Daily Monologue Jokes 10/8

The voices in my head have been in a particularly good mood lately, and I’d like to keep it that way.  So in addition to obeying their every whim - today I had to wear shoulder-to-shoulder clown makeup, a bedazzled purple thong, and set fire to my own boogers, which really freaked out the people on the Verandah Deck - I’d like to enlist your help in the matter.  Go ahead and click that “Follow” button to the right of this page and pass this blog on to other people.  Important people.  Stodgy, reserved, easily offended people who don’t appreciate jokes about boogers and clown makeup and will say things like “Well, I never!” and walk off in a huff, whatever a huff is.  That makes me giggle.  It makes the voices in my head giggle.  Wouldn’t you like to be a giggler too?

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by paying me $5.

A new report says that more than 89,000 stimulus checks of $250 each went to people who were either dead or in prison.  OK, so there’s 89,000 votes in Chicago for Rahm Emanuel.  

An ordinary-looking white flower from Japan carries the longest genome ever discovered. Scientists say it’s the first time in history that something white has won the title of “longest in the world.”

Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle said the country needs to address a "militant terrorist situation" that has allowed Islamic religious law to take hold in some American cities.  Apparently she doesn’t know Vegas already took care of that when they changed The Aladdin to Planet Hollywood.

A 1,674 pound pumpkin in San Diego is just short of the world record.  Witnesses say it may have actually been the largest, but Rosie O’Donnell arrived minutes before the official weigh-in and...well...  OR Upon seeing it, a small child with a blue security blanket screamed “AAAAUGH!” and passed out.  

Police in suburban Cincinnati arrested a woman after she flagged an officer down and asked if there were any warrants out for her arrest.  That night in jail the woman reportedly flagged down the butchest inmate in the rec room and asked “Have I been forced into any disgusting prison sex yet?”

A senior citizen recently fought off a robber who had broken into her home wielding a wrench, by hitting him repeatedly with a broomstick.  Christine O’Donnell said her Mom is recovering nicely, and the broom should be flight-ready again in a matter of days.

Robert Rizzo, the former City Administrator in Bell, California was release from jail today on $2 million bail. “No problem,” said Rizzo, “Can it wait until my next paycheck?”

The cast of the polygamist show “Sister Wives” is set to film an interview on Oprah next week.  There is no confirmation of the rumor that Oprah plans to give out a wife to every member of the studio audience.

Good news: American Airlines recalled 800 previously furloughed workers this week.  Bad news: All 800 will work in the newly created “Let’s come up with new add-on fees” department.

In a recent interview, fired CNN host Rick Sanchez says he “screwed up” when he made anti-Semitic remarks recently.  I don’t know, it seems like more people have seen him on TV since he got fired than ever did before.  Hey Rick, sleep with one of your young female staffers and you could get a whole new show!

1.5 million copies of former President Bush’s memoirs will hit bookstore shelves soon.  Publishing insiders say that’s an optimistic sales projection for a pop-up book.

A Swiss museum announced Friday that it will display a bar of soap an artist claims to have made out of fat belonging to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  An hour later, a new line of soap products was announced by Kirstie Alley.

An engine fire forced passengers to evacuate an Allegiant Air jet in Orlando today.  Responding quickly and decisively, TSA officials immediately confiscated everyone’s shampoo and belt buckles.

A North Dakota man was arrested on suspicion of stolen property and mistreating animals, after he allegedly castrated his neighbors dog.  The county has charged him with mistreating animals.  The “stolen property” charge comes from the dog himself.

The Mayors of San Francisco and Atlanta have made a wager on the outcome of the National League Division Series.  Reportedly the Mayor whose team loses the series actually has to do something productive.

A German drugmaker has stopped developing what was dubbed the "pink Viagra" after failing to convince U.S. regulators the pill could boost women's sex drive.  They were also unable to make the pill more cost-efficient than the current “sex drive booster” for women, which is five Long Island Ice Tea’s.

Jerry Brown’s campaign has apologized for calling Meg Whitman a “whore” recently.  In their statement they explained they meant to call her a “Richie rich bitch.”  OR  In their defense, they were probably high and thought they were talking to the pizza delivery chick.

Former San Francisco 49er Glen Coffee, who recently retired after one season to “pursue a religious calling,” was arrested for illegally carrying a loaded automatic pistol in his car.  Yep, definitely a religious fundamentalist.

John Stamos says that his recently resolved court case was a “celebrity bashing circus.” It’s not immediately clear who the celebrity is that Stamos is talking about.

Reports have surfaced that an elephant in a South Korean zoo can talk.  However, TV executives have been cautious about covering the story, still smarting from the embarrassment of the “Michigan J Frog” fiasco.

Bill Idol announced he will be writing a memoir.  If it truly is based on his memories, there should be nothing in the book between 1976 and 1988.

Republican John Boehner said in a recent speech that the Democratic Party was filled with insiders who “don’t listen to the American people anymore.”  Informed that a new poll shows a large majority of Americans now support embryonic stem cell research, Boehner said “No more questions!” and stormed off.

*THREE BAD...SUPERVILLAIN NAMES*

The Crazy Sphincter

Ed The Anarchist

The Maddeningly Androgynous Attorney

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/7

Have you ever eaten an entire “fun size” package of Spree all at once?  I just did.  It’s fun facts and personal honesty like this that make you come back to my blog again and again, isn’t it?  Admit it, the combination of soul-baring truth and philosophical poopy jokes is irresistible, isn’t it?  It’s what brings the ladies to the party, bay-bee.  Today’s blog is dedicated to the memory of Dr Marvin Monroe.

As always, see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by plying me with Scotch and cash.

A southern Baptist leader is calling on Christians to avoid Yoga, saying the spiritual attachment to the practice does not represent Christian beliefs.  Rick Sanchez agrees, saying “Damn right it’s not Christian, Yoga is all run by the Jews anyway.”  OR The Baptist leader went on to say that Buddhist meditation is actually a Hindu mind-trap, physical therapy is a form of witchcraft, and men doing ballet stretches is “pretty gay.”

New reports say that Vice President Joe Biden is “Boldly going where Obama can’t.”  Yes, apparently Biden is having lunch at a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky.

Researchers have a pair of new suspects in the mysterious collapse of honey bee colonies across the country, saying that a virus and a fungus appear to be the likely culprits.  Officials are not saying that the investigation has completely cleared the stuffed-with-fluff bear caught with his head in the honeypot and his small pig companion, but “the evidence no longer points in their direction.”

Cuba has admitted that it’s communist economy is failing, and that capitalism is the way to prosperity.  Now if we could just get the people in Washington DC to jump onboard that train...

A Taiwan rice farm has erected scarecrows dressed like Michael Jackson, in attempt to ward off birds at crucial harvest time.  So far the effects on the birds have been mixed, however children under the age of twelve are absolutely petrified and won’t go NEAR the place.

Doctors and hospitals in Britain are giving an Alzheimer's drug a second chance after disappointing results in previous uses.  The second chance is being given mostly because none of the patients can remember the failures from the first time.

Authorities have ruled Gary Coleman’s death an accident.  In response, Coleman’s friends and family issued a statement that reads simply “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, authorities?”  (Rimshot)

The blockbuster trade of Randy Moss to the Minnesota Viking sent fantasy football owners scrambling, planning to spend hours at their computers reworking their starting lineups for this weekend.  It also sent the owners girlfriends scrambling to the store to stock up on batteries, since the owners will be spending hours at their computers reworking their starting lineups for this weekend.

Asian Golf Tour organizers say Paul Casey, Luke Donald and Rory McIlroy will join Tiger Woods at next month's HSBC Champions event in Shanghai.  Casey, Donald and McIlroy say they are excited to experience a new culture and to help promote golf in China, and Tiger just thinks “Asian chicks are freakin’ hot.”

Back-to-back bombings occurred at a vegetable market south of Baghdad yesterday.  A group of insurgents have claimed responsibility, but some officials believe it was a couple of kids who just hate vegetables.  Yes, just before the explosions witnesses reportedly heard someone screaming “Go ahead Mom, give THESE to those damn starving kids who will appreciate them!!!”

Morocco has launched an ambitious program to produce "green" electricity and reduce its dependence on energy imports, but not all citizens are onboard.  Rick Blaine, owner of “Ricks Cafe Americain,” told reporters “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did they have to put a windmill up near mine?”

“Love Your Body Day” is October 20.  Um...is it OK if I get started a little early?  OR Reportedly, competing public and “semi-public” celebrations have been set up in Washington DC by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods.  OR A large gathering has been organized by The Wilt Chamberlain Foundation.

A new study says that college educated young adults are more likely to get married. The study also say those with only a high school diploma are four times more likely to be naked on YouTube.

Missile tests by the Chinese military have been shrouded in secrecy.  Despite repeated pleas from the international community, top military officials are steadfastly holding to their “Ancient Chinese Secret” stance.

TSA officials removed passengers from a Philadelphia to Bermuda flight Thursday, after reports that someone was helping to load the plane without a security badge.  In their normal targeted response, TSA promptly went through all of the checked luggage and took away everyone’s toothpaste.

LA police are trying to find two men who posed a cops and hijacked a delivery truck earlier today.  Casting Directors are also trying to find the two men, as there’s a CSI: New York casting call for “believable cops” later today.

Thousands of condom are clogging the plumbing in the athletes village at The Commonwealth Games in India.  In a preemptive move, BIll Clinton issued a statement that he was “Nowhere near New Delhi India, especially the Days Inn right near the athletes village.”  OR Fans now expect to see a new world record in the “100 Meter Skin Flute.” OR One sports journalist remarked “Well, that’s a new tactic in the Pole Vault.”

A recent poll revealed that 92% of children under the age of two have an online presence, including their own email address.  Of those, nearly 90% have addresses ending in “@Rkelley.com.”

Pumpkin farmers have seen a large increase in profit, due to sales of strange and sometimes downright ugly varieties.  Brothel owners across Nevada have contacted the pumpkin farmers asking for their secrets, with Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof saying “If we can make money with the weird looking and ugly ones in addition to our stable of hotties, man oh man are we in business!”

Justin Timberlake says he thinks vinyl records sound better than digitalized tunes.  Similarly, music lovers say they prefer bands who originally recorded on vinyl to Justin Timberlake.

Twelve female journalism students posed in lacy underwear and used sexual innuendo to create a birthday calendar for Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.  For my birthday this year I got dinner at Applebees.  I had to pay.  I guess it’s good to be the King.

A U.S. trade official says that investing in Iraq can invigorate a shattered, demoralized, and tattered economy.  Apparently it could also help the Iraqi economy, too.

A new report out attempts to tell Baby Boomers what they need to know about Alzheimer’s.  The report is titled “OK I’ll tell you again, but this is the last time.  Write it down or something so you don’t forget again.”

North Korea's gymnasts have been suspended from the world championships starting next week because one team member was revealed to be older than reported.  In a related story, R. Kelley and two dozen Catholic Priests suddenly cancelled their trips to the world championships for “personal reasons.”

Cycling champion Alberto Contador continues to stand by his claim that contaminated meat caused his positive doping test.  In a related story, “contaminated meat” is the same reason given by Jenna Jameson for her positive STD tests.

*FAILED FIRST DRAFTS*

You don’t change horses in mid-stream, but it is easier to pee there

Early to bed, early to rise, makes you one tired son of a bitch

If at first you don’t succeed, hire a minority and blame it on them

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/6

I have recently been accused of writing this blog for the sole purpose of trying to get women to send me nude photos of themselves.  This is categorically untrue, those photos are simply a by-product.  A wonderful, wonderful by-product.  My main reason for the blog is to get a high-paying comedy writing job in Hollywood, where I make enough money to run around naked in public and buy my way out of it like a real celebrity.  THEN the women will want to send me the nude photos of themselves.  Don’t put the cart before the penis, people.

As always you can see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you follow me into the gym locker room or a phone booth.

An Atlanta federal judge's relationship with a stripper started with a lap dance and quickly escalated into escapades of prostitution and gun-toting drug deals for cocaine and prescription pills.  Or as it’s called in Hollywood: Thursday.  OR In an interview, the judge said “At the end of all of this I can say without a doubt, no matter what you do, there is NO sex in the champagne room.”

Guatemala on Wednesday issued a formal request for full disclosure on how US scientists deliberately infected hundreds of people here with sexually transmitted diseases from 1946-1948.  The US sent a message back that began “Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much...”

Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang turn sixty this year.  There is apparently no truth to the rumor that, in an attempt to “hip” the cartoon to the current generation of kids during new adventures, Lucy goes to jail for sibling battery and abuse, The Little Red Haired Girl becomes a groupie and gets knocked up by Schroeder, and the neighborhood parents are investigated for constantly leaving the children alone to fend for themselves on national holidays.

A new federal law is attempting to make colleges and universities more transparent in their estimates and listings of costs.  Some of the new categories of fees now available for all to see include “Rehab costs for the drugged out, tenured philosophy reject professor who thinks it’s still 1968,” “Slush fund to hush-up co-ed pregnancies by the horndog softball coach,” and “Vegas research grant...unspecified.”

A surprise Tiger cub was born at the Frankfurt zoo in Germany.  The two surprising things about the birth are that the mother was previously thought to be infertile, and that the cub kind of looks like Tiger Woods.

Scientists on Wednesday unveiled more than 200 new species discovered in Papua New Guinea.  Among the most amazing species are a white-tailed mouse, a tiny, long-snouted frog, and people who give a flying fart about this kind of announcement.

Officials in the Philippines have said that anyone singing the national anthem incorrectly faces a $2,000 fine and up to two years in prison.  Later, the US Justice Department retroactively applied for the death penalty for Carl Lewis (Lewis and his famous 1993 version of The Star Spangled Banner here) 

CNN's new talk show Spitzer-Parker has debuted to low viewership and scathing reviews, with comments ranging from "unbearable" to "icky" and "obnoxious".  In a silver lining, Spitzer did quite well in the 18-22 year old homewrecking skank demographic.

According to a recent survey, men think women are having orgasms during intercourse more than they actually are.  According to a similar study, women think men care about this more than they actually do.

A new study say that giving mouth-to-mouth during CPR doesn’t deliver the benefits previously believed.  Unless the person needing CPR is a totally hot chick, of course.  Then it’s the best thing ever.

Bayer is researching a new drug that will help older women have and enjoy sex more.  As I understand it that drug already exists, it’s called “Lots Of Beer For Young Guys.”

The fate of the polygamist family featured in the TLC show "Sister Wives" is now in the hands of county prosecutors, and many questions remain unanswered.  The biggest mystery remains why he’s nailing the chubby one.

The guy who owns the note to Octomom's home is now threatening to publicly humiliate” Nadya Suleman if she doesn't pay off her massive debt in three days.  Uuh, does this guy think it’s still possible to humiliate this shameless skank? If he can pull off that herculean task, maybe we should give him a crack at fixing the economy.

Chuck Schumer was recently voted the most popular Senator in the US.  In awards of similar prestige, Chloe was voted “Smartest Kardashian,” Al Roker was voted “Wackiest Weatherman,” “ and Candi - with her neck bruises and C-section scar - was voted “Hottest Day-Shift Stripper.”

Researchers claim to have unearthed a "hidden" language spoken by only about 1,000 people, in the remote northeast corner of India.  A full announcement is pending, and they say it’s going to be eally-ray antastic-fay.  OR The language, for now known only as “Computer Service Center,” is difficult to translate, since they only speak one or two words, then play “hold” music for fifteen.

Ruby Tuesday Inc. said its net income rose in its fiscal first quarter as revenue improved for the restaurant chain. A spokesman credited the rise in income to the switch from serving grass-fed angus beef, to mostly sparrow and woodchuck.

A new study say that a drink or two of alcohol per week might not be detrimental to the fetus of pregnant women.  The study was funded by a grant from a group called “Doctors Married To Pregnant Chicks That Haven’t Had Any For Five Months.”

A global positioning system that tracks sex offenders failed in several states on Tuesday, leaving authorities blind to the real-time movements of thousands of offenders for most of the day.  Officials released a statement saying “We’re pretty sure they were all trying to have sex.”

The laws signed by Adolf Hitler taking away the citizenship of German Jews before the Holocaust were placed on rare public display Wednesday at the National Archives.  I cannot confirm or deny the rumors that Rick Sanchez was there taking pictures for over four hours.

*THREE BAD...WEDDING TOASTS*

I get her next, I call!!!

So somehow the shots cleared it up, and here we all are today.

HULK SMASH!

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/5

As we embark as a nation into the 4th quarter of 2010, I’d like to say something important and uplifting.  However, that would distract me from making sordid, juvenile poop jokes and running around naked in public, and who wants that?  So won’t you join me by clicking that “follow” button to the right of this page, removing your pantaloons, and making armpit farts on public transportation?  Trust me, it will placate the voices in your head.

As always, you can see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by sneaking in my bedroom at night and lifting up the covers.

President Obama held his first summit on Community Colleges at The White House today.  Most of the attendees arrived late after losing track of time in the smoking lounge, then interrupted his speech by asking “Is this going to be on the test?”

Christine O’Donnell released a TV ad saying “I’m not a witch.”  She went on to say these are not the droids you’re looking for.  OR She said she’s not a witch at all, she and her little dog Toto are from Kansas; initial reports on the ad show gay men now overwhelmingly prefer “O’Dorothy.”

Had John Lennon lived to be seventy, Yoko Ono thinks he would have been more relaxed about the milestone than he was about his 40th birthday.  Of course, had John lived to be seventy he likely would have wised up by now, and Yoko “wouldn’t be with us” to make that statement...if you get our drift...

Jailed singer George Michael has denied newspaper reports that he is receiving special treatment while in prison.  The reports said Michael was able to choose “top or bottom,” and “shank or shiv.”  

The Naked Cowboy, a strapping guitar player known for his nearly-in-the-buff performances in New York’s Times Square, has announced he will run for President in 2012.  Upon hearing the news, Ralph Nader remarked “Well, at least this time I know I won’t finish dead last.”  

Wyclef Jean has been named a fellow by Brown University. Apparently all Jean had to do was drop his pants and the Brown Board of Regents said “Yep, he’s a fellow.”  OR

In other intellectual actions, Brown named Cyndi Lauper a lady, named the Spruce a tree, and named Roscoe P. Coltrane a Sheriff.

Border Patrols agents along the Southwest border have gotten stuck in bureaucratic limbo, with a new government report showing federal regulations have stalled projects for months.  President Obama promised to handle the situation by setting a meeting to discuss the opportunity of creating a future federal task force to undertake a yearlong study and report back to the undersecretary of the committee on cutting bureaucracy, who will then bring it to the floor of The House for a symbolic vote against red tape and another vote on whether to fund a new oversight panel who will take up a measure to vote on in early 2012.  Then they’ll make amendments to the amendment of the measure.  That should take care of it.

More than 150 competitors attended the European Beard Championships in Leogang, Germany this past weekend.  The most shocking outcome was that Katie Holmes didn’t win one award.

Australian police say a graphic video of an unarmed man who was zapped with a Tazer thirteen times shows an unacceptable misuse of stun guns.  “The guy was white,” says a police spokesman, “Six times max for a white dude.  Come on!”

US paleontologists said in a study that some dinosaurs may have been at least 10 percent taller than previously thought.  British paleontologists dispute the notion, saying “It’s obvious they were wearing lifts.”  OR They also may have had much bigger hands and feet than previously thought, meaning some female dinosaurs probably wish they hadn’t turned down dates.

Some scientists are saying that immediately following The Big Bang was a period of utter chaos.  I don’t know, “Accidentally On Purpose” isn’t the greatest show ever, but I wouldn’t call it utter chaos.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have said QB Ben Roethlesberger will start this coming Sunday.  Head Coach Mike Tomlin said “Our team just needs a shot in the ass.”

Michael Vick says he expects to miss one or two weeks due to the injury he suffered last weekend.  It could have been longer, but luckily none of his dog-strangling muscles were hurt.

Ozzy Osbourne has recorded a cover of John Lennon’s song “How” in honor of what would have been the former Beatle’s seventieth birthday.  At least, that’s what they think Ozzy was singing.  Difficult to tell.  Could have been “Snoopy And The Red Baron” for all we know.

Lil Wayne has been put in solitary confinement at Rikers Island prison.  Apparently he asked for solitary, as he was tired of the other inmates making him be “Lil Kim”... if you know what I mean...

A man in Kansas City was arrested after hitting his wife of seven years with a hammer.  Police found the crime odd, since copper is the seventh anniversary gift - hand tools are for the twelfth year.

NOAA officials say that we should prepare for a “La Nina Winter” of snow, ice and cold temperatures.  Unlike regular winter, you know...with snow, ice and cold temperatures.

*ODDLY SEXY FACTS ABOUT ME*

(Things that turn women on but they’ll never admit it)

I can sing more than a dozen Weird Al Yankovic songs from memory

I like butter AND jelly on my toast...rye toast

I sometimes let my toenails grow for weeks

I can’t bend over or get out of a chair with going “uuuungh”

At dinner I’ll ask straight up “Are we gettin’ it on tonight?” so I know whether or not to order onions

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/4

So today it's raining in Los Angeles.  That means it's time to get off our duffs and research what the hell started people calling their hineys "duffs."  It's kind of weird, right?  Not just me thinking that?  Oh, to have you be a follower of my blog!!!!

As always, more of me can be seen at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you peek through the shower door.

A new study in the Journal Of Sexual Medicine surveyed 5,865 people ranging in age from fourteen to ninety-four about their sexual habits and preferences.  The number one preference?  “Please don’t make me have sex with the ninety-four year old dude.”  OR According to the study, 40% of the seventeen-year-olds said they had engaged in sexual intercourse in the past year.  From this we can glean that 38% of seventeen-year-olds lie about their sex lives.

The Supreme Court opened it’s session today with three female judges for the first time in history.  The first hour was filled with dirty looks and uncomfortable silences, as all three women arrived wearing the same black robes.

A recent study say that teen girls who become pregnant after gastric bypass surgery may have an increased risk of pregnancy complications.  Ironically, without the gastric bypass surgery the girls have virtually no shot at getting pregnant.

Robert Edwards of Britain won the 2010 Nobel Prize in medicine on Monday for developing in vitro fertilization.  Edwards said in a recent interview it was the only way half of British men could ever get a women to sort of have sex with them.

October 4th is the day the sitcom "Leave It To Beaver" launched on the CBS Network.  In a related story, it’s also adult film star Valentina Blue’s birthday.

Germany made its final reparations-related payment for World War I on Oct. 3, nearly ninety-two years after the country's defeat by the Allies.  Germany said they would have made the final payment a few years ago, but the mortgage meltdown really hammered their Las Vegas investment properties.

An actor in London was taken to the hospital over the weekend after reported being “shot in the eye” on stage.  Asked for comment, Jenna Jameson replied “Be a professional for crying out loud, wipe it off and finish the scene.”

The liberal “One Nation Working Together” rally has apparently left Washington DC littered with trash, according to those doing the cleanup.  A spokesman for the DC sanitation department did issue a statement saying “As bad as it is now, it was way worse when we had to smell all of those granola munchers.”

The Supreme Court will hear oral argument in the NASA privacy case this week.  It’s expected to take longer than normal, as the younger male judges giggle every time Sonya Sotomayor says “oral.”

Former President Jimmy Carter says he is feeling fine after a recent bout with a stomach virus and “life is back to normal.”  So we can expect Carter to return to his routine of making insane statements,giving random interview for no apparent reason, and being the subject of numerous online “dead or alive?” contests.

Japan joined the US and Britain in issuing travel warnings for Europe today.  China accused Japan of being “posers just trying to hang out with the cool countries,” and suggested they head back over to the math geek lunch table.

A couple aged ninety-one and eighty-two respectively, were banished to their cabin for the final week of a cruise recently after what was described as “an explosive argument” with other passengers.  Unconfirmed reports say the couple was enraged and yelling well past 4:30PM, thereby disturbing other passengers sleep.

Weed dating - a variation on speed dating - takes place on farms in Vermont among rows of sprouting produce. Participants weed a row with a potential romantic interest, then move on to another row and another partner.  Upon hearing this, Lindsay Lohan asked if there are any rehab centers in Vermont.  OR In California, weed dating is known by another name, “Thursday night on Hollywood Boulevard.”

It was announced that the CEO of the new United/Continental Airlines will have a salary of $975,000 plus bonuses.  Another announcement soon followed that upgrades to First Class will now cost $975, 000.

Eva Mendes says that Angelina Jolie makes her want to be a more giving person.  In a related story, Sean Penn says that Gary Busey makes him want to “take my crazy bastard-ness to the next level.”

Iran's president Mahmoud Amhadenijad called for U.S. leaders to be "buried" in response to what he says are American threats of military attack against Tehran's nuclear program.  Gee, do we REALLY not know what Iran’s nuclear intention are, State Department?

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/3

Short day today, home with the fam for the first time in a month.  Back to what passes for normal tomorrow.

China offered on Saturday to buy Greek government bonds when Athens resumes issuing.  All they ask in return is that Greece tell everyone once and for all the proper pronunciation of “gyro.”

The US State Department has warned Americans traveling in Europe to be vigilant of terror attacks.  They also said that if you’re in Asia, be carefree and unobservant.  Finally they said that if you’re in Hawaii, could you bring them back some pineapple barbecue sauce from Dole Plantation?  OR They also said if you’re on the US Ryder Cup team in Europe, put the ball in the frickin’ hole!

The California legislature is set to vote Monday on a new budget for 2011.  On Tuesday, the California legislature is set to vote on “emergency” spending provisions that will far eclipse the so-called budget.

Under a new Post Office rule that takes effect Sunday, if a flat piece of mail that's longer than ten inches droops too much, it will cost more to mail in bulk.  The San Francisco Postmaster General is resisting the rule, saying “Hey, if there’s something longer than ten inches, we’ll make sure it’s not droopy at all.”

Ireland's brief economic upturn showed further signs of petering out on Friday, with the release of weak manufacturing and retail sales data.  Luckily it happened at the start of the weekend, so no one in Ireland will remember it come Monday.

Bank of America Corp has suspended some of its mortgage foreclosures in California.  In a completely and totally I swear not at all related story, I need to make a call to my bank about stopping payment on a certain check.

The male erotic dancer company Chippendales stumbled on Friday when an appeals court ruled that it could not trademark the bow tie and shirt cuffs that the men wear.  The three male judges on the court said they needed more “comparative information,” and sent a subpoena for a “panel of experts” from The Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club.  OR What the judges really wanted to know was how to get women to pay you to wave your willie in their face.

Who Wants Pie?

I'll be on a plane all day today - if I have 100,000 followers by the time I land at LAX tonight, everyone gets...FREE PIE!!!!

Click that follow button over there -------> and pass it along to very important people.  Then GET TO THE CHOPPER!  NOW!!!!