Saturday, October 9, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/9

It’s almost Halloween, which means the now yearly tradition of putting the words “naughty” or “slutty” in front of any job title and calling it a woman’s costume is upon us.  How lazy.  I remember when a costume actually had to be something or someone.  Not that I have anything against naughty or slutty women, you understand.  I’m just sayin’ a little more effort would be nice.  You know, at least be a naughty Boba Fett or a slutty Thelma & Louise.  Send photos.  I have candy.
See more of me at or with my naughty dental hygienist.
A survey in London shows that British citizens over the age of fifty-two are far grumpier than their younger counterparts.  Most of those surveyed said their grumpiness was because everyone younger than fifty-two won’t get off their damn lawn.  OR Hey, if the only person you ever got to see naked was over fifty-two, you’d be a tad grumpy too.
It looks like a pair of astronauts who are twins will finally be in space together.  NASA is preparing for wacky hijinks, wondering if Mr Furley will be able to tell which one is space-walking and which is in Chrissy’s bedroom!  OR Nickelodeon has already announced a new show based on the mission, titled “The Suite Life In Zero Gravity.”
A new study announced - this is the quote, verbatim - that “Weight Loss Programs Work For The Severely Obese.”  Really?  So diet and exercise help people lose weight better than Kit-Kat’s and Slurpees?  With this kind of smart tax dollar allocation, I can’t IMAGINE why we’re so far in debt.
In an attempt to prevent prescription drug abuse, U.S. medical agencies are asking consumers to dispose of any unused medications.  Upon hearing about the initiative, Lindsay Lohan asked “What’s an unused medication?”
Jerry Brown says that he sees himself as a regular guy who buys his suits on sale, drives around in a Ford Crown Victoria and enjoys dinner at home with his wife.  Governor Moonbeam also says that after spaghetti with “mushroom sauce” he sometimes sees himself as a big purple alligator with wings, then wakes up naked on the beach.  
Brett Favre stated he wants to concentrate on the Vikings upcoming game rather than the sexual allegations that arose this week.  When a reporter asked how he plans to approach the game, Favre replied “Same as always, 100% balls out.”
A new study says that men sweat far more than women.  Well ladies, if you knew some of the things we did when you weren’t looking, you’d be sweating too.
Facebook co-founder Sean Parker has given $170,000 to back California’s marijuana legalization proposal.  Asked for comment the following morning, Parker replied “That was real?  Duuuuuuuuude!!!” 
A 650-foot ferry is on fire in the Baltic Sea after an explosion on the upper deck, and firefighting ships are struggling to keep it from breaking apart and spilling 170 tons of fuel.  MSNBC said this is yet another indisputable consequence of the Bush tax cuts.
President Obama will fly to India two days after the midterm elections, leading some to conclude he's avoiding the fallout from a "Democratic bloodbath."  I think he’s going there to recover some American jobs.
Alaska Wildlife authorities say that a growing number of black bears are roaming the state, chowing down on too many caribou and moose and leaving too few for humans to eat.  In a related story, Sarah Palin has cancelled her next week’s worth of speeches and rented a helicopter.  Look out, bears.
Christine O’Donell has not yet announced whether she will support Mitch McConnell for Majority leader if Republicans win back the Senate.  O’Donell said “I need to go home and spend some time stirring the cauldron...I mean thinking.”
Europe's highest court ruled recently that fathers are entitled to "breastfeeding leave."  During the recent Ryder Cup, Welsh authorities apparently had to tell Tiger Woods that “No, the breasts have to be used to feed the baby, not the father.”
Tens of thousands of people are taking to the streets of Stuttgart to protest a disputed railway project in southwestern Germany.  To be on the safe side, France surrendered.
Good news: President Obama lifted some travel restrictions for Americans to Cuba.  Bad news: He then named Hyman Roth Director Of American-Cuban relations.  He didn’t ask who gave the order.
I like New York in June, especially the muggings and that overwhelming pee smell.  How about you?
Give me Liberty or give me cheese.
One if by land, two if by Japanese tour bus.

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