Daily Monologue Jokes 10/15

I ate lunch at Taco Bell today.  At the moment I can’t recall exactly why I was so angry at my colon, but apparently I was.  Anyway, while I was there I saw the ad for that drive-thru diet they’re touting.  All I know is this, I’d better not see any lawsuits down the road from people who claim the Taco Bell drive-thru diet made them fat, or gave them gallstones, or diphtheria, or the staggers, or uncontrollable hair-bleeding or whatever.  As far as I’m concerned, if you’re stupid enough to believe that eating at the BellBell can make you lose weight, you deserve whatever third-world malady, unexplainable genital smell, or space-tick infestation you get.  I never thought I’d say this, but if you’re that stupid, PLEASE don’t send nude or semi-nude photos.  Not of you, anyway.  Maybe if you have a hot neighbor or sister or something.  This Halloween I’m going as a slutty novelist.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by peeking while the TSA pulls me aside and stripsearches me tomorrow.

Scientists have discovered a new species of fish living 4 1/2 miles below the surface of the ocean.  The biggest difference in the new fish is that they smell like penises.

NATO-led forces facilitated the safe passage of a senior Taliban commander to Kabul for talks with the Afghan government.  Explaining why, David Petraus said “Well, he did call time out and no-shootsies.”

Bad news: Bill O’Reilly got in an argument on The View, causing two of the hosts to leave their own show.  Good news: O’Reilly has booked appearances on Parker-Spitzer, Hannity, and Blues Clues.

Bad news: The average teen sends over 3,000 texts every month.  Good news: That’s cut teen masturbation by nearly 50%.

People in the Chelsea district of Manhattan reported seeing UFO’s over the New York skyline last night.  Of course, this was during a party at Tatum O’Neal’s place, so they also reported seeing giant purple crocodiles in lederhosen.  OR Authorities later revealed it was simply Trump’s hairpiece caught in the wind.

Liverpool says the soccer club has been sold to the owners of the Boston Red Sox.  Joyous Liverpool fans have been snapping up t-shirts that read “Only 86 Years To A Championship!”

The NBA players association is planning legal action over the league's decision to issue more technical fouls for complaining.  If that doesn’t work, the Union is prepared to send Gilbert Arenas after the refs.

Mike Tyson said he plans to be a boxing ambassador in China.  He will also be a special envoy of marital relations, and the third undersecretary of ear biting.  

The Rose Bowl in Pasadena will undergo a $152 million facelift.  Apparently The Staples Center talked it out of also getting the $100 million boob job.  OR That’s slightly less costly than Nancy Pelosi’s eye tuck.  OR Sad to see even a stadium has “gone Hollywood.”

A New Jersey car dealer will keep his promise to give Florida Pastor Terry Jones a free car, for not burning the Quran.  What he didn’t say was that Snooki is in the back seat.  Bet he wishes he’d taken his chances with the terrorists now.

California National Organization of Women President Parry Bellasalma called Meg Whitman “a whore” and gave an endorsement to Jerry Brown.  NOW immediately pulled the endorsement when Brown said “Hey, thanks toots!  Wanna grab me some coffee?”

Paramount Pictures is in discussions to make Top Gun Two.  After nearly twenty-five years, Maverick says he feels the need; the need to drive 52MPH in the left hand lane. OR Sorry ladies, instead of beach volleyball, Mav & Goose take on Slider & ice in a ping-pong match at their assisted-living center.

Four miners in Ecuador are trapped after their mine collapsed, stealing the Chilean miners story.  Hey, anyone happen to know if Carlos Mencia is in Ecuador by any chance?

President Obama is calling for a $250 rebate check for seniors who will not receive a cost-of-living increase in Social Security payments in 2011.  Only by Washington DC math can $250 compensate for over $2,000 in lost income.  Next he’ll want to replace the seven course dinner on cruise ships with a “fun-sized” packet of Skittles.

The Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing, after thirty-one years.  Now if people want to see the flashy costumes and garish antiques of a flamboyantly gay man, they’ll have to watch the Wendy Williams show.

Keith Richards says in his new autobiography that Mick Jagger became unbearable over the years and reveals he also calls the imperious lead singer "Your Majesty.”  Jagger has countered by saying “Bollocks.  Keith was so schnockered he actually thought I was the Queen.” OR Jagger responded “Keith must have been on coke that day, he always calls me ‘Your Majesty’ when he’s on coke.  Had he been on mushrooms he’d have called me ‘Hong Kong Phooey.’”

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/14

So I’m in Miami for a couple of extra days, thanks to Hurricane Paula.  I just ate a Cuban sandwich the size of a ’57 Buick.  My colon is going to have to do some serious bench pressing to be able to get that one through my system.  My thumb hurts for no apparent reason. Plus, I only got two followers for my proposal of “No Pants Thursday” today, both guys.  It’s a sad day all around.  Luckily it’s nothing that can’t be fixed by a Klondike Bar.  (By “Klondike Bar” I mean girl-on-girl internet action)(But you knew that)

Seriously, no joke: watching those miners get rescued was damn cool.  Good on ya, guys.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by giving me lily’s.  I’m a sucker for lily’s.

Good news: All of the Chilean miners were rescued safely this week.  Bad news: After seeing a combined fourteen minutes of "Parker-Spitzer" and "The View" on hospital TV's, they took hostages and demanded to be sent back underground.

The University Of Mississippi has chosen a new mascot for it’s sports programs, the “Ole Miss Black Bear” will now roam the sidelines.  Being black in MIssissippi, the bear will naturally not attend night games alone.

Showing that he’s still not ready to walk in Favre’s shoes, today Aaron Rodgers texted a shirtless picture of himself to Barbara Walters.  The guy just doesn’t get it.

Poland's national soccer team on Thursday rejected rumors that manager Franciszek Smuda was resigning.  A team spokesman said the manager, his three brothers, and twelve friends and neighbors had simply gone home to change a light bulb.

A new report says a McDonalds Happy meal resists decomposition for six months.  Then how come I can’t even finish the damn thing and unwrap the toy before sprinting to the crapper? OR This and much more in Al Gore’s new movie “An Inconvenient Poop.” OR Scientists have labeled this “The Pamela Anderson Effect.”

A report has concluded that fraud charges filed against Goldman Sachs were not politically motivated.  A spokesman said “Nope, just your regular everyday middle-school payback, but not politically motivated.”

An adult film actor’s positive HIV test is scaring industry, and the tight-lipped reaction of the clinic that conducted the test isn’t helping.  Those in the porn industry have never seen anything “tight-lipped” and have no idea how to react.  OR The scare has caused the cancellation of many porn shoots, over half of which were scheduled at Vikings practices.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher had to skip a reception Thursday to honor her eighty-fifth birthday because she was ill with the flu.  My sources say she really just wanted to see the live episode of Thirty Rock.

Stumbling out of a nightclub and walking home barefoot with aching feet after dancing all night in killer heels could be a thing of the past for women, thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes.  In a related story, men not knowing where to find stumbling drunken women at 2AM for a last-ditch shot at a one night stand could be a thing of the past... thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes. OR In a related story, muggers will now know exactly where to find drunken stumbling women at 2AM, thanks to new vending machines which sell disposable shoes.

A new movement of “Green burials” are environmentally friendly and require no coffins or chemicals, simply loved ones being laid to rest in nature.  The Italian side of my family calls this “Takin’ care of that guy.  You know that guy?  Took care of it.” OR Someone remember this for when Cub Scout Troop 487 returns from their camping trip in the area completely traumatized.

Piper Gaffrey scattered some of her ninety-nine year old grandmother’s ashes in a potted violet, her favorite plant.  This weekend her husband accidentally sold the plant at a yard sale.  The purchaser said she knew something was different when the violet started baking cookies and complaining about “that colored President we got.”

Statistics say married people most likely to have an affair are under thirty-four years old.  Uh, yeah - after that age it’s tough to get anyone but your spouse to voluntarily look at you naked. 

Brett Favre says he may sit out a game because of a lingering elbow injury. Favre apparently injured the elbow following his sexual scandal, when his wife started giving him more “alone time.” OR “The tendon is really bad,” said Favre, “Here, let me text you a picture of how long and hard it is...whoops!” 

A soaring bypass bridge high above the Colorado River near Hoover Dam is set to open after nearly eight years and $240 million worth of work.  Local teenagers are excited to have a new place to spit on unsuspecting tourists.  OR The bridge will be officially known as the O’Callaghan-Tillman Bridge, or by Las Vegas mobsters as “The new place where that guy went, you know that guy?”

Two women robbed another woman at gunpoint in Southern California today.  At a speaking engagement nearby, Bill Clinton said “Cool; what were they wearing?”

Serbia says it is facing an increase in political violence, claiming that soccer fans threw flares and fireworks onto the pitch during a championship qualifier match.  I say it could have been politically motivated, or it could have simply been soccer fans on a random Tuesday.

Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked off the set of The View after an argument with Bill O’Reilly, to prove their open-mindedness and tolerance of all viewpoints.  In the two minutes after they left, The View received some of it’s highest ratings ever. 

First lady Michelle Obama has cast her ballot at a polling place on Chicago's South Side.  When asked why, Mrs Obama said “Hey, this is Chicago; you have to start early to vote as many times as we do.”

The Arizona Diamondbacks announced they will give away season tickets next year to poor families in the Phoenix area.  Poor families collectively put out a statement that said “Nah, we’re good.”

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/12

As we approach the holiday season, I want to know what your plans are this year.  No really, tell me when you’re going to be leaving your house unattended.  Then tell me where you keep the good stuff.  Then send nude pics.  Then get to the chopper.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by getting hammered on Sambuca and enticing me to play “Escaped Convict And The Warden’s Wife.”

There is a contest being held to design a new use for the controversial vuvuzelas from the World Cup.  So far, none of the twenty ideas sent in by Larry Flynt have garnered approval.

Wal-Mart Stores will start selling Apple's iPad this Friday.  Industry insiders are highly skeptical that regular Wal-Mart shoppers can learn how to use a computer by the weekend.

In recent weeks, Google has announced new smartphones, cars that drive without human drivers, and now wants to own a power company that could control most of the east coast.  Unconfirmed reports say that shortly after Christmas, Google will publicly change its name to “SkyNet.”

Singer Christina Aguilera and her music executive husband of five years have separated and are living apart.  Aguilera was quoted as saying “I just realized I am way, way, WAY out of that guy’s league.”

A New Zealand television host sparked a diplomatic tussle when he ridiculed the name of Indian Minister Sheila Dikshit.  OK, come on now... people who can’t giggle at the name Dikshit are the same ones who sit stonefaced when NASCAR announcers say that Danica Patrick is ‘sitting on the pole.”  There are some things that are simply funny, folks.

Brett Favre didn’t want to talk about the sexual allegations against him after the Vikings game, but that didn’t stop reporters from peppering him with questions about it anyway.  It was so bad at one point that Favre had to say “Look if you don’t stop asking me about it I’ll make you all look at the pictures of my winkie again.”

Adam Lambert pledged Tuesday to obey Malaysian government rules that forbid him from kissing anyone onstage at a planned concert this week.  In a related story, Ryan Seacrest suddenly cancelled his trip to Malaysia and Tweeted “A. Lambert tix 4 sale, make offer.”

A Congressional panel is set to examine the latest big California wildfire.  Well, good.  Maybe after spending gobs of taxpayer dollars on fact-finding Tequila shooters, they’ll all give the fires a good, stern talking to.  Maybe draft a symbolic resolution.  That’ll show those fires!

Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle raised $14 million in the last three months.  About half came from individual donors, a quarter from groups, and about $4 million from the Star Wars penny slots at The Bellagio.

Beverly Hills is introducing a line of perfume called City Scents.  Yet another example of how rich people think their Sh&@ doesn’t stink.

President Obama has lifted the ban on deepwater drilling in the gulf.  In response, Tiger Woods asked his realtor “Hey, can we find a house in Deepwater?”  OR Bill Clinton immediately announced plans for a “Deepwater Fundraiser” for college cheerleaders.

Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas was recently asked if she was anti-semitic, and she responded “Baloney!”  When reporters then asked how her comments on Israel should have been interpreted, Thomas replied “Muenster Cheese!”  Baffled reporters asked for clarification and Thomas yelled “Pickles and Mustard!”  Eight questions and ten minutes later, Thomas completed her nursing home lunch order and nodded off to sleep.

Gay activists have delivered a petition to the headquarters of the Mormon church in Salt Lake City.  Reportedly the petition says “Hey, you have forty spouses and we only want one.  What’s the problem?”

A recent study says that legalization of marijuana in California will not adversely affect the Mexican drug cartels as hoped.  Of course it won’t, Mexico already owns California.  Duh.

Good news: Only one flight in the US was delayed more than three hours in the month of August.  Bad news: It was your Uncle Morty’s flight, and he’ll take twice that long at Thanksgiving dinner to tell you aaaalllll about it.

A study into Australian police use of Tazers found that eighty-five percent of cases involved a person with a mental illness.  Asked to explain why, a police spokesman said “Well those people were frickin’ crazy!”

President Obama has signed a NASA authorization act paving the way for a manned mission to an asteroid by 2025, and a manned mission to Mars for some time in the 2030s.  Some find this odd, since other recent government announcements claim that well before that time we’ll all be broke, starving, and living under Chinese rule.

*THREE BAD...SEQUEL IDEAS*

The 7th Sense: Look At All The Freakin’ Dead People

Labor Day Weekend At Bernies With The Kleinsteads

Deuce Bigalow: MIddle-Aged Boca Raton Gigolo 

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/11

The baseball playoffs are in full swing, and you know what that means.  Yes, very soon we’re going to hear aging Baby Boomer sportscasters lamenting about how they “snuck their handheld radios into school to listen to the games” when they were kids.  No one cares, guys.  While you were huddled around a static filled radio, some of us were off getting your girlfriend to go to second base.  (Second base is holding hands in public, right?  Yeah baybee, I was a STUD)  My point is this; real baseball fans will watch the playoffs and the World Series no matter what time the games start, so shut yer pie holes.  Oh, and for Halloween I’ve decided I’m going as a slutty shortstop.

As always, see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by simply asking me to show you more.

Denny’s has announced the opening of a new fast-food style restaurant in Southern California.  Just the thing for those who don’t have time to sit and wait forty-five minutes to get rabid indigestion and heartburn.

More than twelve million people now subscribe to the online game “World Of Warcraft.”  Or as it’s also known, “The Involuntary Abstinence Program.”

A driller from Denver has become a hero in the rescue of the trapped Chilean miners.  I don’t have a joke here, I just think that would be a great name for a porno star: “The Driller From Denver stars in ‘Back Door To The Future.’”

Scientists have found genes that appear to play a role in the propensity for obesity.  The biggest suspected culprit is the “Six Twinkies A Day On The Couch” gene.

Obese workers cost the US nearly $73 billion per year in health care and related costs, according to a new study.  Some say that evens out though, as those same workers put nearly $200 billion a year into the economy buying ice cream and muumuu’s.

Queen Elizabeth on Monday officially named a new British cruise ship after herself.  Officials from the Cunard line were upset later, saying “It was supposed to be called ‘The Cunard Sunship’, she renamed it on her own.  She’s the queen, what can we do?”

President Obama today announced a new $50 billion transportation proposal.  The President said “I have listened to the American people and they have made their voices clear; they definitely want more large governmental spending programs like this.”

Banks in Britain have been accused of money-laundering after they handled millions of dollars for two Nigerian ex-governors accused of corruption.  In their defense, bank officials say they thought they were helping a former Nigerian royal family member get money from a frozen trust fund.

Published reports say that former Sen. Lincoln Chafee's independent campaign for Rhode Island governor owes $8 in unpaid federal income taxes.  Chafee’s opponents reportedly paid private investigators nearly $50,000 to dig up this dirt.  Yaaaaay federal government...  OR Speaking on the matter, Chafee said “Really?  That’s all you’ve got?  Man, I was afraid you’d found the pictures of me with that underage Cambodian hooker.  I mean....uuh..I’m not a witch!”

A new study says that hiding the TV remote and games console controller is a good way to limit the time kids spend in front of a screen.  Another option would be actual parenting.  I’m just sayin’.

Google says the company is road-testing cars that steer, stop and start without a human driver.  Mercedes plans to release a model with the new technology, which will allow shallow women to have sex directly in the only reason they’re attracted to geeky rich guys. OR Google’s research and development on the project is being co-funded by large grants from Anheiser-Busch and Jack Daniels.  OR If successful, the new cars will allow Hollywood producers to exchange their casting couches for casting Cadillac’s.

Virgin Galactic’s space-tourism rocket made it’s first solo glide flight recently, leading to hope that private citizens will be able to make space trips soon.  Reportedly, a trip will cost around $10,000, or $50,000 if you want to buy you ex-wife a “one way ticket.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger and a host of prospective investors from Silicon Valley are visiting Russia this week to research tech investment opportunities. Apparently it’s pure coincidence that shortly following Ahnold’s landing, three chemical labs and a secret weapons depot exploded, and that he ended his first speech by yelling “Get to the chopper!  Noowwwww!!!”  OR Schwarzenegger said Russia is a "gold mine" for foreign investors, but some of the U.S. high-tech executives remain wary about doing business in the corruption-plagued economy.  You know, because doing business in our own corruption-plagued economy has gone so smoothly lately.

George Michael said he wants to "start again" after his release from a stint in prison for DUI.  He then said he was headed to Lindsay Lohan’s house, but he had to “make a quick stop at a rest area bathroom first.”

LA Doctors are being told to be on the lookout for the “Botox Bandits,” who receive treatment and never pay.  They are described as women with a twenty-five year old face and a forty year old body, who coolly go about their business showing no facial emotion whatsoever.

Bravo Sports announced Thursday the recall of about 160,000 trampolines. Bravo has received 247 reports of top rails bending or breaking during use, with 212 of those reports coming directly from Tiger Woods’ bedroom.

Johnny Depp is being lauded for a surprise visit he made to a school in his Pirate costume recently.  Oh sure, when he goes to an elementary school dressed like a Pirate it he gets “lauded,” when I do it I get cited for “probation violation.”  Stupid celebrity double standard.

A new program to fight Dengue Fever in Asia calls for genetically engineered male mosquitoes to be released into the wild to mate with females and produce offspring that live shorter lives, thus curbing the population.  Unconfirmed reports say the US Government is attempting to copy the program, but with genetically modified redneck human males to be released into Wal-Mart’s.

A University Of North Carolina star defensive tackle was kicked off the football team Monday, and two other players were declared permanently ineligible.  Uhh, what’s the difference between “kicked off the team” and “permanently ineligible?”  

A study says that California spent nearly half a billion dollars on college freshmen who later dropped out.  Of course, the study was done by people who went to California schools, so the actual amount could be like fifty bucks.

Candidate Kendrick Meek says he won’t quit the Florida Senate race.  He says he’d like to win, but even if he doesn’t he has a “big inheritance” coming.

The recent jump in the number of whale deaths is being blamed on an increase in the number of Krill and far more ship traffic.  Oh, and Rick Sanchez says it’s also partly the Jews fault.  OR Joe Biden is also trying to blame it on the Bush tax cuts. 

Scientists say people should be more worried about smaller space rocks that explode in our atmosphere, and should forget Bruce Willis wrestling with huge space rocks threatening to doom Earth in "Armageddon."  Yeah, no worries; people forgot “Armageddon” looooong ago.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said Monday that he does not discriminate against gays, and would have no problem hiring them in his administration.  “Hey,” said Paladino “We’re going to need interior decorators, right?”

OR

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said recently that children should not be "brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option."  He’s right, it’s not equally valid - gay couples can’t get married.

A lobby group says politicians are involved in the trade of human albino body parts in Africa.  Apparently they’re collecting all of the extra-white body parts except for the penis.  You know, for obvious reasons.

The Commonwealth Games in India have used wildlife to spice up the crowds, with monkeys at the cycling, bugs at the tennis and birds of prey at the hockey.  This is completely different from America, where wild animals that may or may not fling their own poo are only found in the stands at professional wrestling events.

A University Of Georgia running back has become the school's 11th football player to be arrested this year.  Reportedly, the Cincinnati Bengals are frothing at the mouth to draft all eleven.  OR The Bulldogs are now only six arrests away form the record held by the 1986 Miami Hurricanes, although some are saying if they break the record there should be an asterisk; this is the steroid era, after all.

Sources estimate that Nancy Pelosi is spending as many as seventeen hours a day raising money and campaigning for fellow Democrats.  That’s a wise use of The Speaker’s time, since the country is running so smoothly.

A woman accused of abusing teenagers at Oprah Winfrey's school for girls in South Africa was acquitted of the charges, and Winfrey said she was "profoundly disappointed" by the trial's outcome.  Most disappointing was the fact that Oprah had already given every member of the magistrate’s board a free Prius and a trip to Australia.

*THREE BAD...BAND NAMES*

Gargamel And The Smurf Killers

Uncoordinated Dufus Brigade

MegaSnot

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/9

It’s almost Halloween, which means the now yearly tradition of putting the words “naughty” or “slutty” in front of any job title and calling it a woman’s costume is upon us.  How lazy.  I remember when a costume actually had to be something or someone.  Not that I have anything against naughty or slutty women, you understand.  I’m just sayin’ a little more effort would be nice.  You know, at least be a naughty Boba Fett or a slutty Thelma & Louise.  Send photos.  I have candy.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or with my naughty dental hygienist.

A survey in London shows that British citizens over the age of fifty-two are far grumpier than their younger counterparts.  Most of those surveyed said their grumpiness was because everyone younger than fifty-two won’t get off their damn lawn.  OR Hey, if the only person you ever got to see naked was over fifty-two, you’d be a tad grumpy too.

It looks like a pair of astronauts who are twins will finally be in space together.  NASA is preparing for wacky hijinks, wondering if Mr Furley will be able to tell which one is space-walking and which is in Chrissy’s bedroom!  OR Nickelodeon has already announced a new show based on the mission, titled “The Suite Life In Zero Gravity.”

A new study announced - this is the quote, verbatim - that “Weight Loss Programs Work For The Severely Obese.”  Really?  So diet and exercise help people lose weight better than Kit-Kat’s and Slurpees?  With this kind of smart tax dollar allocation, I can’t IMAGINE why we’re so far in debt.

In an attempt to prevent prescription drug abuse, U.S. medical agencies are asking consumers to dispose of any unused medications.  Upon hearing about the initiative, Lindsay Lohan asked “What’s an unused medication?”

Jerry Brown says that he sees himself as a regular guy who buys his suits on sale, drives around in a Ford Crown Victoria and enjoys dinner at home with his wife.  Governor Moonbeam also says that after spaghetti with “mushroom sauce” he sometimes sees himself as a big purple alligator with wings, then wakes up naked on the beach.  

Brett Favre stated he wants to concentrate on the Vikings upcoming game rather than the sexual allegations that arose this week.  When a reporter asked how he plans to approach the game, Favre replied “Same as always, 100% balls out.”

A new study says that men sweat far more than women.  Well ladies, if you knew some of the things we did when you weren’t looking, you’d be sweating too.

Facebook co-founder Sean Parker has given $170,000 to back California’s marijuana legalization proposal.  Asked for comment the following morning, Parker replied “That was real?  Duuuuuuuuude!!!” 

A 650-foot ferry is on fire in the Baltic Sea after an explosion on the upper deck, and firefighting ships are struggling to keep it from breaking apart and spilling 170 tons of fuel.  MSNBC said this is yet another indisputable consequence of the Bush tax cuts.

President Obama will fly to India two days after the midterm elections, leading some to conclude he's avoiding the fallout from a "Democratic bloodbath."  I think he’s going there to recover some American jobs.

Alaska Wildlife authorities say that a growing number of black bears are roaming the state, chowing down on too many caribou and moose and leaving too few for humans to eat.  In a related story, Sarah Palin has cancelled her next week’s worth of speeches and rented a helicopter.  Look out, bears.

Christine O’Donell has not yet announced whether she will support Mitch McConnell for Majority leader if Republicans win back the Senate.  O’Donell said “I need to go home and spend some time stirring the cauldron...I mean thinking.”

Europe's highest court ruled recently that fathers are entitled to "breastfeeding leave."  During the recent Ryder Cup, Welsh authorities apparently had to tell Tiger Woods that “No, the breasts have to be used to feed the baby, not the father.”

Tens of thousands of people are taking to the streets of Stuttgart to protest a disputed railway project in southwestern Germany.  To be on the safe side, France surrendered.

Good news: President Obama lifted some travel restrictions for Americans to Cuba.  Bad news: He then named Hyman Roth Director Of American-Cuban relations.  He didn’t ask who gave the order.

*FAILED FIRST DRAFTS*

I like New York in June, especially the muggings and that overwhelming pee smell.  How about you?

Give me Liberty or give me cheese.

One if by land, two if by Japanese tour bus.