Daily Monologue Jokes 9/14

Whatever you do, don't click the follow button on the right of this page.  It will bring you untold pleasure, and who wants that?

A New York man impersonating a police officer was arrested after he pulled over a real officer who was off duty.  The real policeman became suspicious when the fake cop told him he had “the right to give me $50 or get punched in the nuts.”  Everyone knows it takes WAY more than that to bribe a New York cop.

President Obama has written a children’s book.  He did it in his spare time, since he has everything else in the country so firmly under control and running smoothly.  Apparently he found the time to write it in between vacations, just after his daily hour of Origami and right before his Bikram Yoga class.

The Senate in France has passed a measure that bans face-covering and Burqa’s in public.  Still stuck in committee is the measure requiring deodorant and weekly showers.  OR Initially there was brief resistance to the measure, but it quickly surrendered.

The makers of high fructose corn syrup want to change the name of their product to something sweeter:  “Corn Sugar.”  Well then, I’d like to be known not as a Peeping Tom,” but as a “Nude In The Bushes Secret Photographer.”

A new study says that obesity costs the US economy at least 215 billion dollars a year in medical expenses and lost productivity, and Congress may take up a measure to tackle the problem.  The measure is being opposed by “The National Institute Of Average Looking Guys,” who say that if hot chicks don’t have chubby friends they’ll never get laid.

The U.N. released a statement that while worldwide hunger is down, it is still at an “unacceptable” level.  The release of the statement was delayed several hours while waiting for U.N. members to return from a three hour taxpayer funded lunch at Sardi’s.

Researchers are trying to track down more than 100 species of frogs that have gone missing.  Efforts are being concentrated in the place where most people who have gone missing are eventually found: Las Vegas.  OR  In a related story, Cirque De Soliel announced a new Las Vegas show called “Froggy Frog Jumpy Jumper.”

Two men in London earned 250,000 pounds through an “illegal sperm donor agency,” matching sperm donors with women trying to conceive.  The agency was called “Hooters.”  

Researchers say they have developed a new and better method of freezing human sperm for later use in pregnancy attempts.  The new method involves installing a plasma screen with XXX movies in the back of your home freezer.  Oh, and some Astroglide.

Over half of doctors surveyed said they’ve come to work while sick.  One doctor who wished to remain anonymous said “Hey, my coughing in their face isn’t half as dangerous to their health as their HMO.”  

Police in Amsterdam pulled a U.S. pilot from a plane for being too intoxicated.  Man, how hammered do you have to be for Amsterdam to say “Hey man, maybe you’ve had enough?”

*THREE BAD...PICKUP LINES*

Hey hot stuff, pull my finger

So how long can you hold your breath?

I’ll bet you a hummer I know everything there is to know about birdhouses

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/13

If you'd like to see more of me, send nude photos and I'll reciprocate (ladies only) (if guys do it I'll have you wacked...and not in the good way)  Or you could go to www.starspangledcomedy.com and pay me $1 million to perform at your birthday party.

A French fugitive was captured in Spain recently.  The fugitive originally vowed not to be taken alive, but the police began shouting threats in German accents and the man surrendered immediately.

Police in Florida recently reported an incident in which thirty shots were fired without one of them finding their mark.  Man, this LeBron James move to Miami isn’t starting well at all.  0-for-30?

A man in Newport Beach, California was arrested after attacking a Pelican that had tried to steal a fish he had caught.  Man, if every guy who “attacks the Pelican” is going to get arrested, Playboy will go out of business. 

Tiger Woods was eliminated from contention for this years Fedex Cup.  Woods is now free to pursue his reality show called “So You Want To Be A Porn Star.”

A top executive at Bing says that while Google Instant is fast, Bing is smarter.  He went on to say that while fat and bloated, Yahoo has a really great personality once you get to know her.

A new study says that termites can predict the impact of climate change.  It also says that if you call 1-900-WINNERS they have a fruit fly that predicts NFL games.

A Toyota plant in Australia is planning to build greener engines.  Also a few blue ones.

School officials in Pittsburgh are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly.  Parents are furious about the incident.  Students say they can’t wait for the next assembly. 

Cuba has announced they will lay off 500,000 state workers.  In a related story, real estate agents in Miami announced they have 500,000 apartment vacancies, no documents required.

A new report from “restroom spies” says 85% of people are washing their hands more often in public.  The study also says that 90% of women don’t like being spied on in public restrooms.  The other 10% had nooooo problems finding dates. OR  Of those, 5% are turned on by the fact that there are people spying on them in the restroom.  Of those, 95% are members of Congress.  OR The study results were released from prison, which is where most “restroom spies” end up.

Oprah Winfrey kicked off her final season by sending everyone in her audience on an eight day vacation to Australia.  In a related story, Oprah has given Rosie O’Donnell a TV show that will also last about eight days.

Iran has announced they will release a female hiker held for over a year on bail of $500,000.  Later, Spencer Pratt announced he would sell you pictures of her boobs for $50.

The video game “Super Mario Brothers” celebrates its twenty-fifth anniversary this year.  Fans of the game will celebrate by eating “magic’ mushrooms and smacking each other over the head with hammers.

A town in Armenia has produced the world largest ever chocolate bar.  A nearby town has produced the worlds largest ever jar of peanut butter.  Man, I sure hope those two don’t bump into each other.

Geneva, Switzerland has opened the first shelter for newly separated husbands.  Men who have seen their marriages dissolve come to the shelter and find all of the things they need to repair and rejuvenate their lives, including discount appetizers and well drinks,  flat screen TV’s with ESPN, and twenty-two year old girls that are hot, morally casual, and have a suppressed gag reflex.

A new study detailing the trials of living with Touret’s Syndrome was released today, saying that FUCK SHIT COCKSUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK!

*THREE BAD...MUSEUM EXHIBITS*

Stuff From The Gutter

Dads In Speedos

Poop Alive!

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/11

Always remember.

With all of the talk about who will replace Steve Carell on The Office, I’d like to throw a name out there that I can’t believe hasn’t already been considered:  Ted McGinley.

Hollywood celebrities went out on a limb last night, making a brave stand against cancer.  You know, instead of being for cancer like everybody else.  OR Many of the celebrities said it was an issue we can all come together and agree on, not something divisive and uncertain like whether or not it’s OK to drug and rape a thirteen year old, then run and hide in Switzerland for thirty years like a scumbag coward.

A news reporter in Norway recently quit on-air during a live broadcast.  The video has gone viral, under the title “Please Please Please Forward This To Geraldo!”

A man in Georgia is suing a grocery store after finding a used tampon in his bowl of Chocolate Chip Crunch cereal.  One wonders what would have happened had it been a bowl of Frankenberry.

A New York City woman stabbed and killed her husband after coming home and finding a porn video in their apartment.  Later that day a dozen husbands in neighboring apartments made quick trips to the dumpster, “Just to throw out some... stuff, honey...nothing important.” 

Meteorologists say that a strengthening La Nina could mean more hurricanes this season.  They also said it could mean less hurricanes.  Then they said the hurricanes could stay about the same.  They then turned the final Tarot Card and said we would all find happiness in a new career, or possibly a new love interest.  OR  With that ability to see the future so clearly, I think meteorologists should spend more time in Vegas. OR Al Gore then held a press conference stating that information this rock solid is incontrovertible evidence that taxes should be raised, and SUV owners are obviously the Devil.

In a move clearly designed to wean the U.S. off of reliance on foreign oil, President Obama continued the moratorium on domestic drilling while extending a $1 billion loan to Mexico to support their oil drilling program.  The move makes perfect sense, since we have all those extra billions laying around with nowhere to spend them here at home.  OR Three words come to mind:  What, The, and Fuck.  OR Yeah...Biden saying “We have to spend money to save money” doesn’t sound so stupid anymore, does it?

Eighty five inmates escaped from a Mexican prison recently.  It’s not that big of a deal;  that’s the equivalent of only seven American inmates.

A new study says people are now on Facebook longer than they are on Google.  That’s not surprising, since it doesn’t take long to go to Google and type in “Two chicks threesome home made amateur video clips.”

Bad news: The CDC says Americans are eating less fruit and not nearly enough vegetables.  Good news: We lead the world in eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

*THREE BAD...SEQUEL IDEAS*

Herbie Retires in Sunrise, AZ

Scream, Like A Little Girl

Die Hard, It’s Better Than Dying Limp

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/10

So I missed a couple of days.  Sue me.  Or better yet, go to www.starspangledcomedy.com and send me a bunch of money.

A new book claims that Paris Hilton hid drugs inside her body.  Uh, yeah...most of it in her bloodstream.  OR The book also claims that she hid half of the 2006 Denver Broncos inside her body.  Both claims are inherently believable.

Fidel Castro said recently he believes that Communism isn’t working in Cuba.  Others in Cuban leadership say they’re not so sure, and maybe they should give it another fifty years and five million deaths, just to be sure. OR Michael Moore was furious about the statement, saying that obviously Castro doesn’t know as much about the Eden of Cuba as he does.  Moore began to make another statement, but stopped to eat an entire large pizza in one bite instead.

A Berlin pub has set up an advice desk to help the long-term unemployed get back on their feet.  The first piece of advice given is “Stop spending so much time in pubs, you moron.”  OR One recent attendee doubted the advice “Quickest route to a new job is through the Hot Wing Happy Hour Yaeger Bomb Contest!”

Danica McKellar, who played Winnie Cooper on “The Wonder Years,” gave birth to a boy recently.  Both mother and child are said to be healthy, although McKellar expressed annoyance about the constant Daniel Stern voiceover regarding her ladyparts.  “There I was, finally seeing Winnie’s hoo-hah after all these years!”

Playboy model Tiffany Livingston was detained recently after panicking aboard a plane and attempting to open the door mid-flight.  Luckily for the rest of the passengers, Livingston’s usual method of having doors open for her by showing her breasts didn’t work.

The second quarter revenues for the Smith & Wesson company were disappointing, according to analysts.  A Smith & Wesson rep commented “Crap, I might as well just go shoot myself.” OR A Smith & Wesson rep commented “With the economy down, there simply aren’t enough people out there with enough net worth to kill.”

A newlywed man in Indianapolis used pepper spray on his wife’s face after a disagreement.  Indy police are baffled by the crime, as a man usually doesn’t want to pepper spray his wife until after at least five years of marriage.

Six in ten Americans age 18-25 couldn’t identify a photo of Colonel Sanders, the KFC logo icon.  Of course, eight in ten Americans age 18-25 can’t identify the United States on a map, so I guess it’s all relative.

New Hampshire has released its first foliage report of the 2010 season.  The report said in part: “Hey!  Look at all that cool-assed foliage!  Or is it foilage?  Foliage or foilage?  You’d think we’d know this... Hey lookit them colors on the trees!!!”

The cause of a mystery eye ailment that struck about fifty visitors to The Royal Adelaide Agricultural Show in Sydney, Australia has been traced -- to cow urine.  So how close were these people looking at the cows?  OR The cows in question will not be in trouble for the incident; their owner says that with aim and range like that, the cows should get their own reality show within weeks.

A woman who lost the tip of her pinky finger in an accident grew it back, after going to a physician who is an expert in regenerative tissue therapy.  The following day, the physician reported a tenfold increase in business, mostly from men saying they wanted to regrow the last nine inches of their penis they had lost in an accident.

A man in Germany who was arrested recently for taking repeated naked walks explained that he did so to “reduce stress levels.”  Why the man wore a Lady Gaga wig, purple eye shadow, and 6 inch pink stiletto heels during the walks remains a mystery.

Good news: Traffic deaths are at a sixty year low.  Bad news: It’s because no one can afford to buy gas and drive.

*THREE BAD...SONGS FOR POLE DANCING*

My Name Is Luka

It Aint’ Easy Being Green

Theme song from “The Facts Of Life”

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/7

You can see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or if you peek through my bathroom window. Click the "follow' button to the right of this page and you'll get a million dollars.

With the passing of one of “The Little Rock Nine,” President Obama said that all Americans owe a debt to those brave civil rights icons.  In an attempt to show his intimate knowledge of history, Vice President Joe Biden said we all owe a similar debt to “The Dave Clark Five.”

A gubernatorial candidate in Nevada is proposing a “pay to speed” plan, wherein drivers  who are in a hurry call a number, pay a $25 fee and are permitted to speed for 24 hours.  Other proposals include a $500 fee to punch fans of a rival sports team, a $2,000 fee to run naked through your ex-girlfriends apartment complex , and a $25,000 fee to shoot your spouse of longer than ten years.

Mark David Chapman, the man who assassinated John Lennon in 1980, was once again denied parole this week.  Hollywood celebrities lined up to applaud the denial, then they realized there was no money to be made on the incident and quickly got out of line.

A new report says that Paris Hilton received special treatment while in a Las Vegas jail.  Of course she did, she had all the good drugs.  That stuff is like money in the joint.

Tropical Storm Hermine dropped massive amounts of rain on Texas today.  Meteorologists predict that Hermine will now route north through Arkansas and into Tennessee, or perhaps head straight back to Hogwarts, hook up with Harry, and soak the Prisoner Of Azkiban.

According to reports, Reggie Bush will be stripped of his Heisman Trophy due to improper dealings with an agent while still in college.  In a related story, Matt Leinart will also be stripped of his Heisman, due to people figuring out he pretty much sucks.

Tiger Woods has made the U.S. Ryder Cup team as a captains pick.  Waitresses at Denny’s & IHOP all across Wales were ecstatic at the news.

Studies say that the smoking rate in U.S. adults is stuck at 1 in 5.  My suggestion: remove the filters from cigarettes and that number will drop rapidly.

The Kennedy Center announced its new group of honorees, and among them is Oprah Winfrey.  While no one can argue with Oprah’s success and influence, some say she may be receiving the honor because she gave everyone on the committee a new car.

Wyclef Jean has a new song that claims Sean Penn uses cocaine.  Sean Penn has fired back saying the claim is completely wrong.  Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, no one gives a flying rat fart.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has begun dropping Tylenol-loaded dead mice into the forests on Guam, in an attempt to control the population of brown tree snakes, since the acetaminophen in Tylenol is deadly to the snakes.  So now apparently dropping bombs from planes is the answer to everything.  OR  A USDA representative says there can be as many as 20 brown tree snakes per acre on Guam, one of the highest snake densities recorded anywhere in the world, second only to Washington DC.  OR Instead of mouse-bombs, the original plan was to drop Yaeger-bombs, but those were quickly scooped up by the soldiers and sailors stationed nearby.

The FDA issued warnings to the makers of Canada Dry ginger ale and Lipton tea for making unsubstantiated nutritional claims about their green tea-flavored beverages.  Among the claims the FDA says are bogus are that drinking the beverage will make you taller, that it can help you see through women’s clothing, and that it can make “Jersey Shore” go away.

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley has said he will not seek reelection when his current term expires.  In a statement, Daley explained “I’ll either be in jail or on the White House staff, so why bother?”

From the “things you secretly root for and giggle about” category, Al Sharpton’s nonprofit is on the brink of failure according to recent reports.  Financial analysts say the failure can be traced to the overall recession driving down giving and participation, and the fact that Sharpton is a total asshole.  Well, more the second one.

Reports indicate that bank robberies are now the number one way Al Qadea in Iraq is raising money for its missions.  The surprising rest of the top five were: 2) Bake sales, 3) Vegas-style casino night! 4) Free cruise raffles, and 5) “Beaver Hunt” photo contests.

A recent report says that Fidel Castro has called Mahmoud Ahmadinajad “anti-semetic.”  Now, we all know Mahmoud is a crazynuts, but when Castro is telling you “Hey, tone it down a notch” maybe, just maaaybe it’ll have an effect.

*THREE BAD...SEQUEL IDEAS*

An American Tail Part Three: Feivel Goes Crooked

The Ma-Trix Are For Kids

Police Academy 2, 3, 4, and 5

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/5-6

Happy Labor Day everyone.  Clock the FOLLOW button to the right of this page --------------->
If you don't it means you're attracted to farm animals.

A new study says that having casual sex doesn’t preclude the couple from having a serious relationship in the future.  The study was funded by a grant from “The National Institute Of Single Dudes.”  OR Researchers said they weren’t sure exactly what did preclude us from having a serious relationship, and wish you’d stop asking.  Seriously, just give them a little space.  Now?  You want to discuss this now?  There’s forty seconds left in this game, and you want to bring this up now?!?

A woman in Ohio has given birth in her pickup truck for the second time.  Both mother and child are healthy, and the father told reporters “How may more kids does she have to drop in this F150 before we get a Ford endorsement or something?”

The latest polls show that only 21% are approving of the job Congress is doing.  From this, we can safely assume that roughly 21% of the population gets direct cash payments from Congress.  

The IAEA has put out a statement that Iran is still enriching uranium to levels beyond those needed for nuclear fuel.  Combined with numerous, repeated statements from Iranian leadership that Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth, this has led to confusion in the U.N. as to Iran’s nuclear intentions.  Yeah, cracking that code is darn near impossible.

Jerry Lewis stated recently that he would “Smack Lindsay Lohan” if he had the chance.  He went on to say he would also “Blindfold her with a feather boa and cover her in butter flavored body oil while wearing my Aquaman pajamas.”  This went on for nearly fifteen minutes before reporters figured out he wasn’t discussing how to improve her behavior.

Space.com has put out a list of the “Top ten sky objects to see” before the end of summer.  Among the list of items that will soon disappear from the sky are the Aurora Borealis, the final no-extra-fees flight from Delta Airlines, and the Seattle Women’s Naked Skydiving exhibition on Sept 12.

As the possibility of direct talks with Aghani terrorist groups draws closer, many are wondering what exactly President Obama will be apologizing to them about.

Thousands of French citizens took to the streets to protest a recent crackdown by police on Gypsies.  Police stated they would do anything if the people in the street would go home, shower, and put on some damn deodorant.

A new study is attempting to ascertain whether the sauna and steam room are OK for pregnant women.  Asked for her opinion, Chloe Kardashian responded “I hope so, I mean then we can have more hot kids, right?  We need more hot kids and less ugly people, you know?”

The airline industry appears to be recovering somewhat.  Delta Airlines announced that August traffic was up 1.1%, and American Airlines was up 3.1%.  Several hours later, Delta announced a $15 per person “increased traffic fee,” which American quickly matched.

Bristol Palin told Jay Leno in an interview that going on “Dancing With The Stars” was an easy choice.  She explained “Hey, I’ve been knocked up, engaged and un-engaged then re-engaged then un-engaged...I think I’ve milked this no talent thing as far as I can.  It’s Dancing With The Stars, then a sex tape, then a book.  After that I should have enough cash to get by for a few years until I decide to run for public office.”

With opening weekend in the NFL a few days away, the Pittsburgh Steelers have named their team captains for the 2010 season, and QB Ben Roethlesberger is not among them.  In a nod to his importance to the team however, Roethlesberger was named by his teammates as a “Team Ambassador Of Drunk Groupie Bangin’.”

A new study shows that one in five drivers would fail if they had to retake the drivers exam.  Among the most common questions that drivers answered incorrectly were “How slow do you go when rubbernecking an accident on the highway?” “Do I just give the finger or is it OK to fire shots into the other drivers windshield?” and “How drunk is reeeeally too drunk to drive?”

A Japanese court convicted two members of Greenpeace of stealing whale meat.  In their court defense, the two men attempted to claim it was a misunderstanding; they had been taken in by a misleading ad on Craigslist for a “Chubby Chasers Dream Come True.”

Speaking of Craigslist, the website recently shut down its controversial “Adult Services” section.  Experts say this will have little effect on the problem of online prostitution, noting an 80% rise over the weekend in employment ads for “Naked Landscapers.”

Good news: President Obama announced today that the federal government will take action to stimulate the economy.  Bad news: President Obama announced today that the federal government will take action to stimulate the economy.

*THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE SAY*

So then the I.T. guys came out of nowhere and just kicked the snot out of those bikers.

Sir, I’m going to ask you to step out of your vehicle and hit this bong, hard.

Rhinestone studded purple chalice...check.  Norelco shaver with optional neck trimmer...check.  Porkpie hat...check.  OK, I’m as ready for Arbor Day as I’m going to get.

*LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT...MONTANA*

37% of voting population is actually bears

Could have been in professional baseball, decided to stay home and become a state instead, will not apologize to feminists for decision

#1 export is swaggering down a dusty street in tight denim jeans

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/3

As always, you can see my videos, schedule and everything else at my website www.starspangledcomedy.com.  Also friend me on Facebook here.  Or follow me on Twitter @stephenthomas15.  Or don't do any of those things and end up on a list of people who hate puppies.  Jerk.

The makers of Botox will pay $600 million to resolve and investigation into their product.   Botox representatives did not look worried or upset at the announcement, and in fact showed no emotion on their faces at all. 

Hurricane Earl caused Amtrak to cancel almost eighty trains from North Carolina up to Washington DC yesterday, stranding nearly twenty passengers.

NBC is reporting that terrorist group Hamas may be an impediment to the Middle East peace talks.  Yes, apparently the fact that terrorists can be an impediment to peace is new information to the folks at NBC.

“Crocodile Dundee” star Paul Hogan was cleared to return to the U.S., after finally clearing up a tax problem in his home country.  Apparently the dispute arose from a misunderstanding of what is or is not a knife.

NASA has stated that in it’s continuing quest to explore the universe, it would like to “plunge a probe into the sun.”  Attorneys for the sun issued a statement that they would not stand for this type of harassment, and demanded to at least get dinner and dancing first.  NASA then replied back, reminding the sun that they were astronauts, baby...come ooonnn...we can take you to the moon...

Fidel Castro appeared in public in his full military uniform for the first time since stepping down as president four years ago.  Some observers are calling this a symbolic act, suggesting that perhaps Castro will be retaking control.  I think  maybe it was just laundry day and that’s all he had clean.

A Florida Pastor is planning to hold a Koran burning on September 11.  Many members of the congregation do not agree with his stance, with one telling the local newspaper “I’m so upset by this I plan to not even be around that day...I have a...meeting... outside the blast radius...I mean outside the city limits that day.  Yeah, a meeting...that’s it.”

California Gubernatorial candidate and occasional sane person Jerry Brown said in a recent interview that he “can bring Californians together” if he is elected this fall.  Brown then promised a chicken in every pot and a tinfoil hat for every head.  “Wait,” he then said, “Change that first one to pot for everyone...then chicken fingers...cuz after some solid weed chicken fingers rock!  IHOP RUUUUULES!!!”

Ninety-five Boa Constrictors burst from checked luggage at an airport recently.  Originally it was reported that there were ninety-six of the huge snakes, but the last one turned out to be Ron Jeremy with no pants.  OR Airport security reportedly had the situation under control, and asked passengers to remain calm while they “Get these motherfuckin’ snakes out of this motherfuckin’ airport!” 

College football news.  The Big Ten now has twelve teams.  The Big Twelve now has ten teams.  Once again, the NCAA said there would be no college football playoff because they didn’t want to interfere with the students “academic pursuits.”  You mean like counting to twelve?  You figure it out.

Witnesses reported seeing a Bull Shark swimming in the Potomac River in Washington DC earlier today.  Later it was revealed to be James Carville, who had gotten hammered and gone skinny dipping.

Mexican police shot and killed twenty-five members of a drug gang near the border yesterday.  No one was more pleased about this than the rival drug gangs who are paying off the police this month.

Two young goats were finally rescued from a 6-inch ledge on a bridge in Helena, Montana yesterday, where they were trapped for two days.  There is no proof as to how or why the animals wandered out onto the ledge, but police are investigating reports that the animals have been granted official membership in the local chapter of Delta Tau Chi.

In their latest quarterly financial reports, Campbells Soup profits are up 64%.  A Campbells spokesman said the company’s long-term outlook is “Mmm mmm good.”

Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $7,500 for his roughing-the-passer penalty on Cleveland quarterback Jake Delhomme.  Asked whether the fine was excessive, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell replied “Come on, it’s the Cleveland Browns.  Haven’t they been through enough already?  We’re going to give them a ‘participation’ trophy at the end of the year.  For now just lay off, man.”

A new study says that men waste more than $3,000 in fuel costs each year because they refuse to ask for directions when lost.  There is no estimate of how much fuel men waste driving in circles to avoid going home and getting nagged relentlessly.  OR In a related study, more than 5,000 women drivers each year are kidnapped by the creepy strangers they ask for directions.

*THREE BAD...STAR TREK EPISODES*

Episode 44, “Amish Massacre”

Episode 126, “The Spock-tacular Christmas Special”

Episode 85, “The Trouble With Boogers”

Monologue Jokes 9/2-3

OK, so I missed yesterday.  Sue me.  Internet on the ship was awful, now it's better.  To make it up to you, today's jokes have 50% more booger and fart.

Hurricane Earl is currently threatening the Carolina coast.  In my opinion the Carolina coast was asking for it; just look at the way it’s dressed.

In other Hurricane news, Earl is apparently worrying families planning to travel over Labor Day weekend.  Well, it’s worrying everyone in the family except for the two kids who sit all the way in the rear of the station wagon facing backwards.  They’ll worry about the storm on the way home from the weekend, when they can actually see it.  (Yes, I’m dating myself with this one)

A woman  who was mad at her boyfriend attempted to climb down his chimney, got stuck, and died.  I’m not sure why she was mad, her getting stuck in the chimney proved he was right - apparently she was getting a little chunky.

A bill in the California legislature seeking to ban plastic bags failed to pass a final vote today.  Personally I think it was a timing issue - did they really expect to ban plastic baggies and expand medical marijuana in the same year?  Those are definitely two lobbying groups that work together.

A new study suggests that soymilk and other soy products may help older women sleep better.  The study also suggests that less nagging and putting out more will also help.  At least, that’s my theory.  I haven’t seen the study.

A group is claiming that some anti-bullying measures in schools are promoting homosexuality. If telling kids not to bully can make them gay, just imagine what telling them to play the flute in Orchestra can do.

A small town in Oregon is under fire for spending tax dollars for a public celebration of Mexican Independence Day, while refusing to fund or hold any public celebrations on American Independence Day.  When asked about the discrepancy, a councilwoman replied “Que?”

College football season begins this weekend, the time of year when students, alumni, and fans of various universities come together and realize that the BCS is the only thing less likely to provide a satisfactory outcome than the Middle East Peace talks.  For both topics I have the same suggestion: Let them settle it on the field.

Fidel Castro admitted that there has been “injustice” for homosexuals in Cuba under his rule.  As for the hundreds of thousands of others he has killed, imprisoned, and deprived  of any type of freedom, Castro says nope, they all had it coming.

Martha Stewart said recently that she “wants to be a great interviewer.”  Well Martha, I want to be a shortstop in the major leagues.  We all have unrealistic dreams at some point, then we stick to what we do best - I’ll keep telling fart jokes, you keep annoying people with tips about paper towels and chicken skin.

A famed Tasmanian Devil was put to sleep recently after it was found to have a tumor.  Many expressed outrage at the euthanization, with Bugs Bunny issuing a statement that read “UNGA BUNGA BINGA BANGA BINGA BANGA BUNGAAAAAA!!!!!”

“Lost” creator JJ Abrams is attempting to produce a new television drama set in Alcatraz, the ex-prison in the San Francisco Bay.  Reportedly, the show is about a group of people trapped on an island where nothing makes sense, people are randomly killed, and the ending is dissatisfactory.  So, you know, nothing like “Lost.”

NFL Quarterback and part-time rapist Ben Roethlesberger is asking for a three game reduction is his upcoming suspension.  I think that’s wise, I mean how are the random drunken stupid groupie chicks in each town going to know him unless he’s on the field?  I mean, if he’s not an NFL star and has forcible sex with a woman as just a regular person, he might get in trouble or something.  OR  Attorneys for Roethlesberger said that he needed the reduction “So he could maintain his level of income in his chosen profession, which is of course nailing random chicks whether they want it or not.”

“Grays Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo recently said that she has 6 toes on each foot.  So what?  Now, if she had a third boob or something, that would be news.  OR The sad part about this is that somewhere out there is a guy who has a fetish for that.  He’s frantically searching the internet for pictures as we speak, so he can publish them on his website “sixtoedbitches.com.”

A new study finds people who are genetically predisposed to obesity may benefit from physical activity.  That’s right folks, we’ve spent millions of tax dollars on a study that tells us exercising is better for you than sitting on the couch with a faceful of BBQ chips.  Other interesting tidbits in this study include: working hard is a better way to earn money than playing video games in your underwear,  it’s brighter in the daytime than it is at night, and having sex is more fun than eating lima beans and getting punched.

U.S. auto sales dropped sharply in August.  Lawmakers in DC said they were at a loss to explain the drop, despite the obvious reason of the expiration of the Cash For Clunkers incentive program. HEY WASHINGTON!  WHEN STUFF COSTS MORE, YOU BUY LESS!  Is it any wonder this country is in inescapable debt?

Good news: That toddler who was smoking in an internet video recently has reportedly quit.  Bad news: the toddler has apparently become irritable with other kids at daycare, and has put on about twelve pounds.

*THREE BAD...MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH TITLES*

Wake Up And Spackle!

Butch It Up The Harvey Firestein Way

Boobs Are Cool, Let’s See Yours