I ate lunch at Taco Bell today. At the moment I can’t recall exactly why I was so angry at my colon, but apparently I was. Anyway, while I was there I saw the ad for that drive-thru diet they’re touting. All I know is this, I’d better not see any lawsuits down the road from people who claim the Taco Bell drive-thru diet made them fat, or gave them gallstones, or diphtheria, or the staggers, or uncontrollable hair-bleeding or whatever. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re stupid enough to believe that eating at the BellBell can make you lose weight, you deserve whatever third-world malady, unexplainable genital smell, or space-tick infestation you get. I never thought I’d say this, but if you’re that stupid, PLEASE don’t send nude or semi-nude photos. Not of you, anyway. Maybe if you have a hot neighbor or sister or something. This Halloween I’m going as a slutty novelist.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by peeking while the TSA pulls me aside and stripsearches me tomorrow.
Scientists have discovered a new species of fish living 4 1/2 miles below the surface of the ocean. The biggest difference in the new fish is that they smell like penises.
NATO-led forces facilitated the safe passage of a senior Taliban commander to Kabul for talks with the Afghan government. Explaining why, David Petraus said “Well, he did call time out and no-shootsies.”
Bad news: Bill O’Reilly got in an argument on The View, causing two of the hosts to leave their own show. Good news: O’Reilly has booked appearances on Parker-Spitzer, Hannity, and Blues Clues.
Bad news: The average teen sends over 3,000 texts every month. Good news: That’s cut teen masturbation by nearly 50%.
People in the Chelsea district of Manhattan reported seeing UFO’s over the New York skyline last night. Of course, this was during a party at Tatum O’Neal’s place, so they also reported seeing giant purple crocodiles in lederhosen. OR Authorities later revealed it was simply Trump’s hairpiece caught in the wind.
Liverpool says the soccer club has been sold to the owners of the Boston Red Sox. Joyous Liverpool fans have been snapping up t-shirts that read “Only 86 Years To A Championship!”
The NBA players association is planning legal action over the league's decision to issue more technical fouls for complaining. If that doesn’t work, the Union is prepared to send Gilbert Arenas after the refs.
Mike Tyson said he plans to be a boxing ambassador in China. He will also be a special envoy of marital relations, and the third undersecretary of ear biting.
The Rose Bowl in Pasadena will undergo a $152 million facelift. Apparently The Staples Center talked it out of also getting the $100 million boob job. OR That’s slightly less costly than Nancy Pelosi’s eye tuck. OR Sad to see even a stadium has “gone Hollywood.”
A New Jersey car dealer will keep his promise to give Florida Pastor Terry Jones a free car, for not burning the Quran. What he didn’t say was that Snooki is in the back seat. Bet he wishes he’d taken his chances with the terrorists now.
California National Organization of Women President Parry Bellasalma called Meg Whitman “a whore” and gave an endorsement to Jerry Brown. NOW immediately pulled the endorsement when Brown said “Hey, thanks toots! Wanna grab me some coffee?”
Paramount Pictures is in discussions to make Top Gun Two. After nearly twenty-five years, Maverick says he feels the need; the need to drive 52MPH in the left hand lane. OR Sorry ladies, instead of beach volleyball, Mav & Goose take on Slider & ice in a ping-pong match at their assisted-living center.
Four miners in Ecuador are trapped after their mine collapsed, stealing the Chilean miners story. Hey, anyone happen to know if Carlos Mencia is in Ecuador by any chance?
President Obama is calling for a $250 rebate check for seniors who will not receive a cost-of-living increase in Social Security payments in 2011. Only by Washington DC math can $250 compensate for over $2,000 in lost income. Next he’ll want to replace the seven course dinner on cruise ships with a “fun-sized” packet of Skittles.
The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing, after thirty-one years. Now if people want to see the flashy costumes and garish antiques of a flamboyantly gay man, they’ll have to watch the Wendy Williams show.
Keith Richards says in his new autobiography that Mick Jagger became unbearable over the years and reveals he also calls the imperious lead singer "Your Majesty.” Jagger has countered by saying “Bollocks. Keith was so schnockered he actually thought I was the Queen.” OR Jagger responded “Keith must have been on coke that day, he always calls me ‘Your Majesty’ when he’s on coke. Had he been on mushrooms he’d have called me ‘Hong Kong Phooey.’”