Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jesse And The Junk Science

Sometimes joke blogs are so funny, they need no introduction.  This is not one of those times, but I’m still giving no introduction.  What are you going to do, demand your money back?  I have things to do and places to run through pantsless.  Busy, busy, busy...
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... jokes come from a land down under ...
Some health experts say oral sex may be to blame for rising levels of certain neck cancers.  I say this is EXACTLY the kind of junk science that wives should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hear.  Ever.
The National Archives says a longtime Abraham Lincoln researcher has been caught putting false information into Lincoln documents.  Apparently Lincoln never had a secretary named Kennedy.  Strangely, he did have a secretary named Tiger.  Also Lady GaGa.  Weird, right?  OR We now know that Lincoln was not, repeat not Oprah’s half-brother.
Keith Olbermann said this week that "reports of the death of my career are greatly exaggerated." Sadly, that half-mangled quote is one of the most original thoughts Olbermann has ever had.
Cycling champion Alberto Contador says there are many things an athlete can do that may cause a positive drug test.  Innocent things, like eating veal, drinking whisky, using certain brands of toothpaste, or even the simple act of injecting performance enhancing steroids directly into your bloodstream.  It’s a shame.
Fox Sports chairman David Hill believes NASCAR races need to be shortened to fit into a three-hour broadcast window.  Many others believe NASCAR races need to be shortened because they suck.
An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.
The western Canadian province of Manitoba said it may experience heavy flooding this spring.  Man, talk about jumping on the bandwagon; all the cool countries are having flooding, and now you want to have some too?  Piss off Manitoba, you poser.
Former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura sued the TSA this week, alleging full-body scans and pat-downs at airport checkpoints violate his right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures.  The lawsuit claims that the next time someone touches Ventura’s junk, he’ll throw a handful of salt in their eyes and crack a folding chair over their head.
Jersey Shore is headed to Italy for its fourth season.  If we all wish upon a star reeeeeeeally hard, maybe the Sicilians will teach them the ancient art of sleeping with the fishes.  OR Apparently the cast didn’t notice that the producers only bought them one way tickets.
A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”
The major college football conferences took in an all-time income record in the just-finished season.  Bookmark and remember this the next time a college football playoff is denounced due to “concerns over players academics.”
An expert European panel says that staff at Air France regularly neglects safety.  After emerging from a plane bathroom drunk, with another man’s half-dressed wife, while smoking a cigarette, Air France’s head Flight Attendant vehemently denied the report.

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