Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Booger Eating Morons And Various Other People

I’ve been writing angry all day. People who know me will find that odd, since I’m usually a very happy and positive person - I’m above the dirt and breathing, it must be a good day - but it’s true. Today has sucked, not even the teenage runaways I have handcuffed to my radiator cheered me up. (Well, maybe a little)(Briefly) It’s been one of those days where all of the little annoying things have decided to join together and function as one giant annoying thing, kind of an Optimus Prime of Bullshit. It’s probably a good thing that I’ve been trapped in this tiny cabin, alone, with unusually horrible internet access (one of the little things, btw... I think it’s the part near the colon), or else several people around the entertainment industry may have received emails containing words that rhyme with “asshole.” Let it be said that I am moving forward on my own terms, no one else’s. So talk shows, prepare for me to submit writing samples and hound you until I get hired somewhere. Poop jokes are funny, and I’m damn well going to make you see that, or else you’ll get to meet the others on my radiator. For Halloween I’m going as a slutty IT Administrator.

As always, see more of me on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by sneaking up behind me, yanking down my pants, and attempting to avoid getting poked in the eye.

...so for today’s Anger Management, we move on to the jokes...

The remains of a sunken warship recently found in the Mediterranean Sea may confirm the site of a major ancient battle in which Rome trounced Carthage. Despite the crushing defeat, Carthage was still ranked ahead of Boise State in the BCS.

Mexican security forces seized 105 tons of U.S.-bound marijuana on Monday. Proponents of the pot legalization measure on the California ballot are thrilled, since without that much weed people on their side might actually remember to get out and vote.

A real estate broker in Southern California was sentenced to sixty-eight years on prison for perpetrating a $17.5 million fraud. The jury foreman said they settled on that number because every time someone suggested sixty-nine all the men on the panel would giggle uncontrollably.

The Outpost Tavern, which for over two decades served as a popular astronaut hangout in Webster, Texas, was destroyed by a fire Friday night. Local police have a suspect in custody, a green-skinned female from the planet Orgon who claimed she was looking for her baby’s Daddy, some guy named Kirk.

Elton John said recently that today’s songwriters are “Pretty awful.” Reporters then played audio clips of “Nikita” and “Kiss The Bride,” and Sir Elton immediately shut up.

Two members of the US Congress have asked Facebook to explain how applications transmitted information about users to advertising and Web tracking companies in violation of the social network's rules. They also wanted to know if there were any cheat-codes on Mafia Wars and Farmville, and how they could stop people from sending them those stupid cat thingees.

Bill Clinton says that US investment in Northern Ireland can help being about peace. Leading by example, Clinton recently spent two weeks and thousand of dollars at the Belfast School For Girls.

Researchers have identified a gene that may protect some people from alcoholism. Sadly, it is not The Gong Show’s “Gene, Gene, The Dancing Machine.” Because that would be AWESOME!

Astronomers say that a bright comet is “ready for it’s close-up with Earth” this week. No word on whether Mr Demille will film it or not.

Good news: The European Union this week will ban the use of animal cloning for food products. Bad news: Still no ban in Arkansas on the use of animal cloning for sexual partners.

The Chicago Cubs announced they will keep Mike Quade as their manager for next season. Quade says he will rely on his bench coaches for help with game management and roster decisions, as well as advice from Quato on when to turn on the alien atmosphere machine.

The National Football League said Tuesday it would more closely enforce the current rules on flagrant hits. As is their custom, the ACLU called the actual enforcement of existing rules “racist and unfair.”

A new study says that bread was around 30,000 years ago. This brings nearly 20,000 years of inventions into the ongoing “Greatest Things Since Sliced Bread” competition.

President Obama said Tuesday he had no objection to Venezuela developing nuclear power for civilian energy purposes. However he still vehemently opposes the US expanding its nuclear power capabilities to reduce reliance on foreign oil. No joke here, just pointing out more incredible DC hypocrisy.

House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer said he is confident Democrats will retain the majority in November. Hoyer went on to say that it was a lead-pipe cinch that the Dallas Cowboys will make the playoffs.

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