Thursday, January 20, 2011

Little Ricky, Little Binky, Little Snooki

As many longtime readers are aware, I’m a huge fan of removing my pants and running around in public.  It’s free, it doesn’t promote tooth decay, and it gives those otherwise boring people who see me something interesting to discuss for awhile.  At least it will briefly stop them from talking about American Idol.  Sorry, I have NEVER understood the appeal - if I want to watch talentless losers butcher hit songs from the past forty years, I’ll go to any number of Vegas lounges; at least there I can get a Six Foot Blonde. (That’s a drink really...order it correctly though, or you may find “that’s not a straw!”)  Anyway, the latest season of Idol began this week, so people will soon be discussing these idiots with the same fervor we used to reserve for important topics, like governmental affairs or how complete strangers’ hamstrings will affect the NFL playoffs.    You know, life altering stuff.  I don’t want to know about idol, so attempting to engage me in conversation about it will heretofore be taken as an act of war or at least slap-fighting.  Seriously, don’t ask me if I think this years’ version of Clay Aiken was robbed in the voting, or you may be subjected to the “why are you hitting yourself” routine.  Listen closely: I DON’T CARE.    Now it’s almost 6PM.  Where are my pants?  I have work to do...
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... if you joke at a Garden Party, I wish you a lot of luck ...
I flew the Red Eye flight from LA last night.  They should rename it the “Pretend To Be Asleep And Repeatedly Cut One” flight.  
Chrysler and the EPA are trying to adapt an engine technology to improve gas mileage in minivans.  No word on whether the improved minivans will still require the buyer to hand in his testicles.
A new study say that genetics appear to play a role in heavy drinking by teenagers.  Asked about the study, 84% of teenagers said the study was “Stupid, man.  Booooring.  Shut up and let me live my life!”  They then slammed the door and were heard screaming “I hate you!  I hate you!  I wish I’d never been polled!!!”
NFL QB Vince Young said that he plans to compete to be a starter in the league again.  Young then cried and asked for his binky.
China has agreed to buy $45 billion in U.S. products.  So after the defectives are recalled and all of the lawsuits, this deal will only cost us about $70 billion.  OR  In return, President Obama allowed them to keep their Ancient Chinese laundry secrets just a little longer.
The final numbers are in, and 2010 is the second worst year ever for home construction, trailing only the Great Mud Shortage of 8 B.C.  (Which Keith Olbermann also blames on George Bush)
Venezuela says it is the nation with the largest proven crude oil reserves in the world, with Saudi Arabia now second.  A surprising third?  The hair of the cast of Jersey Shore.
Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman in the new Batman movie.  Now creepy guys won’t have to feel so bad fantasizing about her, like they did when she was in The Princess Diaries.
Legendary comedian George Burns was born this day in 1896.  Even dead, he’s funnier than half of network television.  OR Burns was also the inspiration for one of my favorite “Failed First Drafts:” “Say Goodnight Gracie.” “No, YOU say it, you prick.”  RIP GiggleMaster.
Carol Moseley Braun says that Bill Clinton is betraying minorities.  Clinton responded by saying “That’s not true, just last week I specifically ordered three Asian hookers.”
An archaeological study has identified a 9,400 year old dog.  I think that’s a pretty mean thing to say about Janet Reno’s younger sister.
Scientists have discovered a new species of giant crayfish in Tennessee.  No one seems to want to mention that it was discovered less than a hundred yards from the Nashville Nuclear Power Plant.
Phil Mickelson has made his first trip to the MIddle East, to compete in the Dubai Classic.  Mickelson is expected to have the exact same amount of success promoting Middle East Peace as Hillary Clinton.
Thought For The Day: The meek shall inherit the crappy stuff the aggressive older brother doesn’t want.

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