Monday, October 4, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/4

So today it's raining in Los Angeles.  That means it's time to get off our duffs and research what the hell started people calling their hineys "duffs."  It's kind of weird, right?  Not just me thinking that?  Oh, to have you be a follower of my blog!!!!

As always, more of me can be seen at or if you peek through the shower door.
A new study in the Journal Of Sexual Medicine surveyed 5,865 people ranging in age from fourteen to ninety-four about their sexual habits and preferences.  The number one preference?  “Please don’t make me have sex with the ninety-four year old dude.”  OR According to the study, 40% of the seventeen-year-olds said they had engaged in sexual intercourse in the past year.  From this we can glean that 38% of seventeen-year-olds lie about their sex lives.
The Supreme Court opened it’s session today with three female judges for the first time in history.  The first hour was filled with dirty looks and uncomfortable silences, as all three women arrived wearing the same black robes.
A recent study say that teen girls who become pregnant after gastric bypass surgery may have an increased risk of pregnancy complications.  Ironically, without the gastric bypass surgery the girls have virtually no shot at getting pregnant.
Robert Edwards of Britain won the 2010 Nobel Prize in medicine on Monday for developing in vitro fertilization.  Edwards said in a recent interview it was the only way half of British men could ever get a women to sort of have sex with them.
October 4th is the day the sitcom "Leave It To Beaver" launched on the CBS Network.  In a related story, it’s also adult film star Valentina Blue’s birthday.
Germany made its final reparations-related payment for World War I on Oct. 3, nearly ninety-two years after the country's defeat by the Allies.  Germany said they would have made the final payment a few years ago, but the mortgage meltdown really hammered their Las Vegas investment properties.
An actor in London was taken to the hospital over the weekend after reported being “shot in the eye” on stage.  Asked for comment, Jenna Jameson replied “Be a professional for crying out loud, wipe it off and finish the scene.”
The liberal “One Nation Working Together” rally has apparently left Washington DC littered with trash, according to those doing the cleanup.  A spokesman for the DC sanitation department did issue a statement saying “As bad as it is now, it was way worse when we had to smell all of those granola munchers.”
The Supreme Court will hear oral argument in the NASA privacy case this week.  It’s expected to take longer than normal, as the younger male judges giggle every time Sonya Sotomayor says “oral.”
Former President Jimmy Carter says he is feeling fine after a recent bout with a stomach virus and “life is back to normal.”  So we can expect Carter to return to his routine of making insane statements,giving random interview for no apparent reason, and being the subject of numerous online “dead or alive?” contests.
Japan joined the US and Britain in issuing travel warnings for Europe today.  China accused Japan of being “posers just trying to hang out with the cool countries,” and suggested they head back over to the math geek lunch table.
A couple aged ninety-one and eighty-two respectively, were banished to their cabin for the final week of a cruise recently after what was described as “an explosive argument” with other passengers.  Unconfirmed reports say the couple was enraged and yelling well past 4:30PM, thereby disturbing other passengers sleep.
Weed dating - a variation on speed dating - takes place on farms in Vermont among rows of sprouting produce. Participants weed a row with a potential romantic interest, then move on to another row and another partner.  Upon hearing this, Lindsay Lohan asked if there are any rehab centers in Vermont.  OR In California, weed dating is known by another name, “Thursday night on Hollywood Boulevard.”
It was announced that the CEO of the new United/Continental Airlines will have a salary of $975,000 plus bonuses.  Another announcement soon followed that upgrades to First Class will now cost $975, 000.
Eva Mendes says that Angelina Jolie makes her want to be a more giving person.  In a related story, Sean Penn says that Gary Busey makes him want to “take my crazy bastard-ness to the next level.”
Iran's president Mahmoud Amhadenijad called for U.S. leaders to be "buried" in response to what he says are American threats of military attack against Tehran's nuclear program.  Gee, do we REALLY not know what Iran’s nuclear intention are, State Department?

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