The baseball playoffs are in full swing, and you know what that means. Yes, very soon we’re going to hear aging Baby Boomer sportscasters lamenting about how they “snuck their handheld radios into school to listen to the games” when they were kids. No one cares, guys. While you were huddled around a static filled radio, some of us were off getting your girlfriend to go to second base. (Second base is holding hands in public, right? Yeah baybee, I was a STUD) My point is this; real baseball fans will watch the playoffs and the World Series no matter what time the games start, so shut yer pie holes. Oh, and for Halloween I’ve decided I’m going as a slutty shortstop.
As always, see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by simply asking me to show you more.
Denny’s has announced the opening of a new fast-food style restaurant in Southern California. Just the thing for those who don’t have time to sit and wait forty-five minutes to get rabid indigestion and heartburn.
More than twelve million people now subscribe to the online game “World Of Warcraft.” Or as it’s also known, “The Involuntary Abstinence Program.”
A driller from Denver has become a hero in the rescue of the trapped Chilean miners. I don’t have a joke here, I just think that would be a great name for a porno star: “The Driller From Denver stars in ‘Back Door To The Future.’”
Scientists have found genes that appear to play a role in the propensity for obesity. The biggest suspected culprit is the “Six Twinkies A Day On The Couch” gene.
Obese workers cost the US nearly $73 billion per year in health care and related costs, according to a new study. Some say that evens out though, as those same workers put nearly $200 billion a year into the economy buying ice cream and muumuu’s.
Queen Elizabeth on Monday officially named a new British cruise ship after herself. Officials from the Cunard line were upset later, saying “It was supposed to be called ‘The Cunard Sunship’, she renamed it on her own. She’s the queen, what can we do?”
President Obama today announced a new $50 billion transportation proposal. The President said “I have listened to the American people and they have made their voices clear; they definitely want more large governmental spending programs like this.”
Banks in Britain have been accused of money-laundering after they handled millions of dollars for two Nigerian ex-governors accused of corruption. In their defense, bank officials say they thought they were helping a former Nigerian royal family member get money from a frozen trust fund.
Published reports say that former Sen. Lincoln Chafee's independent campaign for Rhode Island governor owes $8 in unpaid federal income taxes. Chafee’s opponents reportedly paid private investigators nearly $50,000 to dig up this dirt. Yaaaaay federal government... OR Speaking on the matter, Chafee said “Really? That’s all you’ve got? Man, I was afraid you’d found the pictures of me with that underage Cambodian hooker. I mean....uuh..I’m not a witch!”
A new study says that hiding the TV remote and games console controller is a good way to limit the time kids spend in front of a screen. Another option would be actual parenting. I’m just sayin’.
Google says the company is road-testing cars that steer, stop and start without a human driver. Mercedes plans to release a model with the new technology, which will allow shallow women to have sex directly in the only reason they’re attracted to geeky rich guys. OR Google’s research and development on the project is being co-funded by large grants from Anheiser-Busch and Jack Daniels. OR If successful, the new cars will allow Hollywood producers to exchange their casting couches for casting Cadillac’s.
Virgin Galactic’s space-tourism rocket made it’s first solo glide flight recently, leading to hope that private citizens will be able to make space trips soon. Reportedly, a trip will cost around $10,000, or $50,000 if you want to buy you ex-wife a “one way ticket.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger and a host of prospective investors from Silicon Valley are visiting Russia this week to research tech investment opportunities. Apparently it’s pure coincidence that shortly following Ahnold’s landing, three chemical labs and a secret weapons depot exploded, and that he ended his first speech by yelling “Get to the chopper! Noowwwww!!!” OR Schwarzenegger said Russia is a "gold mine" for foreign investors, but some of the U.S. high-tech executives remain wary about doing business in the corruption-plagued economy. You know, because doing business in our own corruption-plagued economy has gone so smoothly lately.
George Michael said he wants to "start again" after his release from a stint in prison for DUI. He then said he was headed to Lindsay Lohan’s house, but he had to “make a quick stop at a rest area bathroom first.”
LA Doctors are being told to be on the lookout for the “Botox Bandits,” who receive treatment and never pay. They are described as women with a twenty-five year old face and a forty year old body, who coolly go about their business showing no facial emotion whatsoever.
Bravo Sports announced Thursday the recall of about 160,000 trampolines. Bravo has received 247 reports of top rails bending or breaking during use, with 212 of those reports coming directly from Tiger Woods’ bedroom.
Johnny Depp is being lauded for a surprise visit he made to a school in his Pirate costume recently. Oh sure, when he goes to an elementary school dressed like a Pirate it he gets “lauded,” when I do it I get cited for “probation violation.” Stupid celebrity double standard.
A new program to fight Dengue Fever in Asia calls for genetically engineered male mosquitoes to be released into the wild to mate with females and produce offspring that live shorter lives, thus curbing the population. Unconfirmed reports say the US Government is attempting to copy the program, but with genetically modified redneck human males to be released into Wal-Mart’s.
A University Of North Carolina star defensive tackle was kicked off the football team Monday, and two other players were declared permanently ineligible. Uhh, what’s the difference between “kicked off the team” and “permanently ineligible?”
A study says that California spent nearly half a billion dollars on college freshmen who later dropped out. Of course, the study was done by people who went to California schools, so the actual amount could be like fifty bucks.
Candidate Kendrick Meek says he won’t quit the Florida Senate race. He says he’d like to win, but even if he doesn’t he has a “big inheritance” coming.
The recent jump in the number of whale deaths is being blamed on an increase in the number of Krill and far more ship traffic. Oh, and Rick Sanchez says it’s also partly the Jews fault. OR Joe Biden is also trying to blame it on the Bush tax cuts.
Scientists say people should be more worried about smaller space rocks that explode in our atmosphere, and should forget Bruce Willis wrestling with huge space rocks threatening to doom Earth in "Armageddon." Yeah, no worries; people forgot “Armageddon” looooong ago.
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said Monday that he does not discriminate against gays, and would have no problem hiring them in his administration. “Hey,” said Paladino “We’re going to need interior decorators, right?”
OR
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said recently that children should not be "brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option." He’s right, it’s not equally valid - gay couples can’t get married.
A lobby group says politicians are involved in the trade of human albino body parts in Africa. Apparently they’re collecting all of the extra-white body parts except for the penis. You know, for obvious reasons.
The Commonwealth Games in India have used wildlife to spice up the crowds, with monkeys at the cycling, bugs at the tennis and birds of prey at the hockey. This is completely different from America, where wild animals that may or may not fling their own poo are only found in the stands at professional wrestling events.
A University Of Georgia running back has become the school's 11th football player to be arrested this year. Reportedly, the Cincinnati Bengals are frothing at the mouth to draft all eleven. OR The Bulldogs are now only six arrests away form the record held by the 1986 Miami Hurricanes, although some are saying if they break the record there should be an asterisk; this is the steroid era, after all.
Sources estimate that Nancy Pelosi is spending as many as seventeen hours a day raising money and campaigning for fellow Democrats. That’s a wise use of The Speaker’s time, since the country is running so smoothly.
A woman accused of abusing teenagers at Oprah Winfrey's school for girls in South Africa was acquitted of the charges, and Winfrey said she was "profoundly disappointed" by the trial's outcome. Most disappointing was the fact that Oprah had already given every member of the magistrate’s board a free Prius and a trip to Australia.
*THREE BAD...BAND NAMES*
Gargamel And The Smurf Killers
Uncoordinated Dufus Brigade
MegaSnot
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