Of Mice And Golf: Traditions

A bit different direction today, loyal readers.  

I’m here today to discuss golf traditions.  Not the Augusta kind of traditions unlike any other, but the traditions experienced by those of us who check our bag at the turn just to make sure we have enough balls to finish the round.  For example, I live in Southern California, so a weekend round of golf will invariably bring out two traditions that occur here: 1) Obtaining a second mortgage on your home to pay the greens fees, and 2) Having time to completely pay off that 30-year note in monthly installments while waiting for the round to finish. (Seriously? You’re going to look for that ball in the woods for 8 minutes, with groups stacking behind you? Hey Sir Hackalot, you spent 8 minutes looking for the one in the woods on the LAST hole - They sell them in packs of a dozen, take a quick look, drop, and then MOVE ALONG!)  Anyway, every round of golf brings out its own unique traditions, tied to either the people you’re playing with, the calendar, or the course itself.  I’m musing on golf traditions because I recently went back to Ohio to visit family, and dug a round of divots with my Father and my brother Mike.  (Also because I enjoy musing.  Sometimes I’ll even ruminate, but it’s medical ruminating approved by the state of California.)  When the men of my family get together and strategically plant Titleists deep into wooded terrain, we have several traditions.  My personal favorite is that my Father always pays.  I’m in my forties and Mike is in his thirties, but every time I see Dad pull out his American Express card I get that warm, “Child at Christmas” feeling, like I’m home again!  (This is inevitably followed at some point by that other home again feeling that I’ll apparently never outgrow, along the lines of “Teenager out past his curfew, getting yelled at and experiencing levels of guilt I thought I’d put behind me.”)  However, the tradition that made me giggle on this particular trip was the 18th tee, or as we call it “The 18th Tee.”  

Weekend warriors are familiar with allowing each other a mulligan on the 1st tee, but for over three decades my family has made the finishing hole memorable by granting a special mully on one condition - that the first cut you take on 18 is an “Overswing with every ounce of strength you have to the point where you could possibly separate rib cartilage” event.  I’m talking a Happy Gilmore  level of approach, if Happy had been hyped on Red Bull and ‘roids.  I’m not sure why we continue to do this, as far as I can recall no one has ever hit a single decent shot from The 18th Tee in over thirty years.  (Now that I think about it, I’m fairly certain we’ve never even found any of the balls we managed to hit.  Those that make it airborne usually land in the woods or multiple fairways away, with some leaving the grounds altogether and entering nearby residential or dining establishments, possibly disrupting important business meetings. “Well Mr President, I think we have an agreement for a balanced budget amendm...” ~CRASH!!!~ “This is outrageous!  Back to committee!”)

This particular trip, we played at Tartan Fields, the Central Ohio country club my Father recently joined.  I must say up front that Tartan Fields is an extremely nice course, well laid out and maintained, challenging, with picturesque fairways and postage stamp greens that will punish a wayward iron but reward a solid approach ... as far as I know; since I never had a “solid approach” I’m simply assuming that point.  It’s so classy there that the very nice young ladies in the beer ... I mean “refreshment” carts ... obviously considered Mike & I creepy old guys, (and not the normal wealthy creepy old guys they see, which probably confused them).   In other words, it’s the type of place I'm normally not permitted.  Anyway, when we arrived at 18, the “Swing Like Charlie Brown” tradition took place.  Dad found the trees down the left side, Mike drilled one into the water so hard I’m sure the greenskeepers had to restock the fish (“Wonder what killed them all?” “I don’t know, but this one has a Titleist lodged in its gills.”) and then it was my turn.  I set my feet, adjusted my grip, and  - trying to ignore the snickering going on behind me - ripped at it with all of my multiple “refreshment” enhanced might.  I mean I had myself a cut, folks; like something you’d see from a guy swinging a tree trunk ballbat in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.  This Herculean windmill was accompanied by a sound that can only be described as "John Belushi in Samurai Delicatessen meets a velociraptor."  I spun almost 360 degrees.  I nearly fell down.  I may have separated my left shoulder.  I’m pretty sure I blacked out for a second.  The clubhead speed was so great it may have ripped a hole in the universe and created a time travel vortex.  Folks, I went after that dimpled white sphere in a Sheen-esque frenzy.  The ball?  No one knows.  It sailed right, WAY right, like an extra fuel tank jettisoned from the Space Shuttle, and then it disappeared.  I’d like to think no one was hurt when it landed, but I can’t be sure. (“Wonder what killed him? “I don’t know, but there’s a Titleist lodged in his gills.” “Why does he have gills?”)  Anyway, when the laughter subsided and my left arm stopped throbbing with pain, I hit my real tee shot and we finished the hole. (Drilled a 15 footer to save par and tie the match with Dad.  Thought you’d want to know.)

What’s my point?  The point is this:   Family traditions of all types are about creating memories, and family golf traditions are no exception. The thing the three of us will remember from that round of golf is The 18th Tee. No one will remember the big drive I hit on 7, or Dad’s sand save on 12, but the men of my family will always be able to laugh about the time I nearly decapitated myself on The 18th Tee.  We laugh about 18th Tees from decades ago, and this latest installment will be a dandy addition to that quilt of stories.  If you’re not laughing and enjoying yourself - especially during a family round - then you really don’t understand golf at its core.  Do we try to play our best, always improve, work on the game, and most importantly create new and inventive expletives?  Of course we do - the constant frustration of golf, and our attempts to overcome it, is part of the appeal for us 15’s (and higher).  Above all though, golf is supposed to be fun, and if you can make fun a tradition anywhere and everywhere in your life, then that number on the scorecard is irrelevant.  You win.




*As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.  Send me a Facebook friend request HERE, or connect with me on a professional LinkedIn level HERE.  Or of course you can follow my blog THERE ------>

Triple-A Nudity And Badminton

To those of you blaming one political party or the other for being the cause of current financial issues: You are the exact reason Washington DC continues to get away with all of this crap.  You are the engine that drives the insanity.  Wake up. (What? I have to be funny all of the time?  Oh alright ... booga booga booga)

Actually, I’ve decided to only write one, long “column like” blog intro per week now.  The remaining days will have a short intro unless I’m inspired or receive far more frequent nude/semi-nude photo submissions from you, my loyal readers.  It’s an attempt to appear more professional, or at least as professional a humor blog containing numerous underwear references can appear.  Take the intro from last Friday, for example.  I had something important and lengthy to discuss with Montel Williams, so I did; however, it’s difficult to come up with something silly and completely without meaning or redeeming social value to write about every day, especially with Congress being on vacation.  I’d hate to have loyal readers get a feeling of disappointment, like when you see a movie on HBO that’s rated R, but only for “Brief Nudity” instead of long stretches of nudity, which means you’ll have to really pay attention so you don’t briefly miss it.  You know what I’m saying?

By the way, still nothing from Montel.  

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... say hello to my little jokes ...

A deaf man has accused a nudist park in upstate New York of violating federal law by refusing to provide him with a sign-language interpreter.  Let me understand this - he gets to see naked women AND doesn’t have to listen to them talk ... and he’s MAD about it?  Someone needs to immediately revoke his ManClub card, please.

The US credit downgrade is having worldwide repercussions.  Even Nancy Pelosi has cut back to one eye-job per week.  (I’m kidding! Nancy would raise taxes on her own mother before she cut back! Ha ha!)

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says that Standard & Poors “showed terrible judgement” in downgrading the US.  Geithner claims that according to his detailed analysis via Turbo Tax, everything should be just fine.

President Obama said today that the US is “still a AAA country.”  Yes, and if the idiots in Washington would get out of our way, maybe We The People could get us back to the Major Leagues.

Plaxico Burress participated in his first day of camp with the New York Jets today.  Coaches said the starting Wide Receiver job was his.  You know, unless he shoots himself in the leg.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  OR Head Coach Rex Ryan said he was “Impressed with how quick his feet were today. Mmmmm ... feet ...”

Tourists can now get fresh baguettes from vending machine in France.  To be treated like crap, however, you’ll still need a real, live French person.

Diana Nyad was swimming strongly in her attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida across the straights today.  Apparently the only trouble she’s encountered has been the various rafts passing her on the right, screaming “Get out of the fast lane, slowpoke!”  OR To make the swim realistic, CBP agents plan to begin shooting at her when she gets within 200 yards of the beach.

Chinas’ hopes for a world title took a hit when their top ranked player was upset in the first round of the World Badminton Championship.  Sport journalists around the world were shocked to learn that badminton has a world championship.

THREE BAD WRESTLER NAMES

• George “The Mediator” Steele
• The Soft Spoken Salamander
• Ricky The Lugnut

Did The Duke Play Cricket?

Montel Williams watch, Day Two.  Still no word from The Big Montel. (Unless he’s sending coded messages in all of those “Enlarge Your Manhood” emails I keep receiving, but I have to believe those are more likely to come from the Anthony Weiner Wikipedia page)  I can’t believe he’s pretending to ignore this.  Stop hiding, Montel, it’s only a matter of time before TMZ finds you.  

Now I need to figure out why the John Wayne Fan Page on Facebook keeps tagging me in high-heeled shoe ads.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joke scratch fever ...

The owner of computer company Acer said recently that tablet computers are nothing more than a fad.  He then hung up his rotary telephone, because he needed to warm up the picture tubes on his Philco to watch Lucy. (Happy Birthday, Lucy)

Rookie wide receiver AJ Green is reportedly making a huge impression in the Cincinnati Bengals training camp.  Coaches say he’s fitting right in with the veterans, as he’s already been arrested four times.

A new study says that overweight men with diabetes can improve their sex lives by losing weight.  I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure losing weight will improve the sex life of ANY man, diabetes or not.  OR  A similar study says that overweight women can improve their sex life by putting out more, and not asking to be called the next day.  Or ever.

Researchers say that public bicycle sharing schemes in large cities save lives and cut greenhouse gas emissions.  They also greatly increase the number of teenagers who have free bikes.

The US had its AAA credit rating lowered.  Now if the government wants to borrow money, it’ll have to lie about its income like the rest of us.

After the downgrade, President Obama made a statement saying that Washington DC “must do better.”  Well, good.  A statement.  That ought to take care of it.  Now if we could only get an exploratory committee formed to investigate the matter, then everything would be just peachy.

In Cricket news, Sri Lanka captain Tillakaratne Dilshan hit five sixes and twelve boundaries in his first Twenty20 century, leading the hosts to 198-3 against Australia.  If anyone has even the slightest clue what that means, please contact me, preferably via the George Peppard Wikipedia page.

Ralph Nader says there is “almost a 100% chance” of a Democratic Primary challenger to president Obama in 2012.  Of course, it’s possible that challenger may be Ralph Nader, in which case there’s “an exactly 100% chance” of President Obama winning the nomination.

China has told the US that the “good old days” of borrowing money are over.  They did so in an official government statement titled “No Tickee, No Loanee.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer wants to sell its top-selling heart drug Lipitor without a prescription.  In preparation, Pfizer has parked nearly $2 billion of windowless panel vans outside bowling alleys around the country.

John Kerry announced that he is planning to run for a sixth term in the U.S. Senate.  Washington insiders were shocked by the news, as most thought Kerry had died years ago.

Warren Jeffs believes he did nothing wrong and that his religious freedoms are being infringed upon.  Perhaps he’ll feel differently after a few weeks of role reversal in prison, when HE’S the twelve year old girl getting nailed.  Happy trails, pervo.

Sea Turtles And Crazy Tans

I mentioned recently that I’ve been receiving blog visitors referred from links in the Montel Williams Wikipedia site, and that this concerned me.  I want to make it clear that I have nothing against Montel Williams, Wikipedia, or their respective attorneys who have in no way contacted me with legal documents containing offers that I couldn’t refuse. (Nor would the fine firm of Luka, Brazzi & Corleone ever do such a thing! Ha ha! Ridiculous! I’m not nervous and sweaty!)  Anyway, Mr. Williams and Mr. Pedia are in no way the target of any of my whimsical barbs.  Just so that’s clear and concise, in a completely friendly and non-libelous way that allows my thumbs to remain intact.

I’m simply concerned about the referral links because A) With his page having a noticeable lack of flatulence references, I have no idea what we have in common that connects Montel & I, B) I can’t locate the actual link that is sending people to my joke blog, and C) ”Montel & I” sounds like an overly dramatic, poorly written indie film or after school special, involving some sort of family tension or rehab-induced self-awakening journey; the kind that makes aromatic people who are lounging in coffee shops at 10AM on a Tuesday have deep, earnest conversations about the importance of focusing your life.  With all that in mind, you can certainly understand why I’d want this investigated.  I mean, is my joke blog special, or are all joke blogs connected to random celebrity Wikipedia pages?  If so, why?  Does it have something to do with Global Warming, Tom Brady or possibly even the Chaos Theory?  Also, of all the celebrities out there, why Montel Williams?  Why not Ryan Seacrest or John Stewart, or even (dare I say it?) basketball legend Granville Waiters?  Would my personal celebrity link change if I made fewer gas jokes, and more about Barney Frank or Dancing With The Stars?  With so many legitimate and not at all random questions swirling, I put on my Detective hat and did some sleuthing. (I also put on my Detective socks and my Meter Maid pashmina, just FYI)

I tried the direct approach first, contacting Montel Williams directly.  His response was a rather predictable “I’m not THAT Montel Williams, he probably lives in Hollywood or something, now please stop calling my home.”  Stymied, I’ve resorted to the only remaining means of contacting The Big Montel, namely posting random Facebook updates and blogging about him, then heading off to drink beer and watch TV while hoping he notices. (I wonder if “Montel & I” will be nominated for a Daytime Emmy?)  Since I know all celebrities militantly monitor their social media pages, it’s only a matter of time before Montel sees this and invites me to his house, so we can discuss the matter over finger sandwiches and Bugles.  Perhaps even some of those cocktail wieners with the BBQ sauce.  At any rate, I’ve done all I can.  It’s out of my hands now.

If you have any other ideas on solving this mystery, please let me know either here or via Wikipedia.  Preferably through the William Shatner page.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joking along, singing a song ...

A new study suggests that at one time, Earth had two smaller moons that crashed together and formed one larger mass.  In a related story, TMZ is reporting that this is the exact same way Kirstie Alley was formed.

Meteorologists announced today that the current drought could extend into 2012.  They then said it could be over next week.  They then admitted they had no clue (because let’s face it, meteorology is about as exacting as sports handicapping and tarot cards) but enjoyed all the attention they get from female reporters whenever they make announcements.

The impact of a series of solar flares began arriving at Earth on Friday.  Most noticeably, John Boehner and George Hamilton are now so dark they may need to check the box for “African American” or at least “Pacific Islander” on their next census form.

Wikipedia says that it is losing contributors.  Of course, this was on the same Wikipedia page that said Brett Favre was really retired for good this time, so who knows if it’s true.  

A federal grand jury has indicted a Las Vegas man on charges he sent more than 27 million spam messages to Facebook users.  On the upside, he did manage to sell nearly two dozen pair of extremely tacky high-heeled shoes.  So there’s that.

The new Samsung Conquer 4G phone will be sold exclusively by Sprint.  In other words, no one will buy the new Samsung Conquer 4G phone.

Tiger Woods looked to be in top form in his return to golf, shooting a 68 on his first day back.  He looked to be in even better form that night, getting a 69 with a waitress at Perkins.

A badly injured sea turtle that underwent a year of rehabilitation and innovative surgeries was released by caretakers, who say they hope he finds a mate.  I’m sure he will; chicks dig scars.

A recently released study shows the twenty best places to protect marine mammals.  At the top of the list?  In the water.

Researchers for the first time have turned human skin cells into working brain cells.  The breakthrough gives hope to fat, stupid guys who could possibly be turned into fat, smart guys.

Scientists say they have developed a sensor that can accurately detect whether or not date-rape drugs are in a beverage.  Ladies, if you’re suspicious enough of this guy to chemically test your own drink, maybe you should just not drink it at all?  Perhaps just leave?  Maybe not date guys who drive windowless panel vans?  Just sayin’...

All The Old Unfamiliar Places

New joke blog coming soon.  I said soon.  Hey, you want them more often?  Then hire me or get off my back!  Besides, I'm currently wearing my CSI hat, attempting to figure out how I received 27 - yes TWENTY SEVEN - viewers this week referred by the Montel Williams Wikipedia site.  I wish I was making this up.  Perhaps it's due to our names being spelled alike and that we look so similar, I don't know.  Let me know if you have any ideas how this happened or would like to hire me as a staff writer hinthinthinthinthint.


Anyone have William Petersen's number?


EDIT: It could possibly be because you can rearrange the letters in "Montel Williams Stephen Thomas" to say "A Telepathises Hmm Mill Snot Own." (Props to Dave Barry)

Genco Olive Oil Co.

The NFL lockout is better than the Government debt stalemate.  Whiners though they are, at least the NFL is trying to decide how to divvy up and spend money that they will - at some point - actually do something to earn.

Off of my soapbox now.  Well, it’s not really a soapbox.  It’s more of a fresh produce crate, something that might have “Genco Olive Oil Co.” printed on the side.  Speaking of Genco Olive Oil Co, am I alone in thinking that every government around the world resembles that fabled company more and more?  Furthermore, does it seem to anyone else like Fredo and Fredo’s heretofore unknown illegitimate offspring are being put in charge?  I’m musing here, folks.  Musing and humming.  I like to hum when I muse, humming seems to have excellent musing viscosity.  So does ear hair fiddling, but I’m wandering off point.  My point is, it may be time to send the worldwide collection of Fredos on a fishing trip in Nevada.  Or we could simply ignore them, because A) The various Genco formulations throughout history have always done these type of things, B) People in power will continue to do these types of things for all eternity, it’s simply a fact of human nature, and C) Most of us are ready for some football.  Although I must admit, as long as the lockout extends, the Cleveland Browns are tied for first place; so I’m torn on when I want it to end.  Let’s settle this ... where’s Luka?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... this is my brother, joke Hagan ...

Attorneys for Casey Anthony released a statement saying she will appeal her convictions on four charges of lying to detectives.  Psst .... Casey! ... Quit while you’re ahead!  

American Airlines is giving away a free seven night trip to Columbia.  As a special treat, the winner will be able to upgrade to First Class by swallowing twelve “special balloons.”

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are splitting after seven years of marriage.  In gin-soaked hopes of catching J-Lo’s eye next, B-List actors and fat guys in middle management will begin doing situps tonight.  You know, because they’re only a couple hundred situps away from landing J-Lo.

A man has built his own million dollar Bugatti supercar, using his own hands, alone in his house.  Now that he has it, he won’t have to use his own hands, alone in his house, for anything else.  If you get my drift.

Some are claiming that an error in North Dakota’s founding document means that technically, it is not a state.  In a similar story, some are claiming that a series of errors over the past 103 years means that the Chicago Cubs are not really a professional baseball franchise.

A new study says that being the top ranking, alpha male baboon is a high stress job.  Possibly, but they also seem to get the loudest screeching baboon chicks with the giant red butts.  So, you know, everything evens out.

Scientists scouring the mountains of Borneo spotted a Rainbow Toad for the first time since 1924.  It turns out the toad was in Vegas all this time, running hot at the blackjack table.  No biggee.

Five women on the North Korean Womens World Cup team have failed a steroid test.  The five averaged 6’7” and 350 pounds, and shaved twice a day. The largest of the women, named Chuck, had a life sized tattoo of Barry Bonds’ head on her back.

FOUR BAD MUSEUM EXHIBITS

Rashes Through Time

Stuff From The Gutter

Slightly Burned Things

Intolerably Hot Rooms

Tiger Woods, Taco Bell, And Ted Knight

Dedicated, devoted, and rabid imaginary fans of mine often ask “Steve, what’s your version of The American Dream?  Is it wealth, or happiness?”  Invariably, I tell them “Yes.”  Currently my version of The American Dream is to live in a gated golf country club community, where there are multiple golf courses specifically to challenge my game, and the gate is up specifically to keep out people like me.  Yes, I want to live somewhere that people like me aren’t allowed.  I want to be the lowest-class member of a high-class establishment, and routinely embarrass myself at community functions, with wacky hijinks gone awry.  Or asunder.  Either way, I just know it won’t involve pants.  That’s my dream.  (Well, that’s the part I can tell you with my wife listening in, anyway) To that end, I’ve decided to take a page out of the playbook of the US Government: I’m offering a $100,000 cash reward to the first person who gives me $5,000,000.  Think it over America, this Bushwood offer won’t last long.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... one, two, three o’clock, four o’clock joke ...

South Sudan officially broke away from Sudan and became the world's newest nation early Saturday.  Hours later, President Obama issued a statement welcoming the new country to the brotherhood of nations, and asking if we could borrow some cash.

BP says it wants future claims against oil spills to be limited with a cap on dollar amounts.  In a similar story, Tiger Woods says he wants future infidelity claims to be limited to only being hit in the face with Nerf bats.

The June jobs report has been called “dismal,” “grim,” and “flat.”  Sounds exactly like my junior prom date.

The European strand of E Coli has been confirmed as the cause of death in an Arizona case.  Man, we are outsourcing EVERYTHING.

In southern Israel, archaeologists are piecing together the history of a people remembered chiefly as the bad guys of the Hebrew Bible.  As it turns out, the bad guys were left alone at home a lot as children, and all of their killing and pillaging was simply a cry for attention.

A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila, and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”

NASA is deciding between two potential places to send the Mars Rover on its next mission.  The first spot is near a large mountain potentially hiding an ice field on the Red Planet.  The second, surprising spot is in the bushes outside Jennifer Anistons’ bedroom.

An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.

A TSA agent has been caught stealing over $50,000 worth of electronics from passengers.  Man, who could have seen that coming? Oh that’s right, everybody.

Women across the country are joining “Naked Yoga” classes, saying that it stretches and makes healthy both your body and your self-esteem.  Men across the country are also joining Naked Yoga classes, because ... well, because they’re filled with naked women.  Naked women stretching and bending and stretching and bending.  Duh.

Former president Bill Clinton came to Washington DC to give a speech on how to spur job growth.  Actually, he came to DC because there’s a Cheerleading Convention in town, but quickly whipped up the job growth speech when he saw everyone looking at him.

Hoffa, Huffing, And Hefers

I picked up over 6,600 frequent flyer miles this week.  Sadly, they’re in the Delta Sky Pesos program, so I still need 45,000,000,000 more to get a free one way flight.  Maybe I can apply for a federal miles grant?  Maybe I can fly back home via Saturn and pick those miles up for an extra $100?  Maybe there’s an open staff writing position at a late night talk show or sitcom that’s perfect for me and I’m willing to bribe someone to get?  Hello?  Don’t underestimate the level of bribe I’m talking about here...

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Jokes are currently in the upright and locked position ...

Tiger Woods plans to skip The British Open, saying that his leg needs more time to heal, and that he thinks “British chicks aren’t all that hot.”

Lula Cora Hood, who disappeared in 1970, has been found alive and living in Florida after forty one years.  This, coupled with the death of Osama Bin Laden, means that Jimmy Hoffa will soon be crowned world Hide-And-Seek Champion.

An investigation has discovered the award-winning gains by Atlanta students were based on widespread cheating by 178 named teachers and principals.  The eighty-two who confessed have already been offered positions as Congressional Lobbyists.

A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.

A murder mystery dating back to 1879 has been finally resolved after a skull unearthed in BBC legend David Attenborough's garden was formally recognized as that of a woman murdered by her maid 132 years ago.  Since he was the reporter who first broke the story back then, Larry King was permitted to announce todays’ news on BBC airwaves.

According to sources, Brett Favre may be considering another comeback.  Favre is apparently exploring his options by contacting front offices of Super Bowl contending teams, and texting pictures of his man-junk to female sports reporters everywhere.

CNN has cancelled Eliot Spitzer’s evening show.  The announcement drew surprise from around the news community, with many asking “When did Eliot Spitzer get a show on CNN?”

People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.

The California Legislature passed a bill requiring public schools to teach “Gay History” in the classroom.  I have no problem with this, but isn’t that why we already have TCM’s “Month of Musicals” series?

A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.

The fossil of a car sized mega-wombat has been unearthed in northern Australia.  Scientists have already named the fossil “Kirstie.”

THREE BAD HOLIDAY TRADITIONS

-Naked Sleigh Ride.

-Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.

-Kitties hung by the chimney with care.

Scorpions, Sheen And 70's Shows

Sometimes I sprinkle things into the blog that I’ve already said.  For you, finding them is kind of like an Easter Egg Hunt, except without eggs and there are no prizes or creepy six foot tall multi-colored rabbits making kids scream and cry.  On a completely related note, did you know I’m on LinkedIn? Yeah, if you click HERE you’ll see I’m not lying (and you can send me a LinkedIn network request).  Why would I lie about this?  What kind of sicko would lie about something like this?  Who do you normally hang around?  You’re freaks.  Sick, twisted freaks.  Which explains a lot, actually.  Now go find those eggs before they go bad and I’m forced to hard boil them and donate them to the local pantry.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke...

A man passed through TSA security and took a flight from New York to Los Angeles yesterday with an expired boarding pass that wasn’t even in his name.  A TSA spokesman said that despite the massive security breach there was never any real danger to the plane though, as they did manage to take away his nosehair tweezers and a four ounce tube of toothpaste.

US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.

Supporters of Texas Governor Rick Perry say they want some space at the upcoming Iowa straw poll.  They also say for their straws, they want some of those awesome curly Mickey Mouse ones that go around your hat.

A man from Nantucket was freed recently on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.

A passenger was stung by a scorpion on a recent Alaska Airlines flight.  The man said it was actually not as painful as the TSA search at check-in security.  OR Airline representatives apologized, but said it wouldn’t have happened if he’d just paid the $25 “No Scorpions” fee.

China opened the worlds longest overwater bridge. Something something something ... it’s Chinese so they’ll want to cross it again in an hour ... something something something Charlie Sheen. (Note to self: finish joke before adding to blog)

Former “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt made her New York stage debut this week.  Critics have been giving solid reviews to the show, “Don’t Let Mr Furley See This Kitten.”

An American scuba diver was left behind on The Great Barrier Reef by an Australian tour company.  A tour spokesman said that apparently the boat captain had had just about enough of the divers’ stupid “Bloomin’ Onion” comments.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is considering stepping down later this year.  Between the sputtering economy and that damn Turbo Tax, it’s getting to be too big a job for one man.

THREE BAD WINE REVIEWS

-Smoky, with a hint of horse fart.

-Made me wistful for the week I had malaria.

-HULK SMASH!!!