Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Yes, I Said Trenta AND Flagon

I’ve realized that I can’t stand people who are unable to make themselves the butt of a joke.  Especially a joke about butts.  Man oh man, if 98% of us can’t joke about our butts
there is something seriously wrong; as a connoisseur of female behinds since 1982, I can tell you there are a lot of good ones out there.  However, as a comic who’s performed on ships for the better part of a decade, I can tell you there are a TON MORE of them out there that ... are ... well, let’s just say a Trenta sized flagon of Tequila couldn’t improve the view.  To prove my point about self-deprecating (which sounds like something that could make you go blind but really isn’t)(It’s a form of Turkish cheese)(I swear, look it up) I include myself in the latter group.  There are reasons I don’t wear certain types of swimwear, among those reasons are the fact that I respect my fellow human beings eyesight and it always crawls up to the Klingon Old Quarter, if you get my drift.  Anyway, lately I’ve been getting a lot of Twitter followers that seemingly don’t understand that it’s OK to not be the biggest, baddest Leroy Brown on the block; I’m experienced enough to know that the folks who act that tough are usually giant, wussy stinkfaces.  Just like me.  You, too.  Even those who have the nice butts, though they’re more fun to watch leave after they figure out you’re a stinkface.  Mmmm, mmm.  
As usual, see more of me including TV appearances & promo video at www.starspangledcomedy.com
... jokest man in the whole joke town ...
Robert Downey Jr said he thought Ricky Gervais mentioning his drug rehab was mean-spirited at the Golden Globes.  Especially when Gervais grew antlers and flew around the room in a purple polka-dot devil suit.  Trippy.
Japanese researchers plan to use cloning technology to resurrect the Woolly Mammoth in about five years.  So many Godzilla and/or Jurassic Park jokes....my head is spinning... OR Trust me, the Woolly Mammoth is alive and well in the town of "Winter Bikini Line, USA."
Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez are working on a memoir, tentatively titled “The Family Sheen: Two Out Of Three Aint Bad.”  OR Charlie Sheen is trying to remember where he left his pants.  OR Charlie Sheen is also writing a memoir called “Charlie And The Cacao Factory.  I mean Cocoa.  Yeah, Cocoa, that’s it...”
Regis Philbin is retiring from his show.  Dear Joy Behar:  hint, hint.
Steve Jobs has taken his second medical leave from Apple.  The Jester is taking credit for hacking Jobs’ lungs.
Jennifer Aniston has revealed that she never liked “The Rachel” haircut she made famous on Friends.  That’s OK Jen, we only liked that in polite company - we were usually looking at a WHOLE different part of you.
“The Kings Speech” received fourteen nominations in The British Academy Film Awards, including “Best Picture That Pseudo-Intellectual LA Douchebags In Porkpie Hats Will Pretend They Deeply Understand.”
Former American Idol contestant Alex Lambert says he is homeless.  In Twitter-speak, he needs to “Follow @RonJeremy.”  
A report says California faces the risk of a "superstorm” which could produce massive flooding and cause up to $400 billion in property damage.  Keep in mind that with the price of California real estate, that’s really only about eight houses.
A new study says that students aren’t learning much through their sophomore year in college, and blamed it on universities offering too many “easy” courses.  Yeah, I’m sure that it,s nothing to do with no parents, beer, and the opposite sex.  Nah.  OR I find that completely unbelievable; by the end of my sophomore year I knew I could have thirteen beers before I hurled, and I could tell immediately which chicks were hammered enough to sleep with me.  You know, important life skills.
Thought For The Day: Marriage vows wouldn't be so absolute if they were written by men. They'd include more terms like "mostly," and "pretty much always," and "except during the 4th quarter or the playoffs."

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