister Francis Albert Sinatra, said it even better: “I’m gonna live, live, live until I die.”
Make today fantastic.
Or at least send me pictures of your rack, ladies.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... joke, brave Sir Robin ...
Life Magazine has released previously unseen photos from JFK’s inauguration in 1960.  Among the amazing images are a shot of Ted with Dean Martin with the handwritten caption “Teddy’s first beer - he didn’t like it!” and one of Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball labeled “Threesome ... aaah yeah, baybee.”
Bad news: Heavy drinking may increase the risk of getting an abnormal heart rhythm.  Good news:  I never had much rhythm anyway.  Cheers!
Wal-Mart, the nation's largest grocer, says it will begin selling healthier food.  So get ready for deep-fried multi-vitamins and chai tea with ranch dip.
Consumer Reports magazine called Verizon’s new iPhone "middle-aged," suggesting that buyers might want to hold out for a younger model.  Hugh Hefner called it the best Consumer Reports article ever.
A Los Angeles woman can speak again after receiving a voice-box transplant.  Her husband is thrilled, saying “It’s great to hear her voice again, I’d completely forgotten what an asshole I am.”
A South Dakota official says Ted Nugent will not be charged for shooting pheasants last fall after some of his hunting privileges were revoked in California.  When asked why, the official said “Dude’s got a gun.”
A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.
The D.C. pandas have a new five year deal to stay in the U.S.  Reportedly the deal includes five million in guaranteed bamboo, a panda option for a sixth year, and the ability to block any trade to the New Jersey Nets.
President Obama wants to cast some light on economic success stories in the shadows of a slow recovery.  To do so, The President has appointed the new $250 billion “Find Economic Success Stories Task Force.”
A man broke into his ex-girlfriends house and reportedly urinated in her wine bottle.  The woman became suspicious when her Pinot Noir “finished way more asparagus-ey than normal.”
The Arby’s restaurant chain has been put up for sale, causing many Wall Street analysts to remark “Arby’s is still around?”
A Beverly Hills salon owner will admit to unauthorized use of celebrity credit cards.  Jennifer Aniston was the first to alert authorities, becoming suspicious after noticing a $400 charge on her Visa bill for “Nude Pictures Of Jennifer Aniston.”
Jesse James said in a recent interview that Kat von D is “The most beautiful girl in the world.”  Close inspection of the video reveals that while speaking, James blinked out a morse code message saying “Currently hostage.  Bitch be crazy.  Help me Sandra.”
UN health officials say governments and industry need to restrict advertising of junk food targeted at children, to fight child obesity.  That, or lazy parents could make the chubby little bastards put down the freaking X-Box, stop texting each other, and play outside.  Either way.
The U.S. Surgeon General has called for more breastfeeding, and suggests women allow men to do it anytime they want if they ask politely.   Well, I didn’t read the report but I’m assuming that last part is true.
South Carolina unions have sued Governor Nikki Haley for “hostility toward unions and workers joining unions.”  It could be worse, Governor; we know what the unions do if they’re REALLY mad at you.
Scientists are attempting once again to get Galapagos Tortoises to mate.  Their last attempt, named “Operation Tequila & Barry White Music” failed miserably.  The new project, called “Pretending To be Interested When She Talks About Her Job,” is considered a longshot.
College Basketball news: UMKC defeated IUPUI 85-77 in Double OT.  UMKC’s PG hit 3PTers at the end of regulation & OT#1 at the MCI Center, after IUPUI missed a bunch of FT’s & their coach got a T.  Time constraints moved the game from ABC to ESPN for OT#2.  IMHO NCAAB is better than NCAAF and the BCS, and ESPN ratings prove it, TYVM. LOL  Hold on, BRB...
NASCAR drivers are in favor of a simpler points system to determine their yearly championship.  NASCAR fans are in favor of an even simpler system that can be counted without removing your shoes and socks.  OR NASCAR fans are also in favor of the new system, as long as they can still scream “Show us your tits!!!!” at total strangers every race.  
President Obama will answer questions from YouTube users in a live event next week.  Expected questions range from “Is this not the cutest kitten and baby video you’ve ever seen?” to “Did you see that guy get kicked in the nuts?  Hilarious!!!”
A pair of New York firefighters are recovering from hypothermia after rescuing a horse from a swimming pool.  Apparently someone had led the horse there and it fell in after refusing to drink.

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