All The Old Unfamiliar Places

New joke blog coming soon.  I said soon.  Hey, you want them more often?  Then hire me or get off my back!  Besides, I'm currently wearing my CSI hat, attempting to figure out how I received 27 - yes TWENTY SEVEN - viewers this week referred by the Montel Williams Wikipedia site.  I wish I was making this up.  Perhaps it's due to our names being spelled alike and that we look so similar, I don't know.  Let me know if you have any ideas how this happened or would like to hire me as a staff writer hinthinthinthinthint.


Anyone have William Petersen's number?


EDIT: It could possibly be because you can rearrange the letters in "Montel Williams Stephen Thomas" to say "A Telepathises Hmm Mill Snot Own." (Props to Dave Barry)

Genco Olive Oil Co.

The NFL lockout is better than the Government debt stalemate.  Whiners though they are, at least the NFL is trying to decide how to divvy up and spend money that they will - at some point - actually do something to earn.

Off of my soapbox now.  Well, it’s not really a soapbox.  It’s more of a fresh produce crate, something that might have “Genco Olive Oil Co.” printed on the side.  Speaking of Genco Olive Oil Co, am I alone in thinking that every government around the world resembles that fabled company more and more?  Furthermore, does it seem to anyone else like Fredo and Fredo’s heretofore unknown illegitimate offspring are being put in charge?  I’m musing here, folks.  Musing and humming.  I like to hum when I muse, humming seems to have excellent musing viscosity.  So does ear hair fiddling, but I’m wandering off point.  My point is, it may be time to send the worldwide collection of Fredos on a fishing trip in Nevada.  Or we could simply ignore them, because A) The various Genco formulations throughout history have always done these type of things, B) People in power will continue to do these types of things for all eternity, it’s simply a fact of human nature, and C) Most of us are ready for some football.  Although I must admit, as long as the lockout extends, the Cleveland Browns are tied for first place; so I’m torn on when I want it to end.  Let’s settle this ... where’s Luka?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... this is my brother, joke Hagan ...

Attorneys for Casey Anthony released a statement saying she will appeal her convictions on four charges of lying to detectives.  Psst .... Casey! ... Quit while you’re ahead!  

American Airlines is giving away a free seven night trip to Columbia.  As a special treat, the winner will be able to upgrade to First Class by swallowing twelve “special balloons.”

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are splitting after seven years of marriage.  In gin-soaked hopes of catching J-Lo’s eye next, B-List actors and fat guys in middle management will begin doing situps tonight.  You know, because they’re only a couple hundred situps away from landing J-Lo.

A man has built his own million dollar Bugatti supercar, using his own hands, alone in his house.  Now that he has it, he won’t have to use his own hands, alone in his house, for anything else.  If you get my drift.

Some are claiming that an error in North Dakota’s founding document means that technically, it is not a state.  In a similar story, some are claiming that a series of errors over the past 103 years means that the Chicago Cubs are not really a professional baseball franchise.

A new study says that being the top ranking, alpha male baboon is a high stress job.  Possibly, but they also seem to get the loudest screeching baboon chicks with the giant red butts.  So, you know, everything evens out.

Scientists scouring the mountains of Borneo spotted a Rainbow Toad for the first time since 1924.  It turns out the toad was in Vegas all this time, running hot at the blackjack table.  No biggee.

Five women on the North Korean Womens World Cup team have failed a steroid test.  The five averaged 6’7” and 350 pounds, and shaved twice a day. The largest of the women, named Chuck, had a life sized tattoo of Barry Bonds’ head on her back.

FOUR BAD MUSEUM EXHIBITS

Rashes Through Time

Stuff From The Gutter

Slightly Burned Things

Intolerably Hot Rooms

Tiger Woods, Taco Bell, And Ted Knight

Dedicated, devoted, and rabid imaginary fans of mine often ask “Steve, what’s your version of The American Dream?  Is it wealth, or happiness?”  Invariably, I tell them “Yes.”  Currently my version of The American Dream is to live in a gated golf country club community, where there are multiple golf courses specifically to challenge my game, and the gate is up specifically to keep out people like me.  Yes, I want to live somewhere that people like me aren’t allowed.  I want to be the lowest-class member of a high-class establishment, and routinely embarrass myself at community functions, with wacky hijinks gone awry.  Or asunder.  Either way, I just know it won’t involve pants.  That’s my dream.  (Well, that’s the part I can tell you with my wife listening in, anyway) To that end, I’ve decided to take a page out of the playbook of the US Government: I’m offering a $100,000 cash reward to the first person who gives me $5,000,000.  Think it over America, this Bushwood offer won’t last long.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... one, two, three o’clock, four o’clock joke ...

South Sudan officially broke away from Sudan and became the world's newest nation early Saturday.  Hours later, President Obama issued a statement welcoming the new country to the brotherhood of nations, and asking if we could borrow some cash.

BP says it wants future claims against oil spills to be limited with a cap on dollar amounts.  In a similar story, Tiger Woods says he wants future infidelity claims to be limited to only being hit in the face with Nerf bats.

The June jobs report has been called “dismal,” “grim,” and “flat.”  Sounds exactly like my junior prom date.

The European strand of E Coli has been confirmed as the cause of death in an Arizona case.  Man, we are outsourcing EVERYTHING.

In southern Israel, archaeologists are piecing together the history of a people remembered chiefly as the bad guys of the Hebrew Bible.  As it turns out, the bad guys were left alone at home a lot as children, and all of their killing and pillaging was simply a cry for attention.

A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila, and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”

NASA is deciding between two potential places to send the Mars Rover on its next mission.  The first spot is near a large mountain potentially hiding an ice field on the Red Planet.  The second, surprising spot is in the bushes outside Jennifer Anistons’ bedroom.

An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.

A TSA agent has been caught stealing over $50,000 worth of electronics from passengers.  Man, who could have seen that coming? Oh that’s right, everybody.

Women across the country are joining “Naked Yoga” classes, saying that it stretches and makes healthy both your body and your self-esteem.  Men across the country are also joining Naked Yoga classes, because ... well, because they’re filled with naked women.  Naked women stretching and bending and stretching and bending.  Duh.

Former president Bill Clinton came to Washington DC to give a speech on how to spur job growth.  Actually, he came to DC because there’s a Cheerleading Convention in town, but quickly whipped up the job growth speech when he saw everyone looking at him.

Hoffa, Huffing, And Hefers

I picked up over 6,600 frequent flyer miles this week.  Sadly, they’re in the Delta Sky Pesos program, so I still need 45,000,000,000 more to get a free one way flight.  Maybe I can apply for a federal miles grant?  Maybe I can fly back home via Saturn and pick those miles up for an extra $100?  Maybe there’s an open staff writing position at a late night talk show or sitcom that’s perfect for me and I’m willing to bribe someone to get?  Hello?  Don’t underestimate the level of bribe I’m talking about here...

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Jokes are currently in the upright and locked position ...

Tiger Woods plans to skip The British Open, saying that his leg needs more time to heal, and that he thinks “British chicks aren’t all that hot.”

Lula Cora Hood, who disappeared in 1970, has been found alive and living in Florida after forty one years.  This, coupled with the death of Osama Bin Laden, means that Jimmy Hoffa will soon be crowned world Hide-And-Seek Champion.

An investigation has discovered the award-winning gains by Atlanta students were based on widespread cheating by 178 named teachers and principals.  The eighty-two who confessed have already been offered positions as Congressional Lobbyists.

A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.

A murder mystery dating back to 1879 has been finally resolved after a skull unearthed in BBC legend David Attenborough's garden was formally recognized as that of a woman murdered by her maid 132 years ago.  Since he was the reporter who first broke the story back then, Larry King was permitted to announce todays’ news on BBC airwaves.

According to sources, Brett Favre may be considering another comeback.  Favre is apparently exploring his options by contacting front offices of Super Bowl contending teams, and texting pictures of his man-junk to female sports reporters everywhere.

CNN has cancelled Eliot Spitzer’s evening show.  The announcement drew surprise from around the news community, with many asking “When did Eliot Spitzer get a show on CNN?”

People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.

The California Legislature passed a bill requiring public schools to teach “Gay History” in the classroom.  I have no problem with this, but isn’t that why we already have TCM’s “Month of Musicals” series?

A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.

The fossil of a car sized mega-wombat has been unearthed in northern Australia.  Scientists have already named the fossil “Kirstie.”

THREE BAD HOLIDAY TRADITIONS

-Naked Sleigh Ride.

-Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.

-Kitties hung by the chimney with care.

Scorpions, Sheen And 70's Shows

Sometimes I sprinkle things into the blog that I’ve already said.  For you, finding them is kind of like an Easter Egg Hunt, except without eggs and there are no prizes or creepy six foot tall multi-colored rabbits making kids scream and cry.  On a completely related note, did you know I’m on LinkedIn? Yeah, if you click HERE you’ll see I’m not lying (and you can send me a LinkedIn network request).  Why would I lie about this?  What kind of sicko would lie about something like this?  Who do you normally hang around?  You’re freaks.  Sick, twisted freaks.  Which explains a lot, actually.  Now go find those eggs before they go bad and I’m forced to hard boil them and donate them to the local pantry.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke...

A man passed through TSA security and took a flight from New York to Los Angeles yesterday with an expired boarding pass that wasn’t even in his name.  A TSA spokesman said that despite the massive security breach there was never any real danger to the plane though, as they did manage to take away his nosehair tweezers and a four ounce tube of toothpaste.

US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.

Supporters of Texas Governor Rick Perry say they want some space at the upcoming Iowa straw poll.  They also say for their straws, they want some of those awesome curly Mickey Mouse ones that go around your hat.

A man from Nantucket was freed recently on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.

A passenger was stung by a scorpion on a recent Alaska Airlines flight.  The man said it was actually not as painful as the TSA search at check-in security.  OR Airline representatives apologized, but said it wouldn’t have happened if he’d just paid the $25 “No Scorpions” fee.

China opened the worlds longest overwater bridge. Something something something ... it’s Chinese so they’ll want to cross it again in an hour ... something something something Charlie Sheen. (Note to self: finish joke before adding to blog)

Former “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt made her New York stage debut this week.  Critics have been giving solid reviews to the show, “Don’t Let Mr Furley See This Kitten.”

An American scuba diver was left behind on The Great Barrier Reef by an Australian tour company.  A tour spokesman said that apparently the boat captain had had just about enough of the divers’ stupid “Bloomin’ Onion” comments.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is considering stepping down later this year.  Between the sputtering economy and that damn Turbo Tax, it’s getting to be too big a job for one man.

THREE BAD WINE REVIEWS

-Smoky, with a hint of horse fart.

-Made me wistful for the week I had malaria.

-HULK SMASH!!!

A Collection Better Than Stamps But Not As Good As Locks Of Hair

Not a new blog, just a collection of a few of my recent favorites from the TV Clean category.  Hey, if you want a new blog every day, pay me.  No really, hire me on staff and pay me.  $2,000,000 per year and I'll do the daily giggle thing in your living room if you want.  If you ask politely and in proper English, I may even wear pants.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...and now, The Far Side Calendar 1987 (Name Copyright Pending)...

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  So mothers, if you see your son wearing Capri pants, cut back on the canned soup.  OR Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

The Massachusetts Department of Education found large amounts of food more than six months past its expiration date in public school cafeterias.  The main problem appears to be that  the lunchrooms are run by public school graduates, who simply couldn’t read the dates.

The FBI announced recently that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Immediately afterwards, bank tellers everywhere programmed their smartphones with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that apparently, a lot of  scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Drink Up Chuck And Di ... And Mel

Sheen’s kids are getting $55,000 a month in child support.  Man, I sure wish MY Dad had been a batshit crazy coke fiend.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...jokes from the really big shoe....

At the "Egalia" preschool, staff avoid using gender-specific words like "him" or "her" and address the thirty-three kids as "friends" rather than girls and boys.  MGM Resorts in Las Vegas has installed these kids as the early favorites for “Serial Killers Of The Year” in 2029.  OR Ladies and gentlemen, your next cast of “Hair!”

Scientists this week discovered a species of “inflatable” shark near the ocean floor.  Amazingly, there are already fifteen adult websites using this as a sexual fetish.

Attorneys say that Mel Gibsons divorce is nearly complete.  Just a few more t’s to cross and eyes to punch.

A Senate panel voted to OK continued US military operations in Libya today.  Asking for anonymity, one Senator said “Hey, anything to distract people from finding all of our tweeted penis pictures.”

A tax standoff in Congress has blocked any progress towards resolving the US debt crisis.  Apparently, Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on whether or not to allow the middle class to lube up first.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.  Hey, perhaps “too much BPA” explains all of those men in Capri pants?

Newsweek has published a computer generated image of what they believe Princess Di would have been like today at age fifty.  The verdict: Still out of Chuck’s league, and wondering why he married a trotter after her death.

Paul Revere And The World's Most Famous Rack

Seriously Hollywood, that’s the best crap you can put on TV?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joke me to the moon...

Hundreds of marchers rallied in Chicago and Los Angeles on Saturday for the "SlutWalk" movement aimed at dispelling the notion that a sexual assault victim's provocative dress could be responsible for an attack.  Ironically, most of the protesters hooked up that night, and could be seen doing the strikingly similar “Walk Of Shame” Sunday morning.

Protesters in Yemen danced, sang and slaughtered cows in a central square celebration this week.  Next week, fans in either Dallas or Miami will upstage them by overturning cars and looting electronics to celebrate their team winning the NBA title.  Yemeni’s are amateurs.

Seismologists in Italy are currently on trial for manslaughter, from not predicting an earthquake in 2009.  Hollywood is watching this trial closely, as it could set a precedent for suing the people who booked Kirstie Alley on Dancing With The Stars.

A new study shows that the bank who historically do the most Congressional lobbying received the biggest bailouts during the financial crisis.  In other shocking news that no one could possibly have anticipated, a professional athlete was arrested for something stupid, and the sun rose in the east.

Sarah Palin insists she “didn’t mess up” the story of Paul Revere recently.  She went on to say that his famous ride happened “Right after he drafted The Star Spangled Banner.”  OR Hearing this, Oliver Stone said “Yeah, and  ‘JFK‘ was historically accurate, too.”  OR  In a related story,  LeBron James insists that there was no premature celebration in Game 2, and that’s he not a selfish, spoiled bitch.

Dolly Parton has opened a dinner theater show called “Pirates Voyage” in South Carolina.  This will be the first time audience members at a Dolly Parton show will be concentrating on the Booty.

Officials in Germany say that beansprouts are likely the cause of the recent E-Coli outbreak.  Reason #2,000,006 why sprouts and health food suck.

The Return From A Long, Cold Winter. Or A Week In Alaska.

I’ve been busy lately.  Maybe if you people would start paying me to write this thing I’d be more attentive.  Nothing smaller than a $50, please.  What? The economy is down, I have to make bigger sales.  Buncha jerks.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joking, on a jet plane....

DNA tests have linked Southern Leprosy cases to the Armadillo. Man, those people will have sex with ANYTHING.

Anrold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after twenty-five years of marriage. Shriver says that since we’re now past the date when SkyNet was supposed to become self-aware, there’s no reason to hold onto her own personal Terminator as a safety net anymore.

A hospital in southwestern China reports that two conjoined twin girls were born in a single body, but with two heads.  Perverts who are into both Asian chicks and threesomes have already marked the twins’ 18th birthday in May 2029 in their calendar as a “Great Date In History.”

A new study says that most teens don’t know about the dangers of tanning beds. Apparently a majority of teens who were warned of the risks said “What do you know, old man? You don’t know what it’s like to be young and cool!”

A shortage of a drug for ADHD is said to have parents and patients scrambling.  Well, the patients are more likely scrambling due to the ADHD.  Scrambling, and scampering, and jitterbugging, and annoying everyone around them at the mall.

Scientists have discovered a stem cell that can reproduce different types of lung cells.  In a related story, Marlboro has cut their Ultra-Light brand, since it’s “no longer needed.”

Tiger Woods pulled out after nine holes this week, limping off the course.  To be fair, Tiger is in his mid-thirties now, and after nine you’d be limp...ing, too.

Ashton Kutcher will replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men.  Congratulations CBS, you found the one guy who can act even less than Charlie Sheen.

Jerusalem Ties

Today we’re featuring jokes. With a side of snark.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...What would we joke, baby, without us?

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A new study says young children may make parents less physically fit. On the other hand, they tremendously increase their parents knowledge of Disney song lyrics.

A Philadelphia weight-loss doctor is facing indecent assault charges after he told a female patient that having sex with him would help her lose unwanted pounds.  What a stupid doctor; had he done it in a bar it would have been totally legal and probably would have worked. Location, location, location.

A Milwaukee couple discovered explosives in the wall of their home during a do-it-yourself repair project. Could have been worse, they could have discovered more photos of Brett Favre’s penis.

A Community College construction chief received a salary of $211,000 plus benefits. Students are outraged, with one saying “Do you know how many smoking lounge ashtrays we could have bought with that?”

Investigators are exploring the collision between an Air France jet and a smaller plane on JFK’s runway. It’s the first time anyone can remember a French jet not surrendering its territory.

A man in Jerusalem claims to have found two of the nails used to crucify Jesus Christ. Critics say it would be more believable if it was on an episode of “Hoarders.”

An Applebees restaurant accidentally served alcohol to a toddler. No one knew until later that night, when the parents found the child in his room listening to George Thorogood at full volume and giving the “devil horns” fingers.

The only penis museum in the world is located in Iceland. Iceland was chosen because its frigid temperatures helped the museum save over half of its original proposed space.

Crack, Cuervo & The Cavs

A random observation to open today’s blog: 

When someone tells me they hid something in plain sight, I just assume the person they’re hiding it from is an unobservant idiot.  Also probably easy to beat at Hide-N-Seek.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Monday, Tuesday, jokey-days...

Ke$ha says she wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears. At least now we know where that black cobra was trying to go.

A Chilean man has eighty-two tattoos of Julia Roberts on his body.  He previously had ninety-six, but after seeing “Eat Love Pray” he said “I had to do SOMETHING.”

A man convicted of murdering a motivational speaker was sentenced to prison yesterday in NYC.  In his defense, he was only taking the speaker’s words “Plan It And DO It!” and putting them into action.

Southwest Airlines found crack in five of their older planes and grounded them. Mercedes Benz announced a safety recall on over 130,000 of their M-Class vehicles. The overlap between the two safety issues is expected to be nearly zero.

A United Airlines pilot pleaded not guilty to flying drunk in federal court this week.  He went on to say that maybe if his bosses didn’t bitch at him all the time he wouldn’t HAVE to drink so much.

Despite a blowout that sank one of its rigs and caused a huge oil spill, Transocean Ltd described 2010 as its "best year in safety."  In a similar story, the Cleveland Cavaliers have described 2011 as their “best year in the NBA.” OR In a similar story, Lindsay Lohan described 2011 as her “best year in rehab.”  

Researchers announced that seeing a milkshake can activate the same areas of the brain that light up when an addict sees cocaine.  Consequently, the FBI slapped Kelis with millions of federal drug indictments for bringing boys to the yard.

NATO officials say that the recent strikes have destroyed 30% of Libya’s military power. So by power of deduction they have seven groups of teenage boys in the street throwing rocks remaining.

The list of the Top 10 albums & singles on iTunes makes me both question the existence of both a loving God, yet thank him for the existence of Cuervo.

An Arizona Judge has delayed the scheduled execution of an inmate. Reportedly the judge asked “Dude you want to kill is white; are we allowed do that here?”

The FBI announced that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Bank teller smartphones everywhere were then programmed with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.