Thursday, October 14, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/14

So I’m in Miami for a couple of extra days, thanks to Hurricane Paula.  I just ate a Cuban sandwich the size of a ’57 Buick.  My colon is going to have to do some serious bench pressing to be able to get that one through my system.  My thumb hurts for no apparent reason. Plus, I only got two followers for my proposal of “No Pants Thursday” today, both guys.  It’s a sad day all around.  Luckily it’s nothing that can’t be fixed by a Klondike Bar.  (By “Klondike Bar” I mean girl-on-girl internet action)(But you knew that)
Seriously, no joke: watching those miners get rescued was damn cool.  Good on ya, guys.
See more of me at, or by giving me lily’s.  I’m a sucker for lily’s.
Good news: All of the Chilean miners were rescued safely this week.  Bad news: After seeing a combined fourteen minutes of "Parker-Spitzer" and "The View" on hospital TV's, they took hostages and demanded to be sent back underground.
The University Of Mississippi has chosen a new mascot for it’s sports programs, the “Ole Miss Black Bear” will now roam the sidelines.  Being black in MIssissippi, the bear will naturally not attend night games alone.
Showing that he’s still not ready to walk in Favre’s shoes, today Aaron Rodgers texted a shirtless picture of himself to Barbara Walters.  The guy just doesn’t get it.
Poland's national soccer team on Thursday rejected rumors that manager Franciszek Smuda was resigning.  A team spokesman said the manager, his three brothers, and twelve friends and neighbors had simply gone home to change a light bulb.
A new report says a McDonalds Happy meal resists decomposition for six months.  Then how come I can’t even finish the damn thing and unwrap the toy before sprinting to the crapper? OR This and much more in Al Gore’s new movie “An Inconvenient Poop.” OR Scientists have labeled this “The Pamela Anderson Effect.”
A report has concluded that fraud charges filed against Goldman Sachs were not politically motivated.  A spokesman said “Nope, just your regular everyday middle-school payback, but not politically motivated.”
An adult film actor’s positive HIV test is scaring industry, and the tight-lipped reaction of the clinic that conducted the test isn’t helping.  Those in the porn industry have never seen anything “tight-lipped” and have no idea how to react.  OR The scare has caused the cancellation of many porn shoots, over half of which were scheduled at Vikings practices.
Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had to skip a reception Thursday to honor her eighty-fifth birthday because she was ill with the flu.  My sources say she really just wanted to see the live episode of Thirty Rock.
Stumbling out of a nightclub and walking home barefoot with aching feet after dancing all night in killer heels could be a thing of the past for women, thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes.  In a related story, men not knowing where to find stumbling drunken women at 2AM for a last-ditch shot at a one night stand could be a thing of the past... thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes. OR In a related story, muggers will now know exactly where to find drunken stumbling women at 2AM, thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes.
A new movement of “Green burials” are environmentally friendly and require no coffins or chemicals, simply loved ones being laid to rest in nature.  The Italian side of my family calls this “Takin’ care of that guy.  You know that guy?  Took care of it.” OR Someone remember this for when Cub Scout Troop 487 returns from their camping trip in the area completely traumatized.
Piper Gaffrey scattered some of her ninety-nine year old grandmother’s ashes in a potted violet, her favorite plant.  This weekend her husband accidentally sold the plant at a yard sale.  The purchaser said she knew something was different when the violet started baking cookies and complaining about “that colored President we got.”
Statistics say married people most likely to have an affair are under thirty-four years old.  Uh, yeah - after that age it’s tough to get anyone but your spouse to voluntarily look at you naked. 
Brett Favre says he may sit out a game because of a lingering elbow injury. Favre apparently injured the elbow following his sexual scandal, when his wife started giving him more “alone time.” OR “The tendon is really bad,” said Favre, “Here, let me text you a picture of how long and hard it is...whoops!” 
A soaring bypass bridge high above the Colorado River near Hoover Dam is set to open after nearly eight years and $240 million worth of work.  Local teenagers are excited to have a new place to spit on unsuspecting tourists.  OR The bridge will be officially known as the O’Callaghan-Tillman Bridge, or by Las Vegas mobsters as “The new place where that guy went, you know that guy?”
Two women robbed another woman at gunpoint in Southern California today.  At a speaking engagement nearby, Bill Clinton said “Cool; what were they wearing?”
Serbia says it is facing an increase in political violence, claiming that soccer fans threw flares and fireworks onto the pitch during a championship qualifier match.  I say it could have been politically motivated, or it could have simply been soccer fans on a random Tuesday.
Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked off the set of The View after an argument with Bill O’Reilly, to prove their open-mindedness and tolerance of all viewpoints.  In the two minutes after they left, The View received some of it’s highest ratings ever. 
First lady Michelle Obama has cast her ballot at a polling place on Chicago's South Side.  When asked why, Mrs Obama said “Hey, this is Chicago; you have to start early to vote as many times as we do.”
The Arizona Diamondbacks announced they will give away season tickets next year to poor families in the Phoenix area.  Poor families collectively put out a statement that said “Nah, we’re good.”

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