Friday, August 5, 2011

Sea Turtles And Crazy Tans

I mentioned recently that I’ve been receiving blog visitors referred from links in the Montel Williams Wikipedia site, and that this concerned me.  I want to make it clear that I have nothing against Montel Williams, Wikipedia, or their respective attorneys who have in no way contacted me with legal documents containing offers that I couldn’t refuse. (Nor would the fine firm of Luka, Brazzi & Corleone ever do such a thing! Ha ha! Ridiculous! I’m not nervous and sweaty!)  Anyway, Mr. Williams and Mr. Pedia are in no way the target of any of my whimsical barbs.  Just so that’s clear and concise, in a completely friendly and non-libelous way that allows my thumbs to remain intact.
I’m simply concerned about the referral links because A) With his page having a noticeable lack of flatulence references, I have no idea what we have in common that connects Montel & I, B) I can’t locate the actual link that is sending people to my joke blog, and C) ”Montel & I” sounds like an overly dramatic, poorly written indie film or after school special, involving some sort of family tension or rehab-induced self-awakening journey; the kind that makes aromatic people who are lounging in coffee shops at 10AM on a Tuesday have deep, earnest conversations about the importance of focusing your life.  With all that in mind, you can certainly understand why I’d want this investigated.  I mean, is my joke blog special, or are all joke blogs connected to random celebrity Wikipedia pages?  If so, why?  Does it have something to do with Global Warming, Tom Brady or possibly even the Chaos Theory?  Also, of all the celebrities out there, why Montel Williams?  Why not Ryan Seacrest or John Stewart, or even (dare I say it?) basketball legend Granville Waiters?  Would my personal celebrity link change if I made fewer gas jokes, and more about Barney Frank or Dancing With The Stars?  With so many legitimate and not at all random questions swirling, I put on my Detective hat and did some sleuthing. (I also put on my Detective socks and my Meter Maid pashmina, just FYI)
I tried the direct approach first, contacting Montel Williams directly.  His response was a rather predictable “I’m not THAT Montel Williams, he probably lives in Hollywood or something, now please stop calling my home.”  Stymied, I’ve resorted to the only remaining means of contacting The Big Montel, namely posting random Facebook updates and blogging about him, then heading off to drink beer and watch TV while hoping he notices. (I wonder if “Montel & I” will be nominated for a Daytime Emmy?)  Since I know all celebrities militantly monitor their social media pages, it’s only a matter of time before Montel sees this and invites me to his house, so we can discuss the matter over finger sandwiches and Bugles.  Perhaps even some of those cocktail wieners with the BBQ sauce.  At any rate, I’ve done all I can.  It’s out of my hands now.
If you have any other ideas on solving this mystery, please let me know either here or via Wikipedia.  Preferably through the William Shatner page.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... joking along, singing a song ...
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