Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Crack, Cuervo & The Cavs

A random observation to open today’s blog: 
When someone tells me they hid something in plain sight, I just assume the person they’re hiding it from is an unobservant idiot.  Also probably easy to beat at Hide-N-Seek.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
...Monday, Tuesday, jokey-days...
Ke$ha says she wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears. At least now we know where that black cobra was trying to go.
A Chilean man has eighty-two tattoos of Julia Roberts on his body.  He previously had ninety-six, but after seeing “Eat Love Pray” he said “I had to do SOMETHING.”
A man convicted of murdering a motivational speaker was sentenced to prison yesterday in NYC.  In his defense, he was only taking the speaker’s words “Plan It And DO It!” and putting them into action.
Southwest Airlines found crack in five of their older planes and grounded them. Mercedes Benz announced a safety recall on over 130,000 of their M-Class vehicles. The overlap between the two safety issues is expected to be nearly zero.
A United Airlines pilot pleaded not guilty to flying drunk in federal court this week.  He went on to say that maybe if his bosses didn’t bitch at him all the time he wouldn’t HAVE to drink so much.
Despite a blowout that sank one of its rigs and caused a huge oil spill, Transocean Ltd described 2010 as its "best year in safety."  In a similar story, the Cleveland Cavaliers have described 2011 as their “best year in the NBA.” OR In a similar story, Lindsay Lohan described 2011 as her “best year in rehab.”  
Researchers announced that seeing a milkshake can activate the same areas of the brain that light up when an addict sees cocaine.  Consequently, the FBI slapped Kelis with millions of federal drug indictments for bringing boys to the yard.
NATO officials say that the recent strikes have destroyed 30% of Libya’s military power. So by power of deduction they have seven groups of teenage boys in the street throwing rocks remaining.
The list of the Top 10 albums & singles on iTunes makes me both question the existence of both a loving God, yet thank him for the existence of Cuervo.
An Arizona Judge has delayed the scheduled execution of an inmate. Reportedly the judge asked “Dude you want to kill is white; are we allowed do that here?”
The FBI announced that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Bank teller smartphones everywhere were then programmed with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”
City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

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