Monday, October 18, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/18

Two weeks from tomorrow American will vote in the mid-term elections, and you know what that means.  That’s right, until then we get to hear all of our friends who are the LEAST politically informed and MOST closed-minded yell at us from their internet soapboxes about how informed and open-minded they are, then scream obscenities and hurl derision at anyone who has the audacity to even consider disagreeing with them on even the smallest point.  You know, because a Facebook post of a Tweet that involves the words “Nazi-assed bitches” and “muthafuckas” will probably get me to see your point of view.  You go, activists!  Shout and throw crap through glass windows, that’ll get people to listen to you!  For Halloween I’m going as a slutty bio-chemist.
As always, see more of me on my website at, or by forcing me at knifepoint to remove my pants.  Which actually sounds kind of hot.  (Safety word is Fahrvergnugen)
...on to the jokey jokes...
A re-styled Elvis Presley album is being released later this year featuring newer, more contemporary takes on many of his hits.  Tupac released a statement saying “One album since he died?  Amateur.  Call me when he gets to twelve.”
A New York jury was asked to decide who may have lied in a case involving Citigroup and music company EMI in 2007.  It took the jury less than four minutes to unanimously declare “All the Lawyers did.”
Meghan McCain said on Sunday that Christine O'Donnell is "a nut job."  In a related story, McCain is changing her name to “Kettle.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel said over the weekend that her country’s attempt to create a multi-cultural society has failed completely.  Therefore, the three black guys and nine Jews that live there will have to move immediately.
New research finds that a substantial portion of obese people don't think they're too fat and see no reason to lose weight.  Most of these are middle-aged men who can be found on the pool deck in a speedo.
Medical professionals have released a report titled “The Problem With Phthalates.”  Trekkies who have seen it say it’s a terrible follow-up to “The Trouble With Tribbles.”
Heavy rains in central Vietnam continue to cause heavy flooding and damage homes in the area. Many are reported missing in the floods, with Sly Stallone reportedly telling CIA headquarters “You know there’s more men out there.  You know where they are.  Find them, or I’ll find you.” OR In a not-at-all appropriate report, Al Roker said “The weather over there has been bookoo dinky-dau.”
Honorary college diploma’s are being awarded to Japanese-Americans who were interned in camps during World War II.  Upon hearing the news, Rush Limbaugh remarked “Damned race-based admission is OUT of control.”
President Obama is scheduled to appear on the TV show “Mythbusters.”  The myth they’re busting: “I’m in any way different from any other scumbag politician.” OR “Hope and Change” are actually real.”
New CPR guidelines are telling rescuers to start with hard, fast chest presses before giving mouth-to-mouth.  Unless the victim is female, in which case you start with “Pretend to be interested in her day,” then maybe mouth-to-mouth, then Sambuca and  MAAAAYBE something involving the words hard and fast.
Today is Global Handwashing Day.  Waffle House diners are being forced into a tough decision, asking themselves: “Is anything in that sink cleaner than my pee?”  OR French men are grumbling but saying “Hey, it’s only once a year.”
Prosecutors told jurors today that a woman who tied her husband to the bed, stabbed him 193 times and buried his body in the backyard is lying when she claims she did so after years of abuse.  “They were married,” said the lead attorney, “She could have stabbed him that many times for checking out her sisters boobs.”
According to trial testimony, a man caught trying to blow up a Dallas skyscraper was depressed and slept by his mother's grave after her death four years ago.  A mama’s boy with no job and violent tendencies - self-hating women in Hollywood are lining UP to date this guy. 
A new report says that online voting is becoming more and more popular, but some are questioning the safety of the method.  You know, unlike regular voting which is just bulletproof, and in no way can ever be defrauded.  
Bridges and ropes have been put in place over large gorges in Borneo, to help male Orangutans meet potential female partners.  Meanwhile, overly hairy males in America still have to try and meet females in bars or on
An animal-rights group that opposes the use of hunters to cut the deer population in Valley Forge National Historical Park wants officials to consider using coyotes instead.  The group says that once the coyotes have done their duty, THEN the hunters can come in and take them out.
Netflix has introduced a no-disc version of it’s watch on demand feature for movies on the Wii and other game players.  Thank God, now people don’t have to drag their fat asses of the couch and walk three feet to watch old episodes of Will & Grace.
Bad news: The strongest cyclone in years hit the Philippines today, leaving a wasteland of fallen trees, upended power poles, and demolished homes.  Good news: American Airlines just launched a three-day sale to the Philippines!

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