Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Velveeta In The Buttcrack

So flaming buttcrack Mexico was everything I envisioned and more.  Although I must say that of all the places I thought I’d get nachos with Velveeta, that was not one of them.  I am not kidding, Velveeta.  At “Jerry’s Mexican & Kosher Deli” in Cleveland, I wouldn’t be surprised; heck, I’d expect it there; but in Mexico?  Bite me.  Then to finish the trip off in fashion, Aeromexico destroyed my luggage.  Ripped the handle clean off.  Gracias, bitch.  Speaking of bitches, LeBitch James started his season as Dwayne Wade’s sidekick, chauffeur, and testicle wrangler today.  When the big injury to two of them comes - and it will - we will all giggle heartily.  Some of you don’t think you will, but you will.  For Halloween I’m going as a slutty barista.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or on the security tapes from the flaming buttcrack Mexico airport mens room.

***BY THE WAY*** There have been 19 visitors to the blog from Djibouti this week; I'm assuming they're from some of my friends in the military stationed there.  Welcome aboard and THANK YOU to all of you in uniform out there!  I'll be back to tell you more poop jokes sometime, I promise!
...da jokes is now...
Charlie Sheen had a drug-crazed episode in a hotel room.  Brett Favre was in the news.  The sun rose in the east.  Yada yada yada.
Hurricane strength tornadoes in the midwest.  Tsunami’s in Indonesia.  Man, who would have thought Southern California would be the calmest place on the planet?
35,000 people congregated on the campus of Ohio State University last week and roared as President Obama appeared.  However, over 34,000 left when they realized Obama wasn’t there simply to introduce Archie Griffin and the Neutron Man.
BMW has issued recalls for over 150,000 vehicles.  Apparently it was discovered that they in fact do NOT make your penis bigger.
The Jerry Springer Show celebrates its 20th season on the air this Wednesday.  So unlike the Mayans, we here in America can pinpoint the exact date of the end of the Earth.
An Australian man, who has been collecting his belly-button lint every night since 1984 and keeping it in several jars, is now in the Guinness Book Of World Records.  The jars apparently sit on the desolately empty side of his bed where a woman would normally sleep.  OR  Hey married girls, your husbands socks on the floor aren’t looking so bad now, are they?
A new Air Force manual for cyberwarfare describes a shadowy world where anonymous enemies can carry out devastating attacks in seconds and where conventional ideas about time and space don't apply.  The new manual is called “Cousin Eddie And The Hollywood Star Whackers.”
The attorney for “hiccup girl” says she may use the “Tourette’s” defense in her murder trial.  Well, actually he said “My client is considering HEY GO FUCK YOURSELF FUCK SHIT FUCKITY COCK FUCK!”  OR He says they also considered the Prevent Defense, as well as the 2-3 matchup zone, before settling on Tourette’s.
Christine O’Donnell Of The East said recently that she believes prayer has helped raise her polling numbers.  I have nothing against prayer but she’s still down thirteen points.  Might want to try giving Buddha a jingle.  I mean, it can’t hurt, right?  OR If she really wanted to raise poles, she should have done a GQ photo shoot like the chicks from Glee.
The publisher of a Virginia textbook is printing revised editions to correct a passage that wrongly claims thousands of black troops fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War.  Virginia officials say they are unsure how the book, “The Life And Times Of Jimmy The Greek,” got into a classroom in the first place.  
“The Daily Show” host Jon Stewart was voted the most influential man of 2010 by AskMen.com readers.  Frightening as this may be, it’s even scarier when you see that 2nd most influential was Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.  OR Of course, Stewart fell to a distant 2nd when AskMen.com included “boobs” as one of the poll choices.
Paul the octopus, who correctly predicted the winners of this years World Cup, has passed away.  Apparently even octopus’s are bored to death by soccer.  (Fully prepared for the blowback from my European friends on this one.)
Just over half of private small company executives expect employees to steal something of value within the next year.  So you have about a 49% chance of getting a free stapler!  OR This proves one thing: Just over half of private small company executives have been paying attention.
The city of Detroit, Oregon may change its name in an attempt to attract more tourists.  Some of the names town officials are considering are “Cash Laying Around Town, “Free Weed-Burg,” and “Orgasm-ville.”
Environmental group WWF published a report saying that previously unknown species are being discovered in the Amazon rainforest at a rate of one every three days.  Some are skeptical, as many of the “newly discovered” species look like frogs or cows wearing Groucho Marx glasses.  OR Sadly, many of the new species are immediately destroyed in a WWF steel-cage death match.
Less than halfway through his first term, President Barack Obama has appointed more openly gay officials than any other president in history.  Not surprisingly, the White House drapes and duvets are FABULOUS!
Food Network star Paula Deen has been named grand marshal of the 2011 Rose Parade.  Consequently all parade floats must now be deep fried and dipped in butter. 

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