Friday, October 29, 2010

You're Not NEARLY That Cool, My Friend

Dear Guy Skinnier Than Kate Moss But Still Wearing A Tank Top, Porkpie Hat, And Sunglasses Inside At Night,
You’re a total douche.
See more of me at, or at the weekly meeting of the SoCal Streakers Club.’s jokes best read on an empty stomach and with no pants...
Morocco has suspended the operations of the Al-Jazeera television news channel in Rabat and withdrawn the accreditations of its staff.  Somehow, the far more horrible Style Network is still in operation there.
Several Italian surgeons were sentenced to jail for performing numerous unnecessary surgeries on unsuspecting patients.  For the next six to ten years, they’ll get to perform numerous veeeerrry necessary rectal penis-ectomies.  Bon Voyage, jackweeds.
Bad news: Seventy-seven current delegates to the Navajo Nation Tribal Council are charged with offenses including theft and fraud in the use of tribal funds.  Good news: The Navajo Casino announced two-for-one Giant Shrimp Cocktails!!!
A new study says that factors other than low testosterone can cause male sexual problems, including erectile dysfunction.  Among the other problems listed are nagging, flannel nightgowns, and spotty internet connection speeds.
Kendrick Meek has denied that he will drop out of the Florida Senate race.  However, Meek was vague when asked if he still planned to inherit the Earth.
The Social Security numbers, grades and other personal information of more than 40,000 former University of Hawaii students were posted online earlier this year and not removed until this week.  Worst of all, nearly 20,000 were rated poorly on Karen Owen’s power-point presentation at Duke.
The Chief White House Photographer has released a list of his favorite shots of the President.  Not surprisingly, the top three were “Obama and the Swedish Bikini Team (*Not pictured: Obama)” “Barack and the National College Cheerleading Champions (*Not pictured: Barack)” and “Mr. President & MIss October (*Not pictured: Mr President).”
Verizon has agreed to pay a $25 million fine for “spurious fees” it charged to consumers over the past few years.  Verizon also announced a $1.99/month new “Spurious Fees Fee” for all new accounts.
Makeup giant Estee Lauder saw their net income rise an unexpected 36%.  In a related story, magazine readers reported a 36% increase in “nailable chicks” at bars.
A new study in Japan finds that Green Tea does not offer protection from breast cancer.   The study also says Green Tea does not offer protection from Mothra or Godzilla.
Delaware Senate candidate Chris Coons has strongly condemned the article about Christine O’Donnell, calling it “cowardly.”  Coons went on to say “I can be this gracious because I’m thirteen points ahead.”
Justin Beiber will premiere his new music video during Game Three of The World Series.  In other words, Game Three will be the lowest rated World Series game ever.
After a security threat on an airliner, officials are examining “suspicious packages” in the US.  So far they’ve examined Russell Brand and Ron Jeremy, and are reportedly en route to Tiger Woods’ house.
Good news: Authorities have thwarted a terrorist plot involving suspicious packages of ink toner being shipped from Yemen aboard cargo planes.  Bad news: I can no longer order my inexpensive Yemeni ink toner online.
North and South Korea exchanged gunfire across their heavily armed land border on Friday, raising tension in the region.  Even worse, over 1,000 orders of MuShu Pork were delivered late, causing refunds and discounts that could cripple both economies.
An Amtrak train has struck a pedestrian in Anaheim, CA.  The news shocked the local community, who were apparently unaware Amtrak is still in operation.
Iran announced it is ready to hold its first talks with world powers about its disputed nuclear program any time after November 10.  It also announced it will test-fire its first nuclear missile November 9.
A huge hole tore open the fuselage of a commercial airliner shortly after taking off from Miami.  Why Courtney Love was so angry, and what caused her to direct her violence at the fuselage, is a mystery.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's spokesman sent a birthday greeting to the president of Iran.  The president was disappointed she didn’t follow Bill’s advice to get him a stripper-gram.
Scientists say countries around the world must team up to help prevent an asteroid from slamming into Earth.  The also say we must work together to prevent attacks by giant Centipedes and crazy barrel-wielding monkeys.
BREAKING NEWS: A John Lennon coin is being minted in the UK, and competing prison gangs are using the coins to buy and sell Mark David Chapman as a prison bitch.   Initial reports say Jodie Foster is extremely impressed.
Randy Travis and his wife-manager Elizabeth Travis have divorced.  Apparently old women no longer sit and talk about old men. Amen.
Houston Texans owner Bob McNair ordered a sweep of the locker room to make sure none of his players are using banned substances.  No substances were discovered, but they did find a bunch of Hustler’s, three Thai “massage therapists,” and a fifty-five gallon drum of Astro-Glide.  OR No substances were found, but they did find twelve illegal immigrants living in one of the unused lockers.
Brett Favre is listed as questionable for Sunday.  For Saturday and Monday, Favre is listed as selfish and completely batshit crazy.
The Motley Fool has released a list of five ways to save time and money on holiday shopping this year.  Not on the list is my #1 tip: On November 4, call all of your family and friends vulgar names.  Then you don’t have to buy them anything.

No comments:

Post a Comment