Friday, January 7, 2011

Sickness, Snow, And The Civil War

So, have you broken your resolutions yet?  Yes you have, don’t lie to me. You make me sick.  Which means I haven’t broken my big resolution, which was to be made sick by others more often.  It’s much easier than losing weight or working out or hang gliding into a volcano or whatever you resolved to do.  All I really need to do is look around, and something usually makes me sick. Whether it’s Washington DC, celebrities with the IQ of spinach dip, or coughing Asian ducks, the bile rises regularly.  Which is fortuitous, since I also resolved to start the worlds largest bile collection. (Right now I stand third, behind Justin Beiber’s fluffer and Kirstie Alley’s late night chef)  Anyway, don’t beat yourself up for breaking resolutions, they’re made to be broken.  Anything that denies a human being cookies is evil.  Go.  Have a cookie.  I’m off to refrigerate my bile collection.
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... da jokes now follow ...
One day in and the GOP-controlled Congress has already broken promises.  I’ll say the same thing I said to my Democrat friends in 2009 - Are you TRULY surprised they lied directly to your face?  Really?  Oh come on now, you’re not that gullible, are you?
Ted Williams says it's been challenging dealing with the sudden rush of fame.  He also says it’s been challenging having to pee indoors and constantly wear pants.
A class-action suit against claims 60% of the profiles are for inactive, fake or fraudulent users.  Even worse, the suit claims the other 40% are all fat chicks.
Paula Abdul's "Live To Dance" sank 25% on night two, finishing with 7.7 million viewers.  Intelligent people everywhere agree: that’s not low enough.
More snow is coming to the mid-Atlantic and northeast U.S. today.  Residents and meteorologists are stunned.  You know, because this never happens in the winter.
Two packages detonated in the mailrooms of two Maryland state government buildings on Thursday, but no one was seriously injured.  Luckily, all of the government workers were outside on their 5th morning break at the time.
Kirk Cameron said in a recent interview that it’s silly to equate the rash of dead birds with the end of the world.  Obviously, the end of the world will be imminent when someone greenlights “Growing Pains: The Movie.”
Today in 1789 The United States held its first presidential election.  Joe Miller is still asking for a recount.
Two newly elected Republican House members voted several times Wednesday before they were officially sworn in.  Folks, they’re members of Congress - if this is the only law they violate this week it will be a miracle.
A television viewer called in a minor rules violation that had PGA golfer Camilo Villegas disqualified from the tournament.  It’s probably the same knob from high school who would remind the teacher “You forgot to give us homework!”  
The Library of Congress recently acquired a rare collection of Civil War-era photographs.  The most impressive is the one of Lincoln being interviewed by Larry King.
Yellowstone National Park set a record for most visitors ever in 2010.  In a related story, bears are the least hungry they’ve ever been.  OR Conversely, Jellystone National Park had the fewest number of pic-a-nic basket robberies ever.
The kidney donating sisters have been released from prison.  Reportedly, Charles Manson has asked doctors if it has to be HIS kidney he’s donating.

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