Monday, January 3, 2011

Priests And Polar Bears, Home Alone

Some NFL coaches were fired today.  No one cared.  My latest fake internet rumor is “Men viewing more than ten hours per week of online all-girl porn shown to be smarter than most Rhodes Scholars.”
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... joking R. Johnson ...
2,000 red-winged blackbirds fell dead from the sky in Beebe, Arkansas over the weekend.   Though it was a week late, Arkansas residents say it was the best Christmas dinner they can ever remember.
A new study says that infants as young as nine months can already be obese.  The Vatican has expressed outrage at this study, saying “Every child is sexy in their own way.”
A new study says that the length of your fingers can affect your chances of getting prostate cancer.  I don’t know if that’s true, but the length of your doctors fingers can certainly affect FINDING prostate cancer.
Polar bears have destroyed several BBC cameras concealed in ice casings for a documentary.  Apparently the bears have seen BBC documentaries, and didn’t want the same shoddy research done on their habits.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson refused to pardon Wild West outlaw Billy The Kid, saying there was not enough evidence to forgive the infamous gunslinger.  Mr. The Kid’s attorneys now plan to appeal to the NCAA, saying “If they can pardon Cam Newton and the guys from Ohio State, they can find enough evidence to pardon just about anyone.”
A religious group is saying that May 21, 2011 will be the end of the world.  We know this is completely false, as the Cubs can’t win the World Series before then.
In a defiant speech, the President of South Korea said that his country would not allow the North "covet even an inch of our territory.”  He went on to say that the North could covet their wives though, because they’ve gotten kind of fat lately.  Later he asked off-the-record if the North was into swapping.  That night he slept on the couch.
Kim Kardashian said in a recent interview that she doesn’t think she’s sexy.  I apologize to Ms Kardashian for all of my previous jokes - apparently she IS getting smarter.
Mila Kunis and Macauley Culkin are no longer together.  Culkin friend Joe Pesci says the former child star has been hanging out at his house all alone for a week, so he and Daniel Stern will head over later and try to make him feel better.
Singapore officials say they are looking to tourism and casino’s to boost their economy.  Yeah ... if unlimited $2 blowjobs can’t get the economy going, I’m not sure blackjack and pachinko have much of a chance.

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